Even in our highfalutin, GPS-and-Google-Maps world people still manage to ring the wrong doorbell. And sometimes -- as these recent news stories demonstrate -- a world of madness is but one ding-dong away.
#4. Couple Enjoys A Nice Dinner, Is Raided By SWAT Team
Florida! It is the Emerald City for ridiculous debasements of human judgment. And one evening -- while finishing the dishes after dinner -- 59-year-old nurse Louise Goldberry lived the Sunshine State dream firsthand when she looked up and saw a laser-sight peeking through her window.
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"As long as it's not another damn Predator, I don't give two shits."
Her response? Take swift cover in her bedroom, dig out her own .38-caliber revolver, and improvise the "screaming standoff" scene from the yet-to-be-written script for Die Hard 6: Panhandlin'!
But this wasn't a common crook facing Goldsberry. No, this was one member of a 24-plus-man SWAT team waiting outside. The SWAT officers had been because searching her apartment complex for a fugitive (who, incidentally, was absolutely nowhere in the vicinity).
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"We spent our whole GPS budget on looking more like army guys."
Yes, Goldsberry was now a person of interest, as she was interested in this strange man aiming a firearm at her head. This stalemate ended when Goldsberry and her boyfriend noticed that burglars haven't carried shields since the Middle Ages. (Oh, they were also handcuffed for a half hour, too. All's well ends well.)
#3. Confused Criminals Keep Breaking Into The Wrong Houses
Here are some case studies from the Walter Sobchak school of problem solving. First up, we have Florida man David Lord. Lord suspected that his girlfriend was fooling around on the sly, so he devised a foolproof solution to end her canoodling. He would knock on her undercover lover's door on a Sunday night, and immediately choke whoever answered, like a Publishers Clearing House commercial directed by Quentin Tarantino.
His was a subtle sort of genius.
But Lord noticed a fly in the ointment once he sprung the plan into action -- he had no idea who he was choking.
Upon realizing that he was crushing the wrong man's windpipe, Lord helpfully declared, "You are the wrong man," before absconding into the night (and into police custody).
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"He asked for a do-over, but we only allow those for loitering and vehicular homicide."
And a gang of masked, pistol-wielding bandits in Modesto, California use a similar excuse when they kicked down a woman's door in the middle of the night, only to announce, "We are in the wrong house" (and awkwardly creep out).
It's unclear why these criminals kept assuring their victims with strange declarative statements. This is home invasion, not miniature golf -- the cops won't let you call a mulligan on that shit.
"Oh, wow. Your stuff is just terrible. Why don't we forget this whole thing ever happened?"
#2. Idiot Bank Repossesses The Wrong House
When Kate Barnett arrived home from a two-week vacation, she was dismayed to find that the First National Bank in Wellston, Ohio had repossessed her home. The locks were changed, and her belongings had been either sold or destroyed. This would be a stressful situation for anybody, but Barnett's situation was extra-unique, as First National wasn't even her bank.
It's hard to imagine why not.
You see, First National had meant to send the repo man to the property across the street from Barnett's home. But upon seeing Barnett's unkempt yard, the repo team ignored their orders and divested Barnett of her earthly possessions. When confronted about this oopsy, the repo men's rebuttal amounted to "our GPS said we had the right house." (Such an excuse ignores the fact that GPS navigators sometimes tell motorists to take shortcuts across the bottom of the ocean.)
Upon presenting First National with an itemized list of $18,000 worth of household goods, the bank balked and refused to pay, citing that the lost items were not at retail value.
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"It's the best we can do until our scientists devise a way to literally shit on your credit score."
"I told him I don't keep receipts around for everything I have just in case a bank comes by and steals my stuff. And if I did, where do you think it would be? With the stuff that you threw away," said Barnett, referring to the Kafkaesque hell dimension that she now calls "her life."
#1. City Accidentally Razes Man's Entire House
When David Underwood dropped by to check on a three-bedroom house he'd inherited from his grandmother, he was surprised by how different it appeared from his memory.
The Associated Press
"...pretty sure I had windows somewhere."
That's the empty slab of foundation where the house stood not too long ago. Yes, Underwood's house had completely vanished, as if he owed David Copperfield money.
What happened? Since Underwood's last visit to his house several weeks prior, the city of Fort Worth, Texas had recently ordered the demolition of a condemned house down the street, 9708 Watercress Drive. The demolition crew then proceeded to tear down Underwood's home at 9716 Watercress. This is totally understandable, because numbers are just a superstition perpetuated by the calculator industry.
To top things off, Underwood's house wasn't in awful shape. It needed the lawn mowed, sure. But the property that was supposed to be demolished? That could've easily passed for the box art of a straight-to-DVD sequel to The Hills Have Eyes.
The Associated Press
We'd guess the number of times this thing has been used as a meth lab are in the low teens.
Moral of the story? If you don't mow your fucking grass, the entire planet will go insane.