20 Features the Next iPhone Should Totally Have

Slide show view blows! Take the hint. Go back to the old way. Please?

10/20/2009 05:21:10 AM

DapperDaveIa

#17 would be the most useful XD

10/19/2009 03:01:20 PM

failatlife

ActionBstrd...it doesn't always work, dude. THAT'S why the frustration. I keep getting left with a white page.

10/13/2009 08:51:50 AM

Meredith

The viewer is killing me. I didn't bother to look at more than two of them. It's not even funny anymore if you have to wait so long for it to work right.

10/13/2009 08:50:56 AM

Meredith

My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.

10/12/2009 02:40:04 PM

kaly76hummer

My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.

10/12/2009 02:39:55 PM

kaly76hummer

#7 would be really handy. please make it.

10/12/2009 01:43:07 AM

Akila

BeesKnees, your iPhone does not have a lightsaber

10/12/2009 12:18:10 AM

CitizenDildo

Honestly guys this sort of view just takes forever to go through and the waiting just takes the humor out of it. I didnt bother looking past number 15. Can you pllllleaaseee return to the old view. I use to enjoy these articles because they were easy to look at.

10/12/2009 12:01:15 AM

sierracafe

I agree with Joe, this viewer sucks. Is it literally just to generate more clicks? Anyways, #4 kicked my ass, awesome.

10/11/2009 08:38:34 PM

Brock_Danger

The slide show thing sucks people at Cracked, you should make the 'view as article" thing the standard and make the slide show the alternate.

10/11/2009 07:15:21 PM

JoeCB1991

FOR THE LAST TIME YOU IDIOTS: Just click "Article View" on the top right if you don't want to deal with the s**tty slide show look. Christ you people have been b***hing about it for months now yet not reading other posts trying to help you.

10/11/2009 06:28:35 PM

ActionBastrd

FOR THE LAST TIME YOU IDIOTS: Just click "Article View" on the top right if you don't want to deal with the s**tty slide show look. Christ you people have been b***hing about it for months now yet not reading other posts trying to help you.

10/11/2009 06:22:28 PM

ActionBastrd

number 7 is so true.... btw go here http://www.thebotnet.com/lockerzinvite/?user=joker_monkey

10/11/2009 02:43:47 PM

wickedmonkey

#9 awesome

10/11/2009 11:37:20 AM

Mr.Entropy

Is it me, or is #5 turning turds into gold? Also, #4, is the Ghostbuster's PKE, which is the thing they used to scan for ghosts in the area.

10/11/2009 05:51:55 AM

Zero00430

so f**ken lol

10/10/2009 11:01:29 PM

ninjazrk00l

WTF! Every time I click 'next' (the right arrow) the browser jumps to the top of itself, making me scroll to see the image as well as the next 'next' button. Before I used to just use my keyboard arrow keys, which was TITS! I know u guys want more traffic/ad revenue, or whatever else u get from the new format, but at least make it work!!!

10/10/2009 10:10:55 PM

spiderpig2007

This article is OLD, why is it being listed as new. I submitted #9 on this list at least a year ago.

10/10/2009 09:43:23 PM

benbolin

Hey my iPhone keeps double posting. Sorry

10/10/2009 07:16:43 PM

BeesKnees

are you KIDDING me

10/10/2009 07:15:45 PM

scarydairy

My iPhone already has some of these. The light saber (#18) was one of the freebies

10/10/2009 07:15:31 PM

BeesKnees

OH, a sarcasm detector, that's a real useful invention.

10/10/2009 06:47:46 PM

ArthurDent

I have a complaint. Sorry. I don't mean to discount those who do it, but I really don't think gifs should count. I can't explain why I think this, but usually the regular images are more funny anyway.

10/10/2009 06:12:56 PM

Jehy

My iPhone already has some of these. The light saber was one of the freebies

10/10/2009 05:49:25 PM

BeesKnees

My iPhone already has some of these. The light saber (#18) was one of the freebies

10/10/2009 05:48:55 PM

BeesKnees

@jlew911; #5 is suppose to be an application that turns s**t to gold.

10/10/2009 05:39:45 PM

Windona

uh, pgsengstock? i'm pretty sure #14 is iphone should be able to make women like in weird science, which would be undeniably awesome.

10/10/2009 04:55:26 PM

ElmerFudd

Slideshow? Pass

10/10/2009 04:34:26 PM

splainintodo

@ #14 - iPhone should totally have... the ability to run f**king Windows? If I wanted my expensive device not to work, I'd start using it as a s**tter. I need to go drop a deuce... where's my HP laptop...?

10/10/2009 03:29:05 PM

pgsengstock

As much as I love the photoshop contests, STOP FUCKING DOING THIS!!!

10/10/2009 03:23:21 PM

vagitoe

I wish CRACKED would stop filling in the top articles of the day with single pictures from old Photoshop contests.

10/10/2009 03:02:16 PM

videogamer810

IM SURE IVE SEEN SOME OF THESE ON SOMETHING AWFUL

10/10/2009 02:45:52 PM

soylent_robot

#13 is on the money! Can someone explain #5?

10/10/2009 02:35:36 PM

jlew911

In number one, it's the content of the email itself, not the iPhone app that's hilarious. If you remove the sarcasm, you can see that Craig still wants said iPhone owner to put his dick in his mouth.

10/10/2009 02:11:15 PM

AznWarlord

LOVE #'s 19 and 13

10/10/2009 01:41:27 PM

mami

@skkflip not to go all consipirisy (yeah i can spell damnit! just not when drunk!) theory on you buuuut, the site,i believe records the number of times you visit the page with ads on, the number of times you click on an ad link AND every time your mouse even moves over the ads! then they give those numbers to the ad guys, who get a hard on when they see them, then realise thats their own phone number (dont ask me why thats on it, maybe one of them is hot and the cracked guys are dropping hints? free love dude!). my designer mate told me this, tho he may have been bull-s**tting me. anyhoo... 16 ftw!

10/10/2009 01:38:43 PM

Amner

17 was the best BY FAR. Full bar diagnostics on women come on man? Number 2 wasnt bad either :P, number 1 was lame and over used *which i could detect sarcasm in texts/emails.*

10/10/2009 01:32:00 PM

Sylvanensh

First, free advice to those too eager to get to the goods; [ARTICLE VIEW] button just to the right of the f'ing headline...kindly open your eyes, note your environment, don't go in guns blazing before you realize your aim sucks. Just saying... Second, "Doom bees, up his ass!" -Johen Vasques. Third, Flux Capacitor bit is novel I suppose, End Person is practical, Douch-ometer (so damn true), etc. Quite a few of these are contrived as Hell (beard, light sabre, etc). Seems like the hard workers got the shaft to the "Oh s**t, this (hackjob) is witty as my best dick & fart joke!" bunch. Everyone keep trying plz.

10/10/2009 12:44:09 PM

MrBunny

Wow, I could really use 12.

10/10/2009 12:40:29 PM

xxSpartanxxIIxx

What is with bee attacks in Photoshop contests? There was also one in the Error Messages contest. They're funny, but is it a reference I'm missiing?

10/10/2009 12:18:50 PM

RevertSpecially

"The reason that they use this gallery format is obvious, you see, every time you click to view another image, it reloads the entire page, which counts as an impression for their ad revenue." ummm lasereyes the ads don't pay cracked for loading on the pages, cracked gets paid when people click the ads and get whatever thing the ad is for.

10/10/2009 11:50:24 AM

skkflip

No BGH122 #3 is more important that #17. You need to be warned about age, disease, if she's a redneck. But if you need an iphone app to tell you which girl in the bar is the drunk one you need to go after, then you should just leave the bar, you probably wouldn't know what to do with her once you get her to leave with you.

10/10/2009 11:45:28 AM

skkflip

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10/10/2009 11:24:37 AM

sporks

Sooo number 3 is basically just a poor number 17.

10/10/2009 10:48:13 AM

BGH122

BV isn't an STD.

10/10/2009 10:30:47 AM

dasher11

db3300: I'm going with "driving 30 MPH in the passing lane with her turn signal on, then wasting some retail employee's time with meaningless questions while everyone else goes mad waiting in line." If that doesn't call for some bees, I don't know what does.

10/10/2009 10:29:49 AM

Mr.Tea

biblybobly: when you have the attack bees at your command, moral or reason are not of concern!

10/10/2009 10:25:13 AM

bisi

To all the people complaining about viewing the article in gallery view, there's an option to view it on one page. Click the article view option in the top right and shazam.

10/10/2009 10:23:35 AM

biblybobly

db3300: She is old. Isn't that crime enough?

10/10/2009 10:23:26 AM

Aniqa

The reason that they use this gallery format is obvious, you see, every time you click to view another image, it reloads the entire page, which counts as an impression for their ad revenue.

10/10/2009 10:19:07 AM

lasereyes

What kind of crime against humanity did that poor, elderly, oriental lady commit to have attack bees set upon her and bring upon a slow, agonizing death?

10/10/2009 10:08:57 AM

db3300

can you switch to the older format with the list? this takes 56749874847 times longer and does not add anything. the whipped creme app would be awesome

10/10/2009 10:08:16 AM

AceRockola

f**k this gallery format! what was wrong with the old one?. It's better to see all the pics in one page

10/10/2009 09:41:31 AM

Ruta9

The Attack Bees and Google Space Laser were the best. I'd totally buy those.

10/10/2009 09:16:55 AM

Ganache

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10/10/2009 08:49:49 AM

wetnight

ciachef: Here's a tip. Avoid the ones that you remember.

10/10/2009 08:41:57 AM

IWantToComment

Excuse me while I b***h more about the article format instead of clicking 'article view' in the top right corner. CHANGE THE FORMAT BACK CRACKED. Also, STOP LETTING THIS OLD SHIT CROP UP ON THE FRONT PAGE. Gracias.

10/10/2009 08:32:10 AM

PsyberKayos

OLD

10/10/2009 08:31:44 AM

gamewinner42

Ugh, ANOTHER re-post of an old photoshop contest. Seriously, Cracked, stop re-posting these when we can just view them from the archives. It's so goddamn lazy.

10/10/2009 08:21:13 AM

ciachef82

14 is definitely the best

10/10/2009 08:20:59 AM

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10/10/2009 07:30:46 AM

qjgayv

is it possible to set the "old format" (as in article button pressing" as standard?

10/10/2009 07:27:38 AM

alfred_Nonymous

Acceptable repost - most of these are awesomely funny.

10/10/2009 07:27:27 AM

Ayleid

OMFG!? You retards still don't get it? CLICK THE FUCKING ARTICLE VIEW BUTTON IN THE RIGHT CORNER AND STOP BITCHING

10/10/2009 07:21:38 AM

Berserkerette

Just click on article view in the top right hand corner...

10/10/2009 07:18:19 AM

snes

i agree with bisi, this new format is really annoying. it actually takes significantly longer to load than just loading 20 pictures on one page does; i don't spend enough time on an in-depth analysis of each photo to merit the time it takes to sit there looking at it while the next picture tries to load. also. is this a really old one or something? i have a bunch of these saved from several months ago...

10/10/2009 07:05:53 AM

bibliophilica

also, the profanity filter needs some work. ;)

10/10/2009 07:03:37 AM

bisi

i don't understand why this is now in slideshow format. 20 pictures on one page was just fine - this isn't 1996. we have high-speed internet and scroll wheels now. do you know what a f**king pain in the ass it is to click through the pictures ONE. BY. FUCKING. ONE. is this a move to raise advertising revenue? please revert to the old format. pretty please?

10/10/2009 07:01:21 AM

bisi

I normally hate when people do this, but I have to say that I thought #9 was the best. I don't know how many times I could have used something like that...

10/10/2009 06:46:08 AM

mister.write

Number 14 is wrong... no matter what winmo brings it should NEVER come to iPhone

10/10/2009 06:33:49 AM

Ender216

#4's the ghost detector from Ghostbusters.

10/10/2009 06:28:08 AM

EinDose

We save our environment by recycling articles. Also, what is #4 supposed to be? A spaceship?

10/10/2009 06:20:56 AM

saladful

What the f**k is a dectector?

10/10/2009 06:07:03 AM

Pugiron

ROTFL, luv it dude and I agree 100% Well done! RT www.true-privacy.net.tc

10/10/2009 05:51:19 AM

ccbeeno

The real question here is, how long until Google actually start investing in a Space laser?

10/10/2009 05:50:12 AM

DangerChocomog

Why is this on the front page if it was made in 2008?

10/10/2009 05:31:16 AM

Mystery55

My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.

10/10/2009 05:17:03 AM

kaly76hummer

No way, #1 was there for a good reason, and a sarcasm detector (heheheh)

09/26/2009 06:33:39 AM

Daipire

#2 should've taken the prize...

07/01/2009 06:42:00 AM

harry_ceaward

9 and 15 were the best (space laser and attack bees)

06/25/2009 09:25:00 PM

marathon30596

@ urbancowgirl: it turns shit to gold

06/08/2009 10:57:00 PM

thezoul

What about see through clothing scan

03/28/2009 07:12:00 PM

cockmaster

16 isn't jailbait...

02/14/2009 09:35:00 PM

captain_north

can some please explain number 5 what the fuck man its weird as all hell

02/11/2009 10:17:00 AM

urbancowgirl

#5 must mean you have to shit gold before you can buy and iphone! lmao number 1... hmmm thats odd

12/31/2008 07:42:00 PM

tan-man

well cracked, it looks like u got ur wish cuz according to u, #18 has happened. Yet u list it @ #1. interesting.....

11/27/2008 09:51:00 PM

sallysmanager

fa golden cok wadbesyooooo

11/14/2008 11:58:00 AM

4615

17 would be the most useful anyway.

10/22/2008 12:32:00 AM

truejedi

Some of these really suck. 17, 3, 19 and 13 (obviously) were the best.

07/31/2008 10:50:00 AM

d4v3m4n

#8 clearly was the best one if you read all the little things that go with it

07/29/2008 09:36:00 PM

CaptainAwesome

nice list.. i'd personally put "wingman" at the top of my list.. oh the awkward mornings that app would save....

07/29/2008 12:06:00 PM

Revolutionary

#17, #13 and #9 are the best. p.s., what the fuck is up with the invader zim avatar? are you seven, retarrded or a pedophile?

07/29/2008 10:49:00 AM

willyhassertt

what the hell man, #12 was the same as #20, except 20 was a BTTF reference.... dude, do i even have to explain the correction to the list?

07/28/2008 09:21:00 PM

Lolmao

Funniest were the "end call, end person" option and the sarcasm meter.

07/28/2008 10:05:00 AM

RDE72787

I'm really disappointed in the some of the choices they judged. Some really weren't that funny, other ones I saw on the forum that didn't make it on the list were a lot more original. Just my opinion.

07/27/2008 02:09:00 PM

w4c3y

i must protest for the lack of tricorder references (some scan functions came close). unfortunately, i suck at photoshop, but i thought that at least someone will get the obvious star trek related ideas :))

07/27/2008 10:06:00 AM

hellblade

There were some great pieces there, however i don't think 1, 4, 5, 6, 8 and 14 deserved their positions.

07/27/2008 06:25:00 AM

MichaelFurlong

#20 is supposed to be the flux capaciter(sp?) from Back to the Future. and the guy went back in time because there is a dinosaur behind him.

07/25/2008 07:01:00 PM

PIECES_OF_FLAIR

I don't get #20.

07/25/2008 05:53:00 PM

wickedawesome21

Obefiend, think Terminator and the guy made of mercury (or something similar)

07/25/2008 10:25:00 AM

Jables

Obefiend, it's a self repairing iphone

07/25/2008 08:42:00 AM

boone

can someone explain #2 for me.. explosion? huh?

07/25/2008 08:36:00 AM

Obefiend

God put hair on your balls for a reason. And that itchy soreness you get after shaving them is just his way of punishing you for undoing all of that hard work to put hair on your balls.

07/25/2008 07:07:00 AM

BearMan

Drekafluga, i see it as the sarcasm detector is still running, so I read the whole statement as being sarcastic. The detector should say complete, and possibly have the correct spelling. Since the Firefox spellchecker showed me that dectector was wrong and should be spelled detector.

07/25/2008 05:39:00 AM

getfreshdesigns

Yup. My vote would be Stevesteam"! as well. Ert � annars �slensk? =)

07/25/2008 04:19:00 AM

Drekafluga

If the iPhone was flux capacitor compatible, would it run on plutonium, garbage, or steam? My proposal is that we use all the steam that Steve Jobs is blowing out his ass to promote the iPhone.

07/25/2008 03:07:00 AM

seijinumaru

Sobored, no. There is no remaining sarcasm. That's what's funny about it. To justify the current bar status I'd say that the it continues to load to verify what has already been detected. *sigh*

07/25/2008 01:33:00 AM

Drekafluga

I'd pay good money for 18.. and also 20.

07/25/2008 12:16:00 AM

canhazlol?

Sarcasm meter, everyone needs one of those.

07/24/2008 11:14:00 PM

dwhs

To tyuijbhbhcfcjf, yeah, the bar means the scan is incomplete, because there's still some sarcasm that isn't highlighted.

07/24/2008 09:48:00 PM

sobored

Wouldn't the Gold in #5 sink to the bottom of the toilet instead of floating?

07/24/2008 09:14:00 PM

Armauld

there were much better choices to put on this list but it was good over all.

07/24/2008 09:05:00 PM

glaceau

Got #1 immediatly. The only thing I don't get about it is the bar underneath "sarcasm detector". Does that mean the scan is incomplete? Otherwise, very subtle and funny.

07/24/2008 08:29:00 PM

Tyuijvhvhcfcjf

Mine was so the best, you guys just couldn't handle the raw chafing of unlubed silicon love.

07/24/2008 03:36:00 PM

Spindle

Ok... I just figured out the subtlety of #1... pretty funny

07/24/2008 03:14:00 PM

boone

Steve1 sucks and shouldn't be on the internet

07/24/2008 02:59:00 PM

Werty

I laughed at #8, but then started working on a letter to Apple. Women dating men everywhere would buy their guy one if it meant we could locate his penis in that wooly jungle.

07/24/2008 02:58:00 PM

NotSoVirginMary

I don't get #12, what happened on 3/11/08?

07/24/2008 02:44:00 PM

Zuul

the winner is missing a key phrase at the end...no homo

07/24/2008 02:43:00 PM

psogle

Number 16 sucked and shouldn't have even been on the list.

07/24/2008 02:02:00 PM

steeeeve1

pure genius - great show all round - was thinking of making a mini rant about number 1 not being deserving - and then then suddenly it hit me just how subtle and excellent it is.

07/24/2008 02:01:00 PM

zsasz

Drekafluga: Well, I guess you do have a point there. But if it's limited to sarcasm, I wouldn't be too impressed that feature myself.

07/24/2008 01:58:00 PM

gladeplugins

wow i could talk to my boyfriend and shave my balls at once! how cool is that!?

07/24/2008 01:19:00 PM

rosie

LOVED number 17. Made me laugh so I had to pretend I was coughing at my desk. hehehe

07/24/2008 01:18:00 PM

jessi1974

no. 15 was the best

07/24/2008 11:57:00 AM

jizzmonkey

gladeplugins, the genious of #1 doesn't lie in it being a sarcasm detector. It lies in what is (and more importantly, what's not) detected in that message.

07/24/2008 11:27:00 AM

Drekafluga

Worst contest yet. Only #7 made me smile slightly. And no, I don't give a shit about the Iphone at all.

07/24/2008 11:15:00 AM

craPkit

Seriously, only an idiot would need a sarcasm detector.

07/24/2008 10:50:00 AM

gladeplugins

How did the picture in #1 beat #2 and #3?!

07/24/2008 10:48:00 AM

gladeplugins

Thanks KingThor! =D And thank you ihavenothing. I feel so... funny. But once I saw #1 in the forums I suspected it would win. The (wierdly) obvious subtlety of it is genious. I heartfully agree with the results.

07/24/2008 10:43:00 AM

Drekafluga

this is the best "20 something" contest ive seen so far. This is turning into one of Cracked's best features

07/24/2008 10:42:00 AM

DrDank

The whip cream should have won. Taking a show off piece of tech gadgetry like the Iphone and adding a feature to keep the talking monkey in all of us is genius.

07/24/2008 10:42:00 AM

pelcurus

Maybe instead of the sarcasm detector going off, Jazbeck's Spell Checker should have.

07/24/2008 10:40:00 AM

mellowmonkey1

This was the funniest contest yet. UNTIL the "winning" entry. In my book, #3 ftw. But seriously, how could a "sarcasm detector" beat out two devices that detects suitability for hookups, one that exports hot computer graphics into real women, a money or gold prodcuers, a lightsaber, or even a ball shaver? I mean, come on. If you NEED a sarcasm detector, then you wouldn't be laughing at this website to begin with, you'd be perusing ihavenofuckinglife.com or something similar.

07/24/2008 10:33:00 AM

DrPayne

17, 8, 7, 5, 3, 2, 1. The first time I actually laughed at this many entries, great job everyone.

07/24/2008 10:28:00 AM

ihavenothing

Where is the picture of the dart board you guys used to pick #1? It's funny, but there were better entries in the top 20 that should have won.

07/24/2008 10:25:00 AM

getfreshdesigns

OMG iPhone whippits FTW!

07/24/2008 10:20:00 AM

AkCrimson

So does #11 imply that this feature is an unlimited whipped cream supply, or would I need to get refill cartridges? Could I do whippits off of this thing too?

07/24/2008 09:53:00 AM

BearMan

Clearly #17 would be the most informative and useful...it would make the bar scene a much safer place. Who needs roofies when its easier (and cheaper) to go after the easy drunk chicks.

07/24/2008 09:36:00 AM

jenlgod

#20 for the win. ($50 says the year that guy wound up in somehow ends in the number 5... it always does.)

07/24/2008 09:19:00 AM

dandaman

Best Photoshop contest yet! Kudos to #14 for the Weird Science reference.

07/24/2008 09:05:00 AM

BearMan

#1 is easily the best of the list. In fact, it might be the funniest thing I have ever seen. Ever. It was definitely NOT less funny than every single other entry.

07/24/2008 08:47:00 AM

CodyCastor

har

07/24/2008 08:41:00 AM

WOW!

I don't see why #17 didn't win. damnluckydog, is there some conspiracy against you?

07/24/2008 08:28:00 AM

Bonegina

I love almost all of them, esp. 17 and 3. 2 would be especially useful since I always seem to break stuff. However, 1 won out sheer practicality in our day and age (on the Internet).

07/24/2008 08:27:00 AM