If you've ever been to a concert, then you're surely familiar with "that guy": You know, a dude who attempts to steal attention away from the band that thousands of people paid money to see. "That guy" is a hooligan who somehow evades security and interrupts the show by jumping onstage or throwing commemorative bobbleheads at the band. However, there are occasions when fed-up rock stars decide to handle "that guy" on their own. Kind of like when ...
#4. Keith Richards Clobbers a Guy With Guitar, Keeps on Playing
The Rolling Stones have seen their fair share of rowdy fans. (When you've been around as long as they have, you've seen your fair share of just about everything.) The band's early years were of course one long string of run-ins with crazed teens like so many boy bands after them, but the shenanigans didn't stop just because the band turned 100 years old.
The Stones were playing the Hampton Coliseum in 1981 when a fan jumped onstage and started running toward vocalist Mick Jagger.
"No one kills him but me!"
With Jagger busy using his hips to give Maroon 5 something to sing about 30 years later, Keith Richards took control of the situation by casually bashing the guy with his Telecaster, only to resume playing moments later.
He painted that sucker's eyes black. And blue. And also probably red.
Richards' beatdown is justified if you put this performance into context: It happened almost exactly a year after the fatal shooting of John Lennon by a crazed fan. And as a touching footnote, a mummified Richards later claimed to have bailed the fan out of jail after the show.
#3. Maynard James Keenan Uses Jiujitsu to Embarrass Fan
Those familiar with the band Tool know that Maynard James Keenan is the band's crazy/creepy frontman. What many are not aware of, though, is that Keenan is also a crazy/creepy expert in jiujitsu and a veteran of the U.S. Army. It's safe to assume that one unlucky fan would have wanted to know that latter tidbit before jumping onstage and interrupting the band's performance of "Pushit" (no, it's not a Salt 'N Pepa cover). Keenan quite casually shuns the fan's attempt at a hug by hip tossing the poor bastard, applying a rear-naked choke hold, then dry humping the guy, all while continuing to sing the song.
Those frightened by Keenan's actions have their worries put to rest as Keenan reassuringly pats the fan on the back after a solid minute of public dry humps.
#2. Axl Rose Swan Dives at Bootlegging Fan
Guns N' Roses singer Axl Rose is known for many things: the snakey dance, pasta-related mishaps, cornrows, a propensity for inciting riots, and his intense hatred of photography. That's why when Rose caught an unsuspecting fan snapping photos of their St. Louis concert in 1991, he swiftly interrupted their rendition of "Rocket Queen" to alert security about the cameraman. When security failed to act within the two seconds that Rose granted them, he decided to handle the situation himself:
"Close your eyes, hat! You shouldn't see this."
Rose takes flight like a giant drunken bird of prey, leaping off the stage and straight into the audience.
He proceeds to tussle with some of his adoring fans and manages to land a few sucker punches before storming off the stage and presumably setting the world record for most riots incited by a single man.
#1. Akon Teaches Rowdy Fan to Respect Foreign Cultures
Getting hit in the face with a hot dog is a special kind of humiliation. So when it happened to the already criminally inclined R&B singer or rapper or whatever Akon ...
... it should have come as no surprise that he instantly sought revenge. What should be surprising is that the dipshit who threw the food willingly took the stage to receive his punishment.
"Nothing ill can come of this."
And that punishment was swift and fantastic.
This occasion marked the first time anyone in the Cracked office ever uttered the phrase, "Man, it would've been great to be at that Akon concert."