To help get to know me better, here are 10 of the fondest memories from my past....
1. once, when i was a small child, i was inadvertently left at home by my parents while they and my siblings went away on a christmas holiday. whilst alone in the house a couple of bumbling thieves tried to rob the place. luckily, due to my cunning wits and initiative i managed to thwart them using a series of elaborate traps. my parents eventually realised what had happened and rushed back home to me, full of guilt and remorse over what theyd done. they then went on to repeat the mistake a couple of years later
2. another christmastime my dad, being in a rush to buy me a present on christmas eve, stumbled across a trinket shop run by a strange asian gentleman. in this shop he found a cute exotic pet which he promptly bought and brought home to me. there were a few rules i had to follow with this pet which i must admit i didnt take very seriously. this casual attitude backfired on me when not only did the creature multiply but the newly formed creatures went on to transform into savage monsters, who then proceeded to run amock in the neighbourhood, killing and maiming several of the local townsfolk. luckily, with the help of my girlfriend and the original cute pet i managed to destroy all the monsters and restore peace to the community
3. this one time, an old scientist guy i had befriended showed me a car he had invented that could travel through time. shortly afterwards, during a skirmish with some libyan terrorists, i accidentally triggered off the time travel capabilities of the car and sent myself back in time, to the year 1955 to be precise. i pretty much immediately managed to inadvertently alter the course of my parents destiny, a folly which essentially threatened my very existance, and had to then spend several days trying to revert things back to their natural order to avoid being completely wiped out of history altogether.
4. as a youth being brought up on my uncles ranch in the middle of a desert, i always yearned for a bit more excitement from life. i got my wish one day when we bought 2 robots as hired help, one of whom was carrying a message from some girl (who it later transpired was my sister) asking for assistance from some old dude. intrigued, i set off in search of the guy the message was meant for, eventually finding him and setting off on a journey to save the girl. we subsequently found her and helped her escape the clutches of the evil tyrannical organisation (which it later transpired was run by my father) that was holding her captive, returning later on to destroy their headquarters in the hope that it would put an end to their reign of terror once and for all. it didnt.
5. i once flew to california to meet up with my estranged wife for christmas. she was having her works do at the time in this big skyscraper so i met her there. unfortunately no sooner had i got there then the whole place was taken over by international terrorists hell bent on stealing millions of pounds from the company vaults. i proceeded to embark on a deadly game of cat and mouse with the terrorists, managing to avoid their clutches whilst systematically wiping them out one by one until none remained and the day was saved.
6. whilst working as a police chief at a small coastal resort, a couple of grisly deaths led me to believe that there was a shark terrorising the waters. initially my theory led to resistance from the local community, mainly due to the fact it was the holiday season and they did not want to close down the beaches and miss out on much needed income. eventually, after one death too many, they relented and it was agreed that myself, a marine biologist and a grizzled old ww2 veteran would set out to sea to destroy the shark, a feat which, after several close shaves and perilous incidents, i managed to successfully achieve
7. i was once arrested for no real reason and placed into a cell with several known and hardened criminals. it later transpired that we had been brought together on purpose to carry out a job for a legendary underground criminal mastermind named keyser soze. during the mission everybody but myself was killed, and i was again arrested and quizzed for several hours by a police officer determined to get to the bottom of who the aforementioned criminal mastermind actually was. i managed to throw him off the scent by making up an elaborate story based on various clippings and notes and suchlike that were littered around his office. eventually he had no choice but to let me go, not realising until it was too late that it was actually i myself who was keyser soze
8. in 1972 i was part of a crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime we didn't commit. we promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the los angeles underground. today, still wanted by the government, we survive as soldiers of fortune. if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find us, we are available to hire for a small fee
9. back when i was a shy, socially inept schoolboy, i once went on a class trip to a science laboratory. whilst there i was bitten on the hand by a spider, which unbeknownst to me had been genetically modified with radioactive gamma rays. this caused the spiders dna to mix with my own, giving me all the powers and skills a spider has, including webspinning, wall climbing and disproportionate super strength. initially i used my new found powers for my own personal financial gain, until one day my selfishness and unwillingness to help others inadvertently led to the death of somebody i loved very much. wracked with remorse i vowed that from then on i would only use my gift to help others, embarking on a one man campaign to rid the streets of all kinds of villainy.
10. my grandad once invited me and my sister to a new theme park he had created on an island in the middle of nowhere. imagine my surprise when it transpired he had actually managed to find a way to bring back all kinds of different dinosaurs back to life, and they were to be the main attraction of his park! unfortunately, thanks to an act of sabotage by a disgruntled employee, the dinosaurs soon broke free and ran amock, killing several of the adults and generally causing terror and mayhem all over the place. eventually, after several close scrapes including an encounter with a tyrannasaurus rex and being subjected to a massive electric shock , i, my sister and several others managed to escape the island and fly off back to civilisation.
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