I'm an ageless green smurf sent in human disguise to uncover the secrets of berry pastries. I have become too immersed in the culture and have lost sight of my mission, choosing instead to join a roving band of ivory smugglers in Virginia. Not a lot of business around here for people like us, but the All-Powerful speaks to us all through the Eternal Channel (my tea kettle), and he has promised us a great bounty in the near future.

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