One of the downsides of celebrity is that the more famous you are, the more people on the Internet will try to explain in the starkest terms that you and everything you represent fucking suck.
Most famous people are able to cope with this sad fact by remembering the millions of dollars they're making and you're not, while others prefer to take the "YEAH WELL YOU SUCK TOO" approach. Surprisingly, this doesn't always work out so well for them.
#4. Star Trek Into Darkness Writer Freaks Out at Fans
So, Star Trek fans can sometimes get upset about Star Trek movies, apparently. This was news to Star Trek Into Darkness screenwriter Roberto Orci, who stumbled across a fan article about how the franchise is "broken" and introduced himself in the most passive-aggressive way possible.
Dropping a little snark isn't exactly classy, but it's understandable -- as long as you don't keep going, which Orci did:
"If you didn't understand the movie I wrote, that means I win the argument."
But Orci can only ramble about how successful he is and how these criticisms totally don't bother him for so long. He eventually goes into full-on flame war mode when one of the commenters compares Into Darkness unfavorably to Raiders of the Lost Ark, one of the greatest adventure movies of all time, bar none:
"Also, this movie has way more spaceships than The Godfather, and I once peed next to Pacino. Case closed."
It's probably a little much to expect maturity from the guy who wrote "INT: SPACE SHIP. CAROL MARCUS is totally IN HER UNDERWEAR and we can SEE HER TITTIES." The comment section's at the bottom of the page, Bob!
#3. TV Host Kills Elephant, Calls Critics Hitler
Say you're getting some criticism because of that one time you shot an elephant in the face, which apparently you didn't see coming. What do you do? If you answered "call everyone Hitler," then you're either Under Wild Skies host Tony Makris or anyone under 16 who's allowed to use the Internet.
He shot 15 elephants before he got the Groucho joke right.
While discussing how people felt upset about how casually he murdered and defiled a creature that's already under constant threat from poachers, Makris said, "So I can shoot [deer], but not an elephant? Do you realize that if you subscribe to that philosophy you are committing a very unique form of animal racism?" Makris then helpfully clarified what he meant by that, adding, "Hitler would have said the same thing."
Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Actually, Hitler loved elephants. Here he is pretending to be one.
Somehow, Makris' intentionally obtuse argument failed to end all animal activism ever, and his show was cancelled by NBC. Hitler said in a statement, "Leave me out of this, dude."
#2. McDonald's Clarifies That "Lizard Tail" Is Actually "Chicken Blood Vein"
If you saw someone on Facebook post a gross photo of what they claim is a lizard tail in their sausage McMuffin, you'd probably think "ewww" and then forget about it two seconds later as you scroll down and become distracted by someone's even grosser baby.
Paying attention to what you're eating at McDonald's is asking for trouble anyway.
McDonald's, however, just couldn't leave it alone: After an investigation, they confirmed that their sausage was 100 percent chicken (huh?) and that the tail was actually a "chicken blood vein," which "is commonly found in chicken meat products and is safe to consume." Yep, they pretty much just confirmed that the next time you bite a McMuffin, you might get a little vein stuck between your teeth.
Honestly, we liked it better when it was a lizard -- at least that was a one-off.
#1. Kenneth Cole Is a Shitty Person and Doesn't Care
After sparking controversy for blatantly exploiting the riots in Egypt and, later, the conflict in Syria in order to promote his products, fashion designer Kenneth Cole offered the following defense: "Uh ... yup?"
"Human rights violations? More like human rights viola-SHOES! Yeah, I don't care."
He later apologized, but we're starting to suspect that maybe he didn't mean it, considering that a) he kept doing the same goddamn thing ...
"Wow! A famous person said a thing!" -562 people
... and b) he literally said "I wasn't sorry" and admitted it was all a grab for attention: "If you look at the lists of the biggest Twitter gaffes ever, we're always one through five. But our stock went up that day ... so on what criteria is this a gaffe?"
Sure, the guy offended millions and made light of a people's ongoing struggle for freedom, but money things happened, so what's the problem? Of course, he had probably planned the outrage over his outrage explanation, so forget we ever said anything.