In general, if you're able to utterly destroy an animal with a half-hearted kick or a lazy uppercut, it probably doesn't pose much of a threat. However, these four seemingly harmless creatures have recently begun waging psychological warfare on humanity, and we have no idea why.
#4. A Goat Has Been Terrorizing a Small Town
Anyone who's been to a petting zoo knows exactly why goats are associated with the devil. A simple bag of oats is enough to make them bulldoze a 3-year-old in less than a second like a coked-out tidal wave.
But in the streets of Londrina, Brazil, one goat has decided to forgo the oats and move straight to indiscriminate pulverization.
negociosdaterra via YouTube
Nothing stings quite like a goat to the uterus.
This ornery vessel of burning goat rage suddenly decided to start clobbering people for no apparent reason. Thanks to the immortal lord of irony, the goat had a bell tied around its neck to warn people of their impending ass beating. The only way to defeat him seemed to be to match his fury.
negociosdaterra via YouTube
Via roundhouse kicks.
The goat was finally subdued and tied to a tree, where it was later carried off by two men, presumably to be executed somewhere in a shantytown, not unlike Denzel Washington in Man on Fire.
#3. Ants Have Started Attacking Our Electronics
"Crazy ants" are so named for their odd behavior, preferring to scramble around insanely in mass disorder and hiding in any opening they find as opposed to operating as a unit and living in a single easily stompable mound in your backyard.
They also have a predilection for destroying our electronics for reasons that cannot be explained.
Maybe they just really hate Modern Family.
See, when crazy ants choose their random hideouts, they're mysteriously drawn to anything with wires. They'll pile inside a wall socket or computer tower, die, and emit a chemical that attracts more crazy ants until the gadget eventually collapses under the weight of insect corpses and shorts out. It's become such a problem in certain areas that airports have begun taking measures against it.
And meanwhile in Germany, a woman called the cops after a mysterious harasser refused to quit ringing her doorbell in the middle of the night, gripping her with mortal terror. The culprit, it turns out, was a bunch of ants piled up behind the electric button. That's right -- the ants are playing head games. (We'd make a joke about Phase IV here, but only 15 of you would get it.)
"This is our world, you inside-skeleton-having freaks."
#2. A Groundhog Attacks a Little League Team
A groundhog recently attacked a little league football team in Bridgeton, New Jersey, for having the audacity to make eye contact with it from across the street, resulting in a bizarre rodent-centered re-enactment of First Blood.
"Rambo's a pussy. I don't need a damn knife."
The groundhog was chasing the kids when an umpire dove in the way to attract its murderous attention. The beast happily diverted its rampage and began pursuing the umpire, who soon had to be rescued by yet another grown man, who led the groundhog on a chase into the parking lot. The man dove inside his car and sat trembling with fear as the groundhog viciously clawed at the vehicle's undercarriage. Finally remembering that he was an adult human behind the wheel of a steel chariot, the man started his car, and the sound of the engine sent the groundhog retreating into a nearby building, where it was cornered by police.
After chewing through one capture loop, the groundhog was finally detained and placed in a cage at a local animal hospital. However, by the next morning, the groundhog had completely vanished, leaving no sign of escape. Presumably it had phased through the wall like Shadowcat and scurried off to look up little league umpire addresses in the phone book.
If he sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of kicking your ass.
#1. Beavers Are Trying to Take Over a Country
Thanks to hunting restrictions in the Eastern European country of Belarus, beaver populations there have tripled, rising to 80,000 in the last decade. The beavers are using their now-inflated numbers for the most logical pursuit possible -- revenge.
"You bastards stuffed my grandfather."
They've become increasingly aggressive, waddling into shopping districts, schools, and residential areas and viciously attacking anyone who crosses their path. Authorities have responded by blasting the creatures with fire hoses in an attempt to ward them off, but the beavers responded in kind. A foolish old fisherman, blind to the danger around him, stopped his car to try to take a picture with a beaver he spotted on the side of the road, and the beaver fucking killed him.
That isn't a joke, it's not hyperbole, and we aren't forcing a connection between the beaver attack and some weird pre-existing condition the man was wrestling with -- the beaver tore his leg open, severed an artery, and bled him to death. A beaver killed a man. We cannot stress this enough. That, coupled with the fact that beavers can weigh as much as 65 pounds, should be enough for Belarus to lift that hunting ban and have Ted Nugent flown in immediately.
If we're lucky, they'll take each other out.