Last week, we got our first look at the upcoming Wolverine film, brilliantly titled The Wolverine by a bunch of producers who trained at the Sylvester Stallone Institute of Naming Sequels, and boy did it seem familiar. And by "familiar" we mean "exactly like Batman Begins."
It starts with ...
#10. A Scruffy Mountain-Dwelling Loner
We open on Wolverine alone in the mountains. Surly, isolated, and, most importantly, bearded.
Not unlike Batman Begins, where Bruce is slumming it up in a Bhutanese prison, also in the mountains, and equally surly and bearded.
OK, maybe not equally bearded.
#9. Each Has a Dead-Person-Sized Chip on His Shoulder
Right away we see a tattered picture of Jean Grey, who was last seen blowing up Alcatraz before getting stabbed by Muttonchops himself:
And while Batman didn't personally kill his parents, he did (in his mind) cause their deaths by getting scared and making them all leave the opera through a back alley.
Way to go, sissy.
#8. They Beat the Hell Out of Small-Time Villains
Wolverine spends his time kicking the shit out of terrified barflies who have no idea they've just picked a fight with a knife-fisted immortal. One poor bastard smashes a bottle against Logan's metal skull, which has absolutely no effect beyond doubling the frown crease in his aforementioned beard.
That beard alone could demolish a five-gallon jug.
Bruce does the same thing with his fellow prisoners, and while Batman's only superpower is that he's rich and insane, that second part comes as an equally shocking discovery to his hapless victims.
Because crazy punches land really hard.
#7. Until They Get Approached by a Mysterious Stranger ...
Logan's shenanigans are halted when a straight-talking mystery lady barges into his brawly seclusion, inexplicably aware of his true identity. Bruce's door gets kicked in by Liam Neeson, who is equally as disapproving of his idle dickitry and also impossibly aware of who he is.
Based on cheekbones alone, they're identical.
#6. ... Who Works for a Mysterious Old Asian Man ...
Both Logan and Bruce are whisked away from the monotony of indiscriminate ass-kicking and brought to the doorstep of a mystically wealthy Asian man who heads a powerful organization. This involvement is the kicking-off point of whatever tomfoolery is sure to follow.
#5. ... Who Will Somehow Cause Him to Be Attacked by Ninjas
Whatever Wolverine gets himself into with this old Asian guy, part of the equation includes some goddamned ninjas.
Logan's going to be up to his ass in black breezy fabric. This thing has betrayal written all over it, just like it did when Bruce faced off against his batch of ninjas.
We expect both groups of ninjas will be equally useless.
#4. They Get Their Asses Handed to Them at Fancy Events
The trailer seems to promise that this is exactly what Wolverine will be dealing with. To add insult to injury, he'll be in his best Johnny Cash suit when it happens.
Bruce also tasted the wrath of angry party guests, who punched the buttons off of his tuxedo and set his mansion on fire.
#3. At Some Point They Totally Save the Mysterious Guy's Life
That's right -- all of it could have been stopped if the hero had simply not been a hero for that one time when the mysterious "helper" was in danger.
While we still don't know the nature of Wolverine's rescue, it is clearly more explosionier than Batman's Hail Mary Neeson grab, so they're like the fire and ice of last-minute bad-guy-saving.
#2. All of It Will Result in a Flying Train Fight
The trailer ends with a fight on a screaming bullet train featuring Wolverine flying through the air like some kind of PCP-fueled lumberjack acrobat.
Bruce has his climactic showdown with Liam Neeson in the midst of a 200 mph elevated train derailment.
But train crash or not, one thing is absolute:
#1. There Will Be Rain-Scowling
And possible gravel-gargling.
So buckle up, everyone. We clearly have two more Wolverine movies to look forward to, and odds are only one of them will be good.
Dave tweets. He tweets about movie stuff.