When describing our everyday problems using similes and metaphors, most people have the decency to avoid comparing the inconvenience presented by, say, "My roommate ate the last fucking Hot Pocket" to the struggles and deeds of Gandhi or Desmond Tutu.
The following people are not most people, but their comparisons were so moronically odious that they make a strong case for revoking all of humanity's poetic license, just to make sure nothing as mind-meltingly stupid is ever uttered again.
#4. Paula Deen Compares Herself to Michael Sam
At this point, the best recipe for Paula Deen's reacceptance into the public is a liberal mix of time and shutting the fuck up. While that might have paid off, the famously racist chef recently decided to not only undercook her humble pie, but also drop trou and lay on a whipped cream steamer in the form of this headline:
"That's right. Maybe it's all of you who are ignorant."
In her own words, the celebrity chef who once waxed nostalgic about the joys of tap-dancing slaves apparently feels both "embattled" and "disgraced" by the public, the same way "that black football player who recently came out" must, because when you're insufferably trying to relate your racism to a historical cultural milestone, there's really no need to learn specifics or anything like that.
#3. A Billionaire Compares the Rich to the Jews During the Holocaust
According to rich people, rich people just can't get a break in this country. Just ask the $8 billion man Tom Perkins, a venture capitalist who recently penned a letter to the editor of the Wall Street Journal comparing the "progressive war on the American 1 percent" to fascist Nazi Germany's war on Jews. His evidence? A "rising tide of hatred" against the privileges of the super-rich that will surely be quelled by Holocaust comparisons.
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"They came for the billionaires, and I said nothing. They came for the millionaires, and ..."
When it came time for the predictable frantic backpedaling, the supreme douche-moneybag actually went ahead and doubled down on the stance, claiming that the wealthy were underappreciated by most of the country and that millionaires should get a million votes, as well as bragging that he could buy a "six-pack of Rolexes" if he wanted to. What a brave man.
#2. Justin Bieber Thinks His Arrest Is Just Like Michael Jackson's
Following his Miami Beach arrest for drunken driving, Justin Bieber decided to forgo any and all self-awareness in exchange for the following enigmatically infuriating Instagram post. It was titled "What more can they say."
About how douchey that picture is? At least a thousand words.
In case you didn't get it, neither did Justin. Biebs hilariously drew comparisons between his 20-year-old drunken-driving self and Michael Jackson ... during Jackson's molestation trial. Because apparently the former child star was never told why Jackson was on trial in the first place and it never occurred to him to Google it. All he saw was a picture of himself by a car and thought "How Michael Jacksonish of me!"
Guys, let's make a promise to never tell Bieber what Jackson was accused of. It would break his little heart.
#1. The (Other) Florida Man Who Shot an Unarmed Black Kid Compares Himself to a Rape Victim
In a tremendous brain fart for the American justice system, a man in Florida has been convicted of three charges of attempted murder while possibly beating a fourth charge of actual, successful murder. The victim was an unarmed teenager he claimed "attacked" him with loud car music, to which he retaliated with even louder music to the tune of 10 fucking gunshots -- fired even as the car sped away from what most would define as a cold-blooded rampage.
In a transcript of a conversation with his fiancee, the shooter, Michael Dunn, revealed that he felt that the entire shooting-four-unarmed-people situation was just like, and we are quoting, "the old TV shows and movies where like how the police used to think when a chick got raped going, 'Oh, it's her fault because of the way she dressed.' I'm like, 'So it's my fault because I asked them to turn their music down.'"
"And they got blood all over the bullets I had just finished polishing."
While we can't speak for everyone, we're pretty sure the thing that makes him "at fault" isn't the part where he asked the unarmed kids he shot at to turn their music down ... not that we could ever hope to reason with the growing menace of nervous suburban men with legal firearms. So remember, kids: If you ever see a middle-aged man in khaki colors on the street, just walk the other way and tell a trusted adult immediately.