Were it to snow, the turtles would yield their shells to me for safe transport across the frozen rapids. Born on a bed of pinecones, I knew only pain from birth. I suffered a heat stroke at the age of two. Motherless and alone, I did not remember to drink for 17 days. The only way I recovered was by teaching myself how to swim after only recently having learning to MOVE. A traveling band of gypsies found me almost in the clutches of a savage tiger. I was fending her off with my own two arms, eventually snapping the spine of the beast. My show of bravery impressed the gypsies, and then they took me as their own. Wandering in their tutelage I was Young Bearded Man. I alone gathered the food. I rode along the massed backs of buffalo stampedes, bringing back to the gypsies thousands of pounds of meat. This fueled their own bloodlust, and they challenged an animal tamer's prized mandrill to a duel. This was a terrible mistake. Despite being grossly outnumbered, the wretched animal nevertheless mauled them all. My size allowed me to hide under the ropes of the circus tent; I rolled away to safety. Again, under the watch of no man, I wandered to Greensboro, North Carolina, hardened by the tribulations of my former life. I enjoy reading 20th-Century literature, playing my guitar, drinking whiskey sodas, and being a self-deprecating fool.
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