If Valentine's Day Cards Told The Truth

Roses are red, violets are blue, i'm in solitary confinement, thinking of you.....

09/03/2009 11:02:14 AM

Heners

number 2 is why im never dating a divorced girl

07/29/2009 09:05:00 AM

Hawksfan71

#2 was just sad...sang. Go Sergeant! And, of course, lolz @ #5.

05/13/2009 09:52:00 AM

alachuckles

Quagmar's is the best.

05/12/2009 05:42:00 PM

loqutor

#9 "with love Sgt. Drew Peterson" Out-fucking-standing soldier! #3 is quite awesome also (even if it took me three minutes to figure out, I dumb boy, I dumb).

05/04/2009 12:55:00 AM

Fuckaccounts

clever #7 wish I'd thought of that

04/27/2009 02:02:00 AM

benjaminten10

I loved #8. It's so true.

04/25/2009 10:31:00 PM

The_Opinionator

#2 was so sad

04/19/2009 02:34:00 PM

kingcooper

#9 was awesome!

03/19/2009 04:58:00 AM

moogirl226

I like the BeeIU one and the 14th one, but I'd change it to

02/20/2009 10:34:00 PM

InsomniaticGIRL

Ya notice how there are NO valentines for women who are with their guy for his power or status? It's because to women, that's real love. (Also because status men give valentines, but get sex.)

02/20/2009 09:03:00 AM

FingerlessFrank

Yes, Lahlem, #15 used that link as raw material. It's originally from The Simpsons, anyway. What is your point?

02/16/2009 11:19:00 AM

ironflange

#7 was the best. Hands down.

02/15/2009 08:50:00 PM

Sarabird

Number #15 was taken from http://www.gigglechick.com/erin/blog/choo_choo.jpg

02/15/2009 05:28:00 PM

Lahlem

I'm not sure if it's sad or funny, but I have a friend who would find #2 appropriate. And #11 was my favorite.

02/15/2009 11:06:00 AM

greengoddess

#7 was fucking brilliant... oh, hell, they all were. I'm jealous I'd never be able to come up with things like this. I LOVE YOU CRACKED

02/15/2009 07:27:00 AM

Kinch

Took me a while for the Bee U joke.

02/15/2009 06:05:00 AM

gerardz101

i'm sarah, that card was meant for me, ME! ME!

02/14/2009 04:19:00 PM

sashadoggie

#4 deffinetly does look like the top spelling capability of an xbox user thats for sure :D. Funny stuff

02/14/2009 02:20:00 PM

Lanthros

one night, the husband woke up, went to the kitchen and made himself a coffe. the wife woke up too and went to the kitchen and asked him what is he doing. He says: "you know, today is our 20th aniversary"- "yes,so" - "20 years ago you'r father gave me to choose: to marry you or to go to jail 20 years, remember?" - :yes, and what now?" - "today i would be out"...

02/14/2009 04:24:00 AM

milestarcar1994

wow i dont think i have ever laughed harder than i did at number 13

02/13/2009 08:07:00 PM

thaballgazer

WTF #2?!

02/13/2009 06:59:00 PM

AmbroseKali

I'd buy #6.

02/13/2009 06:42:00 PM

Natnie

Haha, Oh God I loved #13! Hahahahaha, I laughed so hard. :)

02/13/2009 05:45:00 PM

Simonee

though we both liked #3 ;)

02/13/2009 02:18:00 PM

vivi

I was sent a modified #1 for valentines. And i thought it was sweet :)

02/13/2009 02:18:00 PM

vivi

#3 was the best. Maybe I just have a shallow since of humor, but I love me some "Bee inside U" jokes.

02/13/2009 09:02:00 AM

DarrenHollywood

#7 is the true winner...i can't see why it wouldn't be....oh well. i guess the jews will never win

02/13/2009 07:39:00 AM

lovedxaxdevil

Cynism is not funny...

02/13/2009 05:38:00 AM

kapsi

No. 5 was by far the best for me!

02/13/2009 04:28:00 AM

fispaul

#11 was my favourite. #2 was too sad to win. 15's classic.

02/12/2009 11:31:00 PM

jkmyoung

#2 got robbed.

02/12/2009 10:56:00 PM

Planet-man

wow number 2 is way to honest, i think if i ever got that id give her number 9

02/12/2009 10:43:00 PM

conker856

I liked #15 the best, honestly.

02/12/2009 10:25:00 PM

DarlingNikki

#15 is #2 in my book

02/12/2009 10:02:00 PM

Ice9

Haha! Number 9 is so true!

02/12/2009 10:02:00 PM

SaucyBrunette

#10 and #8 were pretty good, but I gotta admit #2 is pretty depressing for obvious reasons.

02/12/2009 09:56:00 PM

Jazzy

Number 13 made my day

02/12/2009 09:49:00 PM

Binak_Algo

Pretty sure SheaD is the reason people HATE valentine's - LOL - wow, girl/woman/tran - YOU ROCK IT! With the constant HATE on sarcasm - or realness, or just plain 'breathing'? eh? LOL - you made my day, YOU tool...

02/12/2009 08:58:00 PM

leahinjenks

#15 was so the best

02/12/2009 08:11:00 PM

Macho Maddness

#7 wins for me! The duck on the right looks like a douche

02/12/2009 07:22:00 PM

yorgiesmorgies

These were good. The last few of these cracked reader things have sucked. #11 was the best.

02/12/2009 07:00:00 PM

spiffymint

Some of these are cards I'd consider using to breakup with people. #2 Made me sad, though...

02/12/2009 06:48:00 PM

ka_la_la_lira

Number 9 is the best thing EVER!! Kudos to the artist =D

02/12/2009 06:32:00 PM

ice-grip

I like #6 the best. I spent all week resisting copying the ones in I.mockery.com then never got around to posting one so there!

02/12/2009 06:03:00 PM

echocharlie

15 and 3, all the way!

02/12/2009 05:26:00 PM

benrichardsrm

#15 all the way. valentines day is for suckers.

02/12/2009 05:13:00 PM

milky_joe

Oh my God. I've done #1. Not even as a joke.

02/12/2009 04:44:00 PM

Yarp

Sadly, 11 is very, very true.

02/12/2009 03:57:00 PM

mrpopenfresh

14, 12 and 8 are my favourites. anyway, it's my 2nd comment, and what the hell is the deal with censoring? i mean "fuck" and "shit" make 10% of Cracked articles (which is an awesome result)...on the site that thought me about the existence of words like "cockweasel"? oh, sweet irony.

02/12/2009 03:29:00 PM

MagillaPl

number 7 is my favorite.

02/12/2009 03:20:00 PM

GenericHuman

Good old Cracked stuffs. Here are more funy stuffs, videos of stupid pet tricks! http://tv1.com/playlists/118

02/12/2009 03:14:00 PM

sky_slasher

Congratulations! Those were all pretty funny.

02/12/2009 03:04:00 PM

ToastMachine

SheaD you are a tool.

02/12/2009 02:43:00 PM

miianwilson

I think that the editors put the best ones in the beginning and middle, mostly. They wouldn't put the worst at the end, even if it makes the most sense that way. The need a catcher at the beginning of the list to get people interested. At least, it seemed like that's what they did to the article I wrote. It ended up saying "again, he should have seen this coming," in the first entry. Only, like, one person noticed it. Okay, ramble's done.

02/12/2009 02:07:00 PM

Necsis

Thank you, SheaD. I'm glad you're here to be the final, authoritative word on humor. I don't know what the world would do if you weren't here, putting these internet humorists in their place. God bless you, sir.

02/12/2009 02:02:00 PM

Necsis

#3...translates to "I want to be inside you" So it does make sense. And 11 is so very true...

02/12/2009 01:49:00 PM

toastking

What is wrong with people??? #6 is not funny, its typical, shitty American internet humour. People will say its hilarious because its "sarcastic" but its not and its not funny or witty either. #3 is not funny at all and makes no sense and #2 is just sad and #1 is the most unoriginal piece of crap ever. Damn, you cracked writers can never pick a good winner.

02/12/2009 01:36:00 PM

SheaD

Happy Valentine's Day from Al Capone. http://www.amerphotorestoration.com/alcapone.html Al Capone

02/12/2009 12:53:00 PM

debi

Damn, all of these were good. #15 just takes the cake though!

02/12/2009 12:51:00 PM

civver

6 was my favorite, but 5 was to much.

02/12/2009 12:35:00 PM

DamnDirtyHippy

Some were too long like 5#,2#,etc..don't bother(sorry). 15# was the best, short and powerfull and yeah ralph ofc!

02/12/2009 12:25:00 PM

Otaku

... because all rhymes say "violets are blue". Get it? The card is telling you that violets aren't blue, they're purple. Hysterical. PS - I think #2 is really sad, not funny.

02/12/2009 12:24:00 PM

jet62877

#1 wasn't bad, but I showed the thread to many people and they ALL liked #7 best. We should be able to vote on it!

02/12/2009 12:21:00 PM

modernvoid

Number seven takes it for me. Would have likes #6 to have been more... aggressive. See? SEE?! FUCK!!!

02/12/2009 12:12:00 PM

ThursdaysChild

What's with the "violets are purple...see?" thing?

02/12/2009 12:07:00 PM

greeenhaze

Loved #6 & #13...but #4 the best. I never seem to agree with the #1. Like, ever.

02/12/2009 12:06:00 PM

MsMiscreant

Ever notice in these photoshops that the one that comes in last out of the ones they show is always one of the best? In this one #15 had to be one of the five best at least. It would be such a classic moment if they ran a new Simpsons where Ralph gives this card to Lisa.

02/12/2009 11:55:00 AM

DavidGee

Wow, #3 should have been the winner--it was the only one that made ME laugh out loud, at least. #1 was really lame and predictable, imho.

02/12/2009 11:53:00 AM

mournblade

#2 is my favorite, but I love #6 too. In fact, I would like to receive #6 as a valentine, it would be great.

02/12/2009 11:47:00 AM

Howabominable

This is allot of truth there.

02/12/2009 11:40:00 AM

Perry-Crann

The firstg photoshop contest I've seen where every entry made me laugh. Bitter, lonely man that I am.

02/12/2009 11:07:00 AM

Haruhi

#15 is great, #1 didn't even make me grin, wtf? #7 gets the prize though.

02/12/2009 11:06:00 AM

itsnotlupus

I would give one of these to my girlfriend....if she had a sense of humour.

02/12/2009 10:01:00 AM

Synskin

#6 is quality! Nice work, Senor_Taco. If I wasn't cripplingly single, I'd already be printing that out and making it into a real card.

02/12/2009 10:01:00 AM

captain_cranky

I gotta say that I liked the first one haha, real good stuff.

02/12/2009 10:00:00 AM

gregger

#2 was funny but at first I thought it was a suicide letter haha

02/12/2009 09:57:00 AM

theHeadCase

Why is there a picture of an ASIAN on a post for __Tallmingle.com__?

02/12/2009 09:50:00 AM

Kodiak

OK, what the hell? ALL of those were better than the winner.

02/12/2009 09:41:00 AM

chimaera42

#15 is brilliant. It's a crime that it isn't a real card already.

02/12/2009 09:39:00 AM

asianpork

#6 FTW. Also women want to be told that they are more attractive than the SI swimsuit edition cover model.

02/12/2009 09:28:00 AM

Erinthebitch

#13... pure classic!

02/12/2009 09:27:00 AM

acaba36

Really? hard to believe.i heard this news times from many friends playing on a tall dating site ___Tallmingle.com___,i did not believe, i think that they are know nothing but dating and love. i am wrong.

02/12/2009 09:25:00 AM

jacklove

thank for #3 explanation.

02/12/2009 09:19:00 AM

Obefiend

#3 is I want to be INSIDE of you.

02/12/2009 09:10:00 AM

Vesci

#6 was fantastic. If it couldn't win, it should've at least been second. But the winner was good, too. It deserves its spot.

02/12/2009 09:04:00 AM

Tartra

#13 was amazing. Def my first choice. Next would be #7.

02/12/2009 09:02:00 AM

K-Star

Wow, #6 was really great. I'd have ranked that one higher.

02/12/2009 08:44:00 AM

Cherlindrea

#6 was ROBBED!

02/12/2009 08:38:00 AM

fknrat

#15 Simpsons FTW #1 was kind of a whack choice for winner. 15, 13, 9, 5 were all much better.

02/12/2009 08:35:00 AM

rmcd

6 is legendary

02/12/2009 08:31:00 AM

requin

jrt415: it's I want to be IN you get it?

02/12/2009 08:27:00 AM

moog

I think #3, #5 or #7 should have won although the winner was quite good too.

02/12/2009 08:19:00 AM

Madchester

and, someone explain #3 other than it saying, I want to be you.

02/12/2009 08:15:00 AM

jrt415

poor showing, I didn't submit anything because I usually get blown out of the water, should have this time.

02/12/2009 08:13:00 AM

jrt415

#11,#13,#15 had me laughing my ass off. They were all good!

02/12/2009 08:12:00 AM

RedCricket

Man, #11 was the best. I salute you, Quagmar!

02/12/2009 08:12:00 AM

TheDreadedMarco

I keep hearing the "SEE?" on number six in an uber snotty voice that is keeping me giggling. SEE? see!!! SEEEEEE?!!?!?

02/12/2009 08:10:00 AM

shoegal529

#7 had me laughing my ass off!

02/12/2009 08:07:00 AM

Truthiness

Number 3 was good. Took me a second to get it. But Number 15 had me in tears laughing. I think it has a little Simpsons reference in it as well.

02/12/2009 08:05:00 AM

TheHymenHitman

And now that I think of it, "America" is a pretty darn ridiculous word if you say it a bunch of times.... Try it! America America America See?

02/12/2009 07:56:00 AM

BuckleAU

Doomboy911; I believe the artist wanted it to be a card by a ten year old boy to be presented to a ten year old girl whose older brother has an Xbox. Hence the poor writing.

02/12/2009 07:56:00 AM

ThatJeff

#3 was very clever

02/12/2009 07:56:00 AM

timesamillion

Quick question, for those much smarter than I: Why does the title page of Cracked.com say "American's" instead of "America's"? and if it's supposed to be that way, shouldn't it be "Americans'"?

02/12/2009 07:54:00 AM

BuckleAU

Great crop this week. I think every one of the entries was really funny and that's quite rare.

02/12/2009 07:50:00 AM

LummoxJR

I think #3 would have been better if the bee had been a bone.

02/12/2009 07:48:00 AM

thebyron

I'm totally using 11 if the chance ever presents itself.

02/12/2009 07:34:00 AM

ahoythere4

#2 is good, though a lot of reading, but number 5 is EPIC

02/12/2009 07:28:00 AM

Random240

funny stuff man i thought number 2 was really funny

02/12/2009 07:23:00 AM

urbancowgirl

#4 was made by a trained chimp with poor caligraphy.

02/12/2009 07:23:00 AM

Doomboy911

What the hell's up with #5? How'd she get a picture of the card I gave to Julie? P.S. She said no last year, especially since it was the third time I gave her a card like that. But I have a feeling that THIS is my lucky year! This time I gave her a locket of hair from somewhere else on my body ; )

02/12/2009 07:21:00 AM

The_Prowler

#2 bored me.

02/12/2009 06:56:00 AM

Nikacho

15 was my favorite :P

02/12/2009 06:55:00 AM

DMZ-TyranT

I couldn't finish reading #2. It was too long. I hope I didn't miss anything funny. #1 was good.

02/12/2009 06:49:00 AM

Onodera

#2 was just depressing. I thought these were supposed to be funny.

02/12/2009 06:40:00 AM

AtomicSpike

loved #9 and #7, didn't really get #9 right at first! #15...haha, nice Simpsons reference, loved it!

02/12/2009 06:35:00 AM

horrorshow88

nothing beats 6 and 5

02/12/2009 06:34:00 AM

anony

#11 so true. LOL

02/12/2009 06:26:00 AM

Ish

Number 4, no doubt. I lol'ed. I haven't heard the chirpes joke in 20 years. Thanks for the stroll down memory lane, but not a big win.

02/12/2009 06:14:00 AM

elvisjulep

LMAO, ain't it the truth! RT www.anon-tools.us.tc

02/12/2009 06:01:00 AM

AbleBobby

Meh

02/12/2009 05:51:00 AM

boombalonga

#7 was classic.

02/12/2009 05:34:00 AM

Yitzchok

#4 ftw!

02/12/2009 04:53:00 AM

gamera210

13 was my personal number 1 - i'll be sending that to my own post for sure. great list.

02/12/2009 04:21:00 AM

zsasz

I have to say, I'm impressed. I came in here dreading the inevitable list of "cause I want to bang you" cards, and while I'm sure that's the first thing the submitters thought of, they were all able to find another angle. Which is why I don't submit to these things. (That and the fact that the quatlity of the results born of my photoshop skills rival nothing so much as what might be produced by two cats mating on my mousepad with photoshop open.) I gotta go number 8 though. Simply because if you actually made that card, and put a cute picture on the cover, it would sell. Really well. Especially ON Valentine's morning, when the panic sets in, and guys just start grabbing stuff.

02/12/2009 04:15:00 AM

Caegn

Last years were much better.

02/12/2009 04:13:00 AM