#2. Don't Expect a Gay Bachelor, Because Pizzas Aren't Hamburgers
For over a decade, The Bachelor has reminded audiences that if you put two dozen single people in a house and make them think they have to win the one human prize, they'll all suddenly fall in love with said prize and do whatever it takes to beat everyone else -- which is going to make aliens and/or future archaeologists think we had the weirdest mating customs ever. Anyway, with the growing marriage equality movement, it's only natural that people should begin to wonder if there's ever going to be a Gay Bachelor.
The answer? Probably not. Because pizza.
How dare you speak like that in front of the slice!
You see, earlier this year, Bachelor star Juan Pablo caused a small controversy by saying there should never be a gay Bachelor because it would give a "bad example to kids" (and reality TV is known for featuring model examples of human behavior). This could be brushed off as only one person on the show being terrible, but then Bachelor host Chris Harrison was asked what he thought about the situation. Harrison answered:
"The question is: Is it a good business decision? Look, if you've been making pizzas for 12 years and you've made millions of dollars and everybody loves your pizzas and someone comes and says, 'Hey, you should make hamburgers.' Why? I have a great business model, and I don't know if hamburgers are going to sell."
Well, confusing food analogies aside, he does have a good point. If the show ever tried to do a spinoff that completely changed the format, it'd probably fail misera-
People can handle 25 penises -- 26 would send them over the edge. Except for Season 5, where there were 30 dudes.
Oh. And The Bachelorette is on its 10th season? Huh. Still, something tells us we're more likely to see Bachelor Babies, Bachelor Dogs, and Bachelor Literally Pieces of Food Fucking Each Other than we are to see a Gay Bachelor from these people anytime soon.
#1. The Next Assassin's Creed Won't Have Playable Female Characters Because It's "Too Much Work" Animating Them
This year's E3 kicked off with a pixelated blast, with major game-changing announcements for all your favorite and relevant gaming consoles, and also the [please fill in the name of the console you don't like]. A slew of new video games were revealed, along with a slew of new imaginative stories and a slew of new protagonists ... all of whom look the same.
But why is it that companies are still overwhelmingly using dudes as protagonists when roughly half of all gamers are women? Well, when a certain developer from Ubisoft was asked why the multiplayer mode in the next installment of the Assassin's Creed series didn't have female characters, he answered that they got cut because they'd be too much work -- specifically, they'd have to redo 8,000 animations to show a lady assassin sneaking around and killing people. And apparently this is a common problem in Ubisoft: Another developer was asked why the Far Cry series has never showcased any female leads, and he answered, "We just couldn't squeeze in the time." See, they totally wanted more diversity, but just couldn't do it.
But that's apparently bullshit. Naughty Dog animator Jonathan Cooper said that a female Assassin's Creed character could be easily animated in "a day or two." Yeah, well, what does that guy know about changing male characters to female? A lot, actually: He did exactly that in Mass Effect 2. Sure, OK, but what does he know about animating hooded killers specifically? A lot, too: He was the director of animation on Assassin's Creed 3. So we're gonna go ahead and guess he's not just talking out of his ass.
Ubisoft via Kotaku
Of course, AC3 is the one where this happens, so who the hell knows.
But the point is, maybe next time Ubisoft can perhaps have "playable female character" up there next to "playable male character," instead of somewhere down at the bottom of the list next to "realistic rabbit fur swaying in the wind" and "the sound of farting clouds on rainy nights." Just an idea, developers. Or, hey, you could stop with the crap excuses and just do the work! That would work, too!
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.