10 Important News Stories as Depicted by 5-Year-Olds

The 5-year-old who came up with the last two must be SCARRED.

08/08/2009 04:35:00 PM

Luigifan

FINALLY!!! they choosed a decent one for #1!

09/09/2008 04:35:00 PM

Framon

cracked is Florida and I think we know what that means........

09/05/2008 12:25:00 PM

SlickityMuffet

i chuckled at 2

09/04/2008 07:08:00 AM

Erika_Roxx

I enjoyed this.

09/03/2008 11:08:00 PM

PigletCommando

5 year olds don't know what hard ons are. fuck, I didn't even know what the purpose of a boner was till I was like 19.

09/03/2008 12:11:00 PM

T.C.

where did they find these kids?

09/02/2008 04:51:00 PM

manville

Wallsy "None of these are great, but 4, 3, 2 and 1 are completely lame. Did you put the list backwards or something? Posted on 8/29/2008 12:55:03 AM" They're better than yours, so don't be a critic, only an asshole focuses on the things they don't like, it's just like the old adage goes "if you don't have anything nice to say, then that's fine nobody knows who the fuck you are anyway." or something like that.

08/31/2008 07:48:00 AM

tc.rowell

The lobster Jesus is Zoidberg from the Santa episode of Futurama.

08/30/2008 01:34:00 PM

ManhandleZinc

#4 is the bee- heading on the bus. what else would it bee?

08/29/2008 08:03:00 PM

Jmx70inNJ

1 is absolutely great. Also liked war in a rock.

08/29/2008 05:14:00 PM

toastking

#1 and 2 are just damn awesome

08/29/2008 05:00:00 PM

BWraithly

The link to the 25 Historical Events has an extra L in the .html. Seems like little, but it doesn't work.

08/29/2008 03:44:00 PM

ZOMGTorrentPLZ

Number 2 and number 9 are my favourites, although I'm not really sure what news story number two is referring to.

08/29/2008 02:19:00 PM

Voix Mortelle

whose fucked up 5 year old thought of that and where's children's aid??

08/29/2008 01:49:00 PM

AnderX

Mmmmm I love it when people steal jokes from 4chan

08/29/2008 01:27:00 PM

paranoiabacon

The people who are saying #4 is about disappearing bees are either blind or don't understand puns. It's a man with a BEE for a HEAD (behead) on a Grayhound bus. Wallsy: Have you ever been to prison?

08/29/2008 12:57:00 PM

Yarp

In #9, jesus appears to be one of the "Crab People".

08/29/2008 09:42:00 AM

benbolin

How many fucking 5 year olds know what a "Hard-On" is?

08/29/2008 09:39:00 AM

benbolin

At first, I thought that the winner owed royalities from that $50 to John Hodgman. But upon Googling it, I guess the Large Hardon Collider joke has been been around for a while, and the NY Times even printed it that way in a headline on their website before correcting it.

08/29/2008 08:55:00 AM

JanniR

shamille, the Greyhound Bus picture refers to the event where a man suddenly stabbed the man sitting next to him in a Greyhound Bus in Canada before beheading him. "Bee-head". Get it?

08/29/2008 05:22:00 AM

RayZR

I don't get #2 and #8. Can someone explain these?

08/29/2008 05:13:00 AM

DrFreakazoid

WTF are you guys talking about with 4? I'm pretty sure (not positive) that 4 is referring to the disappearance of the honey bee's as of late. Eating flesh? Too soon??

08/29/2008 05:11:00 AM

Evolv

i don't get the greyhound one.

08/29/2008 04:00:00 AM

shamille

8 is ace

08/29/2008 03:53:00 AM

Obefiend

None of these are great, but 4, 3, 2 and 1 are completely lame. Did you put the list backwards or something?

08/29/2008 12:55:00 AM

Wallsy

Yeah, why is jesus depicted as a Lobster-Man(TM) who can use force lightning?

08/28/2008 11:00:00 PM

Zuul

Well, it won't be long now before religious groups start using the "Large Hardon Collider"-poster as an argument point against gay marriage:) You se know, homosexuals can cause the world to end with the unspeakable vile horrors they perform in their bedrooms. Soon enought some of them will trigger a strange matter reaction that will infect the entire world. Did I say strange matter - I meant queer matter:)

08/28/2008 10:59:00 PM

Veiko

MacHaggis: He did eat parts of him. Also when he was subdued they found some of the victim's body parts in his pocket and in plastic bags and stuff. Check the link: http://www.nationalpost.com/news/story.html?id=702288

08/28/2008 10:38:00 PM

timepants

I'm sorry, I didn't think any of them was funny. Better luck next week.

08/28/2008 10:29:00 PM

Spitz512

why does jesus have lobster hands?

08/28/2008 10:25:00 PM

HeyCupcake

at wag117: the misspelling is completely intentional. If you look at the end, it spells out "OWNED" :D

08/28/2008 09:50:00 PM

AsianBorat

Zarxxis says number 1 is full of fail. Somebody must have a pretty fucked up five-year-old.

08/28/2008 09:41:00 PM

Zarxxis

I live in Arizona, and I knew exactly what number 4 was. The idea is humorous. The incident was just beyond the fucking pale. What pisses me off is that, after discovering what happened, no one tried to take that sick motherfucker out. I love my CCW Permit, because if a sick bastard were to try any shit like that and I was aware of it, he'd be breathing through 7 new .45 caliber holes. I Hadn't heard about the eating of the victims flesh thing. Can a Canadian confirm that or disprove it for me?

08/28/2008 08:58:00 PM

MacHaggis

maybe they learned about hard ons from some older relatives(uncles and dads and such)

08/28/2008 08:46:00 PM

FrederSonOfJoh

5 year olds know about hard ons?!?

08/28/2008 08:29:00 PM

Moo626

LMFAO at # 2

08/28/2008 08:25:00 PM

moeali777

at tiamatty: the misspelling was probably unintentional.

08/28/2008 07:50:00 PM

wag117

#4 was brilliant... really offensive.. and probably too soon... but brilliant...

08/28/2008 07:06:00 PM

Nixon20

The funniest one actually won! That never happens

08/28/2008 05:12:00 PM

tony_schlub

#9 ftw. Can't beat the jebus

08/28/2008 04:49:00 PM

Kit Kat

hahahaha WOW guys. Its about that guy being beheaded on a greyhound bus. lol.

08/28/2008 04:46:00 PM

AlabasterBox

damn, thats the worst hard on collision ive ever seen.

08/28/2008 04:36:00 PM

DJBIGT

...are you seriously serious ipesch..?

08/28/2008 04:19:00 PM

crankdopekelly

i don't think those were made by five year olds but nice try and nice entertainment :)

08/28/2008 04:12:00 PM

lpeschard

Shit, #4 was kinda funny but that whole event was so disturbing that it's tough to laugh at. Yeah, for anyone who doesn't know, some guy just went apeshit on a bus and beheaded his seatmate and then craved up his body and apparently ate part of him.

08/28/2008 04:02:00 PM

Hacksaw_Highway

srsly most economies are usually in the tank anyway

08/28/2008 03:49:00 PM

Acosmist

isn't the disapearing bees just a story from dr who?

08/28/2008 03:33:00 PM

jizzmonkey

I guess no 10 was best. Why no gary glitter jokes? Its like the News from the U.K is not important to all you boys in the colonies.

08/28/2008 03:32:00 PM

jizzmonkey

i have t disagree with you Tiamatty.. #4 just wasnt funny...

08/28/2008 03:05:00 PM

robotkiller

helen: Considering the person who drew it has acknowledged it was about the beheading on a Greyhound in Canada, I'm gonna go ahead and say it's not about the disappearing bees. My fiance was obsessed with that beheading for a week or so after it happened. She didn't seem quite able to wrap her head around it. Just for the record, #4 was my favourite. That's the sort of thing that would break your heart if a 5-year-old actually did draw it. (On a sidenote, the misspelling of 'Greyhound' was brilliant.)

08/28/2008 02:59:00 PM

Tiamatty

why is #4 on here if nobody gets the reference? some people said its about the bee's leaving, some say its about some getting beheaded on a bus...i mean come on now...

08/28/2008 02:57:00 PM

robotkiller

Large hardon collider is funny enough to win? I guess the dick joke IS king around here...

08/28/2008 02:44:00 PM

cannibal_sativa

#6 should have won and #2 was good too.

08/28/2008 02:17:00 PM

ihavenothing

I believe #4 is actually about the disappearance of bees in more than 20 US states.

08/28/2008 02:01:00 PM

helenina616

darkhorse08817, #4 is about the guy was was killed and beheaded on a greyhound bus in Canada

08/28/2008 01:19:00 PM

greatsayain

wow, this contest must have been a dry one. agentsirus, its prbly not that they were bad choices but there were so many bad ones overall that they had to choose the ones that didn't suck as much. i mean why do u think there were only ten pictures this time? and srsly #1 was the only good one PERIOD.

08/28/2008 01:13:00 PM

RaisukeUzarachi

Props to popeoptimus for Zoidberg Jesus! #1 in my book

08/28/2008 12:50:00 PM

TheJake

Forgive me if I'm being repetitive, but how is a dirty whore (#2) news? American waterboarding was the best one.

08/28/2008 12:46:00 PM

Yarp

Christ. Whoever chooses these chooses the dumbest shit from the entries, I swear.

08/28/2008 12:36:00 PM

agentsirus

Meh. What's # 4 about, btw?

08/28/2008 12:35:00 PM

darkhorse08817

oh, and I can't type, obviously...sorry

08/28/2008 12:23:00 PM

reeseifer

I laughed, I did, honest....but did 5 tear olds really draw those? I doubt it

08/28/2008 12:23:00 PM

reeseifer

I'd like to think that tie guy and other guy in #1 represent different roles in society. In essence "Yes, people may be different in their economic standings, but once that thing lights up we're all fucked."

08/28/2008 12:00:00 PM

Freak14

I agree none were funny but taken as a whole they were not funny

08/28/2008 11:54:00 AM

sbate

silvadream, you probably didn't hear about number 4 'cause it happened in canada. someone was decaptiated,or "beheaded" on a greyhound bus, you see. it was the most gruesome occurrence in years in the country, and so it's only appropriate to make an awful pun out of it in search of fifty bucks.

08/28/2008 11:53:00 AM

unshavencommie

From what I remember drawing when I was 5, these should have included a lot more dinosaurs and monster trucks. I don't see either.

08/28/2008 11:52:00 AM

CodyCastor

#2 beats #1 And next time, I am going to enter with a pic from a real 5 year old :D

08/28/2008 11:12:00 AM

Icalasari

the winner was funny, but it doesn't look like a five year old drew it. just sayin.

08/28/2008 11:09:00 AM

a_penis

None of them were really that funny...

08/28/2008 10:52:00 AM

zoltan

Number 3 actually applies to me. I lost my bike last year and I went from living in a lovely house to living in a shitty apartment.

08/28/2008 10:34:00 AM

jagenigma

Nice how they get the readers to produce the articles for them. Eventually, they won't have to do anything--just sit back and watch you guys entertain yourselves.

08/28/2008 10:21:00 AM

feralboy12

oops...cuz marriages never last anymore. oh and we know 5 yr olds didn't really do this. it's humorous

08/28/2008 10:01:00 AM

baronzemo

think #2 was the best. and no, it doesn't really seem like news cuz it's common accurance

08/28/2008 10:00:00 AM

baronzemo

Numero seis the obvious winner. One day, Cracked will see these things my way.

08/28/2008 09:55:00 AM

magusdee

Hurray! They are all shitty puns!

08/28/2008 09:48:00 AM

Synskin

i dont get number 4

08/28/2008 09:36:00 AM

silvadream

#2 is great.

08/28/2008 09:28:00 AM

checkminus

I think someone should notify the FBI about bunker6. It is frankly disturbing that he thinks 5 year olds know about hardons...

08/28/2008 09:16:00 AM

justtom

CodyCastor if that is true, I am not sorry, it is the cherry on top of the sundae after my #2 showing here today.

08/28/2008 09:01:00 AM

getfreshdesigns

i must admit that greyhound joke was in bad taste.... but i still laughed. am i going to hell?

08/28/2008 08:58:00 AM

dubs_zino

Sorry for double-post, haven't seen the explanations below...

08/28/2008 08:48:00 AM

CrackedAddict

What's number four?

08/28/2008 08:44:00 AM

CrackedAddict

I take issue with #2. My boss walked by and noticed this blatant hardcore pornography on my screen, and now I'm out of a job for looking at erotic imagery on the clock. Again. Anyone need a poolboy or something?

08/28/2008 08:35:00 AM

CodyCastor

Lobster Jesus in #9 is awesome! lol

08/28/2008 08:24:00 AM

AtomicSpike

darknessdragon thought my picture was awesome, not the actual incident. I wasn't trying to make fun of what happened, it was terrible. The fact of the matter is, a 5 year old WOULD draw something like that if asked to. I know this because I have several nieces and nephews.

08/28/2008 08:09:00 AM

AndelleRae

ROFL at #1

08/28/2008 08:07:00 AM

cchaos

darknessdragon...u think a kid getting stabbed and beheaded in his sleep is awesome? Your fuckin sick...I live close to where this happened, its hear-breaking, this kids family is devastated

08/28/2008 08:01:00 AM

zoltan

#2 is about what in the news?

08/28/2008 07:56:00 AM

dant

haha! #4 was awesome, it refers to the beheading on the greyhound bus...

08/28/2008 07:45:00 AM

darknessdragon

I thought #4 was about that beheading incident on a bus in Canada. Get it? Not saying it's not lame...

08/28/2008 07:45:00 AM

drunko

Hahaha #5 rocked! OK so it might be pretty commonplace in the US, but it's hilarious elsewhere...

08/28/2008 07:42:00 AM

pingollum

The one that looks the least like it was drawn by a 5 year old wins? The one with 100% correct spelling and boners wins? Cracked is fucking gay.

08/28/2008 07:38:00 AM

Smell-the-glove

#4 refers to the bees disappearing.

08/28/2008 07:37:00 AM

Rufa

Fuck, #2 was by far the best :D

08/28/2008 07:36:00 AM

Brizz

Dammit... Every time, you pick the least awesome entry. This is starting to suck.

08/28/2008 07:29:00 AM

Jarrod

Come on Cracked, you can do better than this.

08/28/2008 07:18:00 AM

sadron

Whoa wait someone got decapitated on a bus in Canada? Jesus christ!

08/28/2008 07:15:00 AM

Namorgasm

Worst.contest.Ever.

08/28/2008 07:13:00 AM

JayleBayt

NO DONT BANG HARDONS WE'LL ALL DIEEEEEEE AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!

08/28/2008 06:49:00 AM

noodlepie54

I'm excited. Is it sad that being on this list put me in a good mood?

08/28/2008 06:36:00 AM

AndelleRae

witmereric-- thanks

08/28/2008 06:28:00 AM

robotkiller

lol I liked #9, but why is Jesus a lobster?

08/28/2008 06:20:00 AM

Lyonkyng

Not a great competition, really.

08/28/2008 06:05:00 AM

Gamoc

Sure can explain #4, though it took me awhile to figure it out, too. It's about the crazy guy who bee-headed the guy sitting next to him on the bus. Happened in Canada, and the story is really disturbing.

08/28/2008 06:02:00 AM

witmereric

haha large hardon collider

08/28/2008 05:59:00 AM

Gamble

I don't have an entry, so it's not sour grapes, but while I think #1 is funny, it's not something a 5-year old would think of. Now if it was a Large Weener Collider, maybe...

08/28/2008 05:59:00 AM

tjoister

I guess I mean #1, don't I (it's the tenth one you read).

08/28/2008 05:55:00 AM

deviantbono

Honestly, every time I read about the Hadron Collider in the news (or Cracked) #10 is exactly what I would think of.

08/28/2008 05:54:00 AM

deviantbono

I gotta tell ya... most of these really blew chunks.

08/28/2008 05:54:00 AM

scooterjb

Only 10? Boo-urns...

08/28/2008 05:48:00 AM

beer

Wow, first off I got second, I'm all giddy. Chemo, as I found out from the previous contest, you need to follow the rules: Entries must be no wider than 480 pixels. There are plenty that are much larger than 480 pixels. So, they get tossed, plus how many olympic and georgia do you really need.

08/28/2008 05:47:00 AM

getfreshdesigns

Can someone explain #4...

08/28/2008 05:47:00 AM

robotkiller

Wow, judging must have sucked, there was 16 pages worth of entries and only ten made the cut.

08/28/2008 05:40:00 AM

chemo

I liked number 6 the best.

08/28/2008 05:34:00 AM

Dreamsicle

They chose a good one as #1! Will wonders never cease?

08/28/2008 05:34:00 AM

Kaedechtu

BEST! Haw, I'm such hot shit. Check me out with my commenting, and such.

08/28/2008 05:13:00 AM

GeoffLeppard

I thought number nine was the best.

08/28/2008 05:08:00 AM

Zombie Punk

first

08/28/2008 05:06:00 AM

robotkiller