#2. Things Start to Get Weird ...
Have you ever woken up after a night you can only remember in art house-movie jump cuts to find yourself sleeping next to a nightmare of a person? The next morning was kind of like that, except he was a literal nightmare and not a person. I was really embarrassed about that show for a long time, for all the reasons you would expect, but most of all because I actually liked it. Don't you just hate it when you discover you have a horrifying fetish in front of hundreds of people?
"Once you go wood, there's nothing as good."
I was sort of in denial about it for a while. I kept performing with Slappy, but for a few months, it was strictly platonic. It got really awkward in the exact same way that going crazy and falling into bed with a friend can get awkward, which didn't do much for the loneliness that was the reason I took it up in the first place. "Great," I thought, "not even my dummy will talk to me." That's actually the reason why I started adding more theatrical elements to the show, like musical duets -- to cover up the fact that I suddenly didn't feel comfortable having conversations with Slappy.
But it was just a matter of time until things turned sexual again, as will happen with a ventriloquist dummy with a dildo attached to it, and once again, my viewership went way up. The market for this sort of thing was so much bigger than I ever imagined -- those 10 to 20 people in the room at any given time is now in the hundreds, sometimes even over 1,000. To be sure, a small percentage of those people are just there for the joke, fleeing in horror when they realize I am 100 percent serious about this, but most are devoted regulars who are very enthusiastic about what I do. That means it's entirely likely that you know someone who is just way into puppet-fucking. Check among yourselves.
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"Hey, after this, how about we go back to my place and play Pinocchio and Geppetto?"
To keep my routine fresh, I started writing skits and eventually full-blown storylines. One of my favorites that we did recently was on Valentine's Day, when I had Slappy propose to me. The entire wedding planning process and eventually the wedding itself will be done on camera. Yeah, I've actually picked up a wide range of theatrical skills in my never-ending quest for novelty, from stage special effects to sewing to building props.
Probably the most frustrating one was that damn blood-ejaculating dildo.
#1. ... And Then Get Even Weirder
If you didn't know such a thing existed, the ejaculating dildo is a camgirl staple. Everybody has one, but I realized it would be pretty silly for a dummy to ejaculate normal-looking semen (I mean, come on). At that point, I had already been mixing my own fake blood for a long time to use in our duets and skits (obviously), and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world for a murderous dummy to ejaculate fake blood.
The first time I tried it, though, it went so hilarious wrong. First of all, that dildo was a nightmare to attach in the first place -- I tried superglue, duct tape, everything I could think of, but I ended up in tears of frustration that I can't get this stupid dildo to stop falling off my dummy, so that's one problem that no one else has ever had ever. I ended up turning to the Internet to learn how to make a custom strap-on harness for my ventriloquist dummy, because this is just a wonderful time to be alive. Then I had to scramble to change the blood/ejaculate mixture when the dummy failed to orgasm on cue. (You might think that the same mixture will work just as well for a spray of arterial blood as it would for a big spurting load -- not so, my friends. It causes the mechanism to clog.)
"All these people watching ... Baby, I swear this never happens to me ..."
And the act just keeps getting more elaborate -- when it's the middle of the night, I've been drinking, I'm juggling the lighting, the poses, the camera angles, sometimes literally juggling, it gets pretty chaotic. I can't rent an apartment without hardwood floors -- between the makeup and the cum and all manner of goopy things that come splattering out of my act, I'd have to shampoo the carpet on an hourly basis.
And despite all of that, here's the part you're going to find weirdest of all:
As bizarre as it sounds, I've begun to think of Slappy as not only a real person, but my partner. I'm actually finding myself getting cold feet about our upcoming "wedding." One time, when he got lost after a live in-person performance, I was beyond distressed -- as upset as I would be if a loved one disappeared. When he turned up in a bar, I thought to myself, "Oh sure, just get drunk and wander off, that's just great."
Ultimately, though, my work is extremely liberating and cathartic. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit nuts -- you'd have to be, to do this kind of work. As a "straight" camgirl, I couldn't express that side of myself without fear of losing customers, but people expect the weird clown girl to be insane. I can have a crazy episode and people just think it's part of the act. Having this healthy outlet to channel my instability, and this oasis of acceptance that is my audience, has made a tremendous difference in my life. And for that, I am eternally grateful to this wonderful community of sick, sick fucks.
Veronica Chaos performs online every weekend, and you can follow her on Twitter. Amanda Mannen is a dick joke journalist, workshop moderator, and feature contributor here at Cracked, as well as an editor and Twitterer.
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