Most of us have been online long enough to understand that emails are forever, which is why every work message requires sobriety and a triple check that you didn't accidentally type "F.U. HR" while requesting time off. So if you ever happen to send out an internal memo that is completely insane, know that it will inevitably be leaked to the public, who will laugh at your batshit missive until the sun burns out.
#4. Nike Dictates Random Child's Wardrobe
Last November, Florida State destroyed Miami with a 41-14 victory, proving once again that one part of Florida is better than another part of Florida. After the game, Florida State's coach, hilariously named Jimbo Fisher, greeted his 9-year-old son as the child ran onto the field and jumped into his arms, partly because they were happy, and partly because no one told Fisher and Fisher Jr. that they weren't living in a '90s sports movie.
"We saved the rec center/fixed the town's racial issues/learned to be a family again!"
To everyone present, this was a scene of joy, with a son and dad embracing one another after all the tough work and long nights, making the father-son neglect worth it. But to Nike, this was an event to be scrutinized. Why? Because of what the kid was wearing. Hours after the win, a Nike marketing executive fired off a message to Florida State pointing out that the kid was wearing an FSU shirt ... from Under Armour. Dun dun DUNNNN. He then had the balls to ask "Jimbo to eliminate that from the son's wardrobe in the future!"
Barry Brecheisen/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Eh, it's a better deal than most kids get from us."
Never mind that there is such a thing as eagle-eyed label hunters scouring game crowds for the wrong labels, or that a Nike representative felt justified in requesting alterations to a 9-year-old kid's wardrobe, or that there was an exclamation mark at the end of his request. The really hilarious part of the memo is that it took a Freedom of Information Act request from the Wall Street Journal to discover the email in the first place.
#3. The EPA Wants Someone to Stop Pooping in the Hallways
The Environmental Protection Agency isn't the first government office you'd associate with having some weird stuff going on behind closed doors. At most, you'd imagine that the EPA's biggest problems would revolve around their equivalent of Dwight Schrute giving everyone a hard time over the upcoming tie-yourself-to-the-trees event. But last June, Denver employees at the EPA were sent a disturbing email. The contents of the email? A plea to stop shitting in the hallways.
"Seriously, we had to make signs. What the hell?"
Apparently, Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor specified in the internal email that there had been several inappropriate bathroom "incidents" in the EPA's building: toilets stuffed with paper towels and "an individual placing feces in the hallway" outside the bathroom. The EPA also consulted a national expert in workplace violence for an opinion on the matter; he confirmed their suspicions that hallway shit is a health and safety issue, because that was something the EPA wasn't 100 percent sure of in the first place. Good news, everybody! The guys in charge of handling the nation's hazardous wastes know what they're talking about because they walk in poop halls.