4 Hilarious Leaked Emails Corporations Don't Want You to See

#2. The CIA Hates Its Cafeteria

Life at the CIA is impossible to imagine -- we picture either a highly functional, well-oiled machine orchestrating the American equivalent of an army of 007s or dingy offices with doughnut-eating government officials alt-tabbing between Facebook and weird porn confiscated by the NSA.

Sure enough, when a CIA-related Freedom of Information Act request was filled last July, it wasn't top secret information that was revealed or the blueprints to a hidden base on the moon; instead, we found out about messages sent by CIA officials to the CIA cafeteria's managers. And these include everything you can expect from disgruntled government employees complaining at the canteen.

Their complaints include the lack of a dollar menu and "attitude every day" by the employees ...


... the lack of the right kind of grapes ...

No, we don't know what turns a regular salad into a "jazz" salad.

... the "large pump boxes" of ketchup that are "causing frustration" among the CIA's best ...


... and a complaint over that one tacky bastard who thought he'd try to be cute. This is the CIA, damn it, not your 5-year-old's birthday party.

"Whatever. This isn't named the Culinary Intelligence Agency."

#1. The Buffalo Bills Are Very Concerned About Vaginal Hygiene

The last year has been hell for the NFL when it comes to cheerleaders, because apparently the league's just now realizing that even women dancing around in skimpy outfits need to be treated like real people. It all started back in January, with a cheerleader from the Oakland Raiders suing the team for paying less than minimum wage. Since then, at least half a dozen cheerleader squads have filed lawsuits against their respective NFL teams, mostly for minimum wage issues, but also for your average everyday NFL douchebaggery. For example, a Buffalo Bills handbook tries to teach cheerleaders how to clean themselves.

The handbook is given out to all Buffalo Bills cheerleaders, also known as the Jills. In the section "General hygiene & lady body maintenance," there are tips such as "Wash hands often to prevent spread of viruses," "A tampon too big can irritate and develop fungus," and "Wash your feet daily!" Apparently the person who wrote these guidelines thought they were speaking to aliens wearing grown women husks who need instructions on how to be humans.

Don Juan Moore/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

In a section regarding how to behave during a conversation, tips include: "Do not be overly opinionated about anything," "Always avoid: politics, religion [...] saying 'I' or 'me' too often," and "Use 'Oh my goodness' rather than 'Oh my GOD.'" The guidebook goes so far as to teach them how to eat: "Bread should be torn to eat, not cut with a knife." As for eating soup? "Dip the spoon into the soup, moving it away from the body, until it is about two-thirds full, then sip the liquid, without slurping, from the side of the spoon without inserting the whole spoon into the mouth. This prevents soup from being spilled onto your clothes." You'd sue too if a fellow co-worker gave you instructions on how to get soup to your goddamn mouth.

The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.

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