If alien invasion movies have taught us anything, it's that first contact will be initiated by humanity's broadcast signals traveling through space at the speed of light until they reach some distant star. And maybe that's not so bad -- so what if some advanced species of alien is just now picking up our broadcasts of I Love Lucy? But now think of the absolute worst signal these aliens could pick up. The one thing that would convince them that we need to be exterminated.
It'd be Internet comments, right? Well, we have bad news, because it's already happening. Thanks to a new website that blasts user-submitted messages into potentially habitable zones of outer space, the first thing aliens see from us might very well be a racist meme of Patrick from SpongeBob SquarePants:
If Roots reaches them first, the aliens are gonna find this SUPER offensive.
Yes, anyone with a keyboard can sign up and send whatever they want. And while the idea has untold potential, as reflected in the site's mission statement, they seem to have forgotten what "untold potential" means in terms of the Internet.
Cocks. It means cocks.
The project's first target/victim, Gliese 526, is only 17.6 light-years from Earth, meaning that we could be hearing back from its hypothetical inhabitants sometime around 2050 in what might become the first ever interplanetary flame war.
Dear Jesus, we honestly hope not.
While the website has attracted its fair share of people interested in their cause, they have also effectively created a comment section for the planet ... with everything that entails. And don't let the word "QUEUED" above make you think that this will be any more moderated than your average YouTube page, because look at what they've already sent:
"HAI EARTHLINGS, WE DECRYPT UR LANGUAGE FROM SIGNAL, UR GAY LOL KTHXBAI"
So basically, we're all going to be killed by aliens. At best. Because that's what happens when we allow Internet trolls to represent our entire fucking planet. Even those who aren't intentionally trying to be stupid can end up spouting infuriating shit, like indecipherable emoticons ...
... poor-grammar racism ...
... and worse:
This. This is the one that gets us killed.
Then, of course, we have the terrible references to sci-fi shows that will be even more outdated by the time the signal reaches its destination.
"Sir, this planet appears to be harboring space convict Roh-Binw'llams."
This resolute hogwash might end up encapsulating the human condition to a species that has no concept of us. With no context in which to put these semi-anonymous statements, they'll be forced to take them only at face value.
"What appendage does he use to write? Wait, never mind, we see it."
Yeah, you can include images with these anonymous posts, because that's never a bad idea on the Internet. Users can also leave follow-up comments on other people's messages, with predictably terrible results.
The people behind this website are either dangerously naive or genius supervillains hell-bent on watching us become the agents of our own demise. We're guessing the latter, because they've also decided to send an animated GIF into space. This animated GIF:
"The universal 'your mom is a whore' sign! Blast 'em!"
Not a shot of the planet's rotation, or a baby panda sneezing, or at the very least some bouncing titties. No, they seriously landed on a GIF of a guy vacantly scratching his ear. Of course, in fairness, that probably is what 90 percent of the people on Earth will look like in 35 years, only in alien jail cells.