For centuries, science and intolerance have been natural enemies, as ideas like "everyone who isn't me is a subpar crap smear" don't really stand up to scrutiny.
But nowadays, some of the most backward-thinking people on the planet are finally embracing the wonderful world of science, only to twist it beyond recognition in order to prove their prejudice. Because no one can argue if you yell "SCIENCE!" loud enough, right?
#4. Nigerian Grad Student Proves Gay Marriage Is Wrong With Magnets
You know the whole marriage equality debate going on in several countries right now? Sorry, people. It's over. One award-winning student at the University of Lagos, Chibuihem Amalaha, single-handedly disproved gay marriage using science's most mysterious force: fucking magnets.
He still hasn't provided any evidence to support his claims of being a "total pussy magnet."
Amalaha claims that, because the poles of a magnet repel each other when matched with a duplicate, then logically, "man cannot attract another man because they are the same ... That is how I used physics to prove gay marriage wrong." But Amalaha doesn't stop there -- he says he also proved the immorality of gay marriage using chemistry, biology, and, in the unlikely case that anyone had any lingering doubts by then, mathematics. Oh, and his work is backed by the university, by the way. Then again, they live in a country where homosexual acts are punishable by up to 14 years in jail, so maybe they're just trying really, really hard to find an outlet for all those repressed feelings.
#3. U.S. Federal Judge Argues That Blacks and Hispanics Biologically Love Crime
As a member of the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals, Judge Edith Jones is an impartial dispatcher of the law committed to judging all men with fairness, regardless of who they are or where they come from ... unless they're black or Hispanic, because those guys are predisposed to committing crimes, she allegedly says. Also, their crimes are "more heinous than others," and you know death row? Mexicans actually like being there better than being jailed in their home country, in her experience.
"My gardener Carlos told me all this. With his eyes, I mean -- I don't actually speak to him."
#2. Heritage Foundation Staffer "Proves" Hispanics Are Genetically Incapable of Being Smart
Jason Richwine, up until recently a staffer for the Heritage Foundation, wrote a Ph.D. dissertation pointing out the shocking fact that immigrants from poorer countries tend to score lower on IQ tests than "U.S.-born whites." This isn't because of cultural, educational, or "this test is in a different language" reasons, Richwine concludes, but simply because Hispanics are genetically incapable of having high IQs: "No one knows whether Hispanics will ever reach IQ parity with whites, but the prediction that new Hispanic immigrants will have low-IQ children and grandchildren is difficult to argue against."
Richwine, seen here looking exactly as douchetastic as you imagined him after reading that sentence.
Richwine then uses this point to suggest that immigration should be limited to smart immigrants only, but to avoid insulting the ones who fail, the IQ tests should be renamed "skill tests." Because they're probably too dumb to know what an IQ test is, right?
#1. Saudi Cleric Claims Women Shouldn't Drive Because It Hurts Their Ovaries
For the past few weeks, Saudi Arabia has been making headlines thanks to its controversial views on women drivers, namely that they shouldn't exist. Saudi women have been actively protesting the driving ban imposed by the government, but one Saudi cleric, Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Lohaidan, Esq., has given a logical, scientific reason for the ridiculous law: driving hurts women's ovaries.
"Gotta keep those ovaries safe. They're the bouncy things on the chest, right?"
According to Lohaidan, "If a woman drives a car ... that could have negative physiological impacts as functional and physiological medical studies show that it automatically affects the ovaries and pushes the pelvis upwards." Naturally, he failed to specify exactly which medical studies he's referring to, probably because the only copies are stored deep inside his ass.
Lohaidan also adds, "That is why we find those who regularly drive have children with clinical problems of varying degrees." Oh, so that's why. Presumably the next step is banning women from sitting altogether. You know, for the children.
The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is OUT NOW and can be purchased on Amazon for a measly few bucks. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter, too.