To put it soundly: The world tends to be a bit of a fuck, and there's no better way to dwell on that than by reading up on the news. After all, no one is racing to tweet about the time a man refrains from eating another dude's face, no matter how badly that man may have wanted to.
Still, every now and then something good squeezes through -- a light at the end of the tunnel -- and we're forced to face the fact that for every missing face, there's a full stomach. Here are such good sides to otherwise shitty stories ...
#3. We're Not Losing Polar Bears; They're Just Turning Brown
Go ahead and Google Image search "polar bears global warming" and see what happens. As always, we'll wait; we're here all day.
DEA / C. Sappa
Just like this guy ...
How'd that feel? Not great? Yeah, we thought so.
Well, rest easy, hippie -- not only are there apparently more polar bears than there were 40 years ago, but it turns out that these furry thugs don't really need our help; they'll simply adapt like last time. As a recent study published in the journal PLOS Genetics discovered, when the last ice age receded and an ancient species of Alaskan polar bear found itself getting more and more stranded, it simply starting doing what it did best: banging whatever looked the most like it. Luckily that species was brown bears and not, like, horses or gorillas.
Comstock Images/Comstock/Getty Images
"Once you go brown, you only occasionally go back."
So in the next thousand years, we're looking at adaptation, not extinction. Hell, if they're lucky, maybe they'll get some cool-looking stripes or an extra arm or something. It's not much, but it's nice to know that they've rolled with the punches before. Now no one has to ever talk about global warming ever again.
#2. Girl Scouts Buy 6,000 Boxes of Cookies in Hoax Order, Then Sell Them
This might be pulling the rug out before setting it back down, but did you know that people apparently have no trouble stealing from Girl Scouts? It's happened recently ... a lot. Just this month, a dude on a skateboard snatched Girl Scout money like some kind of Foot Clan trainee, another woman used a bad check to nab $3,000 worth of cookies in Iowa, and there was even a guy who stole fucking $19,000 in delicious innocence from a cookie warehouse. It's both a testament to the awesome power of the Girl Scout cookie and a vicious reminder of the dark lengths mankind will go to to gain its sweet, sweet sustenance.
Boston Globe via Getty Images
We'd kill every person in this picture for every box of cookies in this picture.
But at least those were clearly crimes of passion. What are we to think when two troops in Oregon are hoaxed into a $24,000 order of cookies by some hilarious monster? Well, it turns out that it's partially OK to laugh, because just as quickly as they realized they were duped, these young ladies managed to push half of their supply in a single freaking day. In case you were wondering, that's roughly one week's pay for a professional meth dealer.
#1. "Hey, This Horse Meat Is Pretty Good, Actually!"
We love eating meat so much that we don't tend to care where exactly that meat is coming from ... at least until someone tells us where it's coming from. This was what happened with the big horse meat scandal this month when we learned that a whole bunch of food chains in the U.K. were sticking man's furry car into their meat. It turns out that we love horses just enough to not eat them but not enough to not ride them, putting them somewhere between cows and dogs.
We may have just given McDonald's a dangerous idea.
That said, we do have a way of spinning straw into gold -- more specifically, feeding straw to a horse, killing it, and then selling its meat to buy gold. You see, all this horse-eating talk has left more than a few people wondering just what horse actually tastes like, causing an actual demand for it. Now London pubs are having trouble keeping ol' Seabiscuit on the shelves, selling out their horse burgers in a matter of hours. With serving sizes such as "Shetland" and "Trojan," it's no wonder.
Now, we know what all of you are thinking: You're saying, "This is fucking sick, why can't America get in on this horse-eating action, too?" No worries, guys; we're getting there. The USDA is right on the cusp of approving a horse-slaughtering plant in New Mexico, so get your cowboy bibs ready.
Finally we can ride food while chasing other food.