4 Creepy and Baffling Implications of the X-Men Films

#2. Wolverine Is Dangerously Obsessed With Jean Grey Despite the Fact That They Never Had a Relationship

No one has been more tortured by the death of Jean Grey than Wolverine. Ever since he immediately began hitting on her the second they met in the first X-Men, Wolverine hasn't been able to get her out of his mind. Mystique briefly tries to tempt him by changing into Jean in X2, so we know his doleful devotion is obvious to everyone around him. He even dreams about Jean's lingerie-clad ghost coming to visit him in The Wolverine, only to wake up the next morning with the weepiest erection in history.

20th Century Fox
"Shit, I need more quarters to wash these sheets. Again."

The thing is, at no point in any of the movies do Wolverine and Jean Grey have a relationship. There's some tension, sure, and they kiss a few times, but she ultimately decides to stay with Cyclops. Jean and Wolverine never get together. At all. He's essentially just a dangerously obsessed guy who has spent the past several movies mourning the fact that he never got to have sex with her while she was alive.

20th Century Fox
"Alive? No ..."

The rest of the X-Men were probably wondering why Jean Grey's underwear drawer seemed so empty when they cleaned out her room, and the answer is in a shoebox underneath Wolverine's bed.

#1. Magneto Found Time to Father a Child During His Nazi-Slaying Rampage

X-Men: First Class begins with Magneto in 1944 when he's around 11 or 12 years old, imprisoned in a concentration camp and forced to watch Kevin Bacon shoot his mom to death. Then we flash forward to 1962 and see Magneto as a young man in Geneva, Switzerland, knee-deep in a murder-trail of Nazis that he's been on ever since the end of the war. It's clear from the serial-killer meticulousness of the line chart tacked to his fucking wall that he has killed dozens of former Nazi officers and agents to track down Kevin Bacon. There is no question that this has been his life's sole pursuit for the past 17 years.

20th Century Fox
"It keeps taking me more than six connections to find him."

Now, skip forward 10 years to 1973 in Days of Future Past, where we meet the plucky young Peter (Quicksilver), a silver-haired petty criminal who uses his mutant power of running really fast to break Magneto out of a prison in the Pentagon. As he is escorting Magneto out of jail, he casually says, "So you can control metal? My mom knew a guy who could do that once." And we see Magneto pause, and then give the slightest reaction of recognition. This is a nod to the comic fans in the audience, who know that Quicksilver is Magneto's son.

Now, Quicksilver is obviously in his late teens to early 20s, which would mean that he had to have been conceived sometime in the 1950s. In the comics, Magneto was briefly married to a gypsy woman, and their relationship resulted in Quicksilver. But that's clearly not the case in the movies, because when we see Quicksilver, he's living in a townhouse in New York with his mother, who seems to be American.

20th Century Fox
"Maybe if your kid had a positive male role model, he wouldn't have such shitty taste."

Which means that teenage Magneto, fresh out of the concentration camp, somehow found his way to America and knocked up some lady in New York before going all the way back to Europe and resuming his blood vengeance quest against the Nazis and Kevin Bacon. Either that or he ran into some American exchange student or a vacationing teenager and sent her back to the states with a belly full of hypersonic mutant bastard. Remember, this is right in the middle of Magneto cutting a gory path of retribution through every Nazi he can locate. There is no way that sexual encounter was anything less than dark and terrifying.

Tom's mutant power was on display when he bought the X-Men trilogy while knowing full well it contained X-Men: The Last Stand. Read his novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter and Tumblr.

More Quick Fixes:

See More

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!