It's easy to view the technology we use every day as some kind of benevolent presence that exists only to help us. Conspiracy theory types would likely have you believe otherwise, and if you look deep enough into the inner machinations of the things you use online, you'll be tempted to think they're right. Here are three everyday technologies with hidden secret personalities.
#3. Google Chrome Is the Snarky IT Guy
Nobody enjoys talking to the IT department, mostly because the IT department, in turn, doesn't enjoy talking to us. The only difference is that, because our computer ignorance leaves us at their mercy, they get to express their disdain for us by way of snide quips about making sure things are plugged in and such while we just sit there and take it.
Apparently, it was one of those IT jerks who designed Google Chrome.
Note those last two bullet points. At some point, while this browser was being developed in a presumably professional environment, someone decided that a sassy remark about surveillance by secret agents and people standing behind you was needed in the information about incognito browsing. If your IT guy made this joke while he was talking you through some tense computer issue, you'd probably just unplug your machine and go back to using paper. But Google Chrome thinks you need it.
They also have no qualms about booing your browsing choices and backing it up with a tween-friendly emoticon.
Even when you're accessing the task manager, which is something most people only do when things have gone horribly awry, Google's got jokes.
For the record, by "nerds" they mean "you."
#2. Twitter Is a Cult Leader
Twitter is known for its attention to brevity. But when it comes time to talk about their logo, the Twitter Bird, things get a little bit creepy.
Also, don't look the Bird in the eyes. Don't question the Bird's motives. Believe that the Bird knows what's best for you.
There are further demands for those hoping to use the power of the Bird to further their own agenda.
At deadline, we were unable to determine if they mean physical or emotional manipulation. Don't do either until we can confirm. But in all cases where it is possible, use the Twitter Bird, but please, for the love of God (the God that is the Twitter Bird), do not alter the Twitter Bird! You shall not manipulate the Twitter Bird. You love the Twitter Bird.
#1. Microsoft Windows Is a Druggie
You know how some musicians quit taking drugs and all of a sudden their music stops being enjoyable? Well, we have evidence that, at some point between Microsoft Vista and Microsoft 7, the famous operating system started getting "experimental."
For starters, in terms of quality, Windows 7 was leaps and bounds ahead of the massively disappointing Vista. And if you dig around enough, it's easy to come to the conclusion that Microsoft's turn for the better was inspired by the exact same thing that propelled the Beatles from cheesy boy band to psychedelic rock icons. That thing, of course, was LSD.
If you dive into the desktop background images that come standard with every copy of Windows 7, you'll see the psychedelic freakout above mixed in with the usual shots of rippling water and turning leaves. And it's not the only one.
Sure, some people just want a picture of a field or a neat pattern for their desktop background, but thanks to an apparent few months' worth of drug intake, someone at Microsoft has decided that people also need some tasteful shots of rabbits frolicking in the woods with a bear clearly raping some sort of puppet from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. On the bright side, the erupting volcano is only spewing rainbows.
Please keep in mind that this is a stock background image. Microsoft feels like you need to see this, man. This, too ...
Those are dinosaurs riding on insects through an ice forest, and they can be on your desktop right now if you use Windows 7 (and psychedelic drugs). And it's about damn time, we say.