With the recent unveiling of the first trailer for Star Trek into Darkness, aka Star Trek 2, aka Star Trek 12, aka Star Trek: Younger, Hornier and Alternate Reality-er, aka Star Trek Without Humpback Whales, aka Madea Goes to the Tribble Planet ...
"NEXT SUMMER, MRS. DOUBTFIRE WIGS ARE THE STARFLEET STANDARD."
... the question everybody seems to be preoccupied with is "Just who the hell is the villain supposed to be?"
"My name is Mr. Evil Future Astronaut and my superpower is outer space."
No one's exactly sure at this point. We do know that he's being played by Sherlock actor Benedict Cumberbatch, that he's a re-envisioning of an old Star Trek nemesis, that a studio press release recently referred to him as "John Harrison" (which might be a red herring), that he's burly enough to resist Spock's Vulcan nerve pinch, that he wears fancy collars that resemble those of Wrath of Khan bad guy Khan Noonien Singh and that the canonical Star Trek comic book series may (or may not) preclude him from being Gary Mitchell (below), the Starfleet officer who became an insane telekinetic god-creature in the second episode of the original 1960s TV series. It's all very complicated.
"This special effect alone took up 100 percent of this episode's budget, but William Shatner has agreed to remunerate the cast and crew using the gift of song."
In conclusion, who Cumberbatch is playing is about as clear as a reflecting pool full of fuck all. For all we know, the cheekboneriffic thespian could be one of the Tuna Salad People of Antedes III masquerading around in some sort of British man-candy meat suit.
Paul Archuleta / Getty
The resemblance, it is uncanny.
And even though they'll spend weeks arguing over who the antagonist of this two-hour action movie is, the most ride-or-die Trekkies will hate Star Trek into Darkness anyway: 50 percent will be livid that the Enterprise's hull plating is colored "gun metal gray" instead of "Dakota granite," whereas the other 50 percent will be pissed that director J.J. Abrams left out that franchise-defining scene in which Montgomery Scott silently debates banging a walleyed cat woman.
So instead of guessing the villain's true identity, we at Cracked will instead confirm his identity (using nothing but our appreciation of weird-ass Star Trek foes as primary sources). Yes, this is a disinformation campaign. Yes, you didn't read that previous sentence.
In Klingon mythology, the souls of brave warriors are sent to a Valhalla-like afterlife known as Sto-vo-kor, where the glorious dead battle unceasingly, as the Klingon race has maybe two hobbies: A) beating the hell out of each other and B) opera.
But if a Klingon dies a dishonorable death, he is condemned to Gre'thor, the Klingon equivalent of hell. There, the monster god Fek'lhr -- who resembles Sweetums from the Muppets after years of rubber cement insufflation -- tortures them for eternity. And according to Star Trek: The Next Generation, Fek'lhr's punishments mostly consist of subtle hip gyrations.
Paramount Pictures has bet $185 million in production green on Fek'lhr, so the entire Cracked staff will stop swallowing our saliva out of reverence to our new satanic extraterrestrial aerobics instructor deity.
"Spread my gospel like mouth enzymes."
Sadly, we are not treated to Harry Mudd versus the Juggernaut.
Getting your ass walloped by two humanoids with bland affect definitely qualifies as a legitimate grievance against Starfleet. Of course, this scriptwriting gambit will likely deep-six both the Star Trek and the X-Men film franchise, but can you imagine the pandemonium that will result from Cumberbatch suddenly popping adamantium claws at the climax of Into Darkness? Audiences will assume they're stroking out en masse.
"Hey, Dad, what flavor was that soda?"
"The entire universe, son. Also, paint thinner."
#1. Insane Android Abraham Lincoln
In the 1970s (non-canonical) Star Trek comic books, the Enterprise crew encountered an alien world populated by android clones of famous Earth leaders who expectedly went berserk. The reader was treated to a number of screwball scenes, such as George Washington's casual acquaintance, Android Hitler ...
"Sig heil and prosper!"
... the master of Mount Vernon sucker-punching Kirk in his handsome mouth ...
... and Kirk unhelpfully refusing to pull a John Wilkes Booth while Uhura gets clobbered by that guy on the quarter.
We're kind of surprised that last sentence wasn't in reference to some erotic fan fiction.
By the end of the issue, the Enterprise crew teleports off the Planet of the Android, which promptly explodes. Still, it's easy to imagine Honest Android Abe bobbing in the darkness of space, feverishly delivering the Gettysburg Address to dying stars.
Think about it -- Daniel Day-Lewis is getting major Oscar buzz just for portraying a mere human Abraham Lincoln. Paramount Pictures would be utter maniacs not to bring back Linclone.
You can find Cyriaque Lamar on Twitter.