Anyone who has gone within a 10-foot radius of a computer, a television, or another human being no doubt considers themselves "up to speed" on the situation currently exploding in Ferguson, Missouri, after police shot an unarmed black teenager named Michael Brown. And unsurprisingly, the media is so thick with bullshit that we've decided to cut it all down in one swinging arc to help you get your bearings. Here are all the latest and fakest news stories coming out of Ferguson.
#4. There Is Zero Doubt That Michael Brown Stole Cigars (Not That It Matters)
For every tragic event, there sprouts a litany of conspiracy theories by a substantial number of crazy people who were never meant to have access to the Internet. For example, people are already asserting that Michael Brown never stole those cigars to begin with -- their evidence being fuzzy security video on YouTube.
"Or lease, with option to smoke?"
Is it all some big lie by the cops? That would sure be impressive considering that Brown's friend has flat out confirmed to the FBI that they stole cigars before the incident. Meanwhile, this headline keeps making the rounds:
"Regular assassination, too."
Look -- we don't want to give the wrong impression here. Michael Brown could have burned down that store and still wouldn't deserve to be shot if he wasn't threatening the life of the cop. But as the story later clarifies, the officer (who was aware of the previous robbery) saw Brown walking with the same cigars that had been stolen and suspected that he was the shoplifter. And why is this so important? It isn't, which is why it's so important. Focusing on whether or not Michael Brown stole cigars as a big factor in the story implies that the police response was somehow way more forgivable if the kid who was shot six fucking times in the street lifted $50 in smokables. And speaking of smokables ...
#3. Brown Having Marijuana in His System Is a Non-Story
Another non-story the news has felt compelled to stress is that Michael Brown had traces of marijuana in him when he was shot, causing the extremely objective analysts on Fox News to speculate multiple times that being high might have caused him to act crazy and could even imply that PCP was involved. Other less grotesque sources like the Washington Post, Boston.com, and -- OK, only slightly less grotesque -- the New York Post have simply resigned themselves to reporting it like it's a thing that matters in the least bit.
Look forward to a special O'Reilly Factor on "jazz cigarettes."
Fun fact, everyone: Marijuana stays in your system for up to 40 days. It's information that doesn't take a hoity-toity science expert to figure out, but rather a quick -- possibly even drunken -- few minutes of research from the Huffington Post to determine, meaning that the trace of weed has as much damning power as a fart in a wind tunnel ... especially considering that if police shot everyone in America right now, the headlines would say the same thing about approximately 18.9 million other bodies.