As the children who grew up on daily doses of G.I. Joe and Ninja Turtles become the scientific leaders of today, it appears that our next batch of technological breakthroughs will fall squarely into the category of "cool things I saw a Saturday morning cartoon villain use." How else can you explain these recent events ...
#4. The Turkish PM Addressed a Crowd as a 10-Foot Hologram
Anyone who has taken a night class or seminar knows the basic "three Ps" of public speaking: preparation, practice, and project yourself as a 10-foot-tall haunted science apparition.
"Also picture your audience in their underwear that you made them soil."
Rather than simply teleconferencing in like a mortal human, Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan casually beamed right the fuck into a government party rally to address recent scandals in the country. Unfortunately, the specter of Tupac Shakur did not appear alongside him to rap with Snoop Lion. We applaud his tactics -- arguably the best way to convince your supporters that you are about to root out the "treasonous networks" and "internal dark groups" within the country is to appear to them as the evil Galactic Emperor from Star Wars.
#3. South Korea Is Building a Giant Invisible Skyscraper
A company in Seoul, South Korea, is moving forward with construction of the Tower Infinity, the first building in history capable of cloaking itself like the Predator.
"Buildings run in fear of Supreme Leader" -North Korean headline
lair office tower works its magic through a series of LED projectors and cameras all simultaneously depicting whatever view the tower is blocking, which is another way of saying it's going to look like a giant block of TV screens in the middle of the city.
Every bird in Seoul is doomed.
While the company website claims the goal is to establish the "most powerful presence through diminishing its presence," we're guessing it has less to do with preventing an eyesore and more to do with building an invisible goddamned building so nobody can see what they're doing. That must've been an interesting meeting with the civil engineering office:
CLERK: Um, I can't help but notice on your permit application that your skyscraper is going to be ... invisible?
CLERK: What on Earth for?
APPLICANT: *scoffs* Well, if we tell you, that would defeat the entire purpose of having an invisible skyscraper.
#2. Dutch Designers Made a Mobile Lab Worthy of the Galactic Empire
When Dutch aircraft designers decided they needed some kind of mobile lab setup to roll around the airbase, they recognized their chance to make Batman's Technodrome and seized it immediately:
Michiel De Cleene
It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29.
This 15-foot-tall lab is called Secret Operation 610, which makes us wonder if there are 609 equally terrifying yet somehow unfit for duty vehicles currently skulking around the Netherlands.
The two scientists who created this Doom Bot have already announced their intent to "colonize the whole airbase" with these thunderous behemoths, which is a quote we can only assume was punctuated by emphatic fist shaking and the statement "and then ... THE WORLD!"
#1. The U.S. Just Launched a Terrifying Spy Satellite into Space
While we've thus far highlighted the global effort to rain mighty metal terror down upon the lesser-minded plebeians of the world, it might be comforting for our American readers to know that the U.S. is still very much at the forefront of ominous domination (omination?). For example, take a look at this terrifying spy rocket the government launched into space last December:
For everyone who was not immediately stricken blind by cosmic horror, you are looking at the actual logo painted on the side of the Atlas V rocket, which was sent out with secret equipment for the National Reconnaissance Office, a group working in tandem with the NSA. This is another way of saying that, in the midst of an international spying scandal, the NSA slapped the fucking SPECTRE logo on a moon missile and shot it into space.
"Don't be ridiculous, our octopus looks MUCH angrier."