I was nominated for an Academy Award, but loss because I didn't do a sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton.

Later, I was hired to kill Jack Bauer. But when I heard he was only trying to protect the President, we became allies.

Next, I was on disability because I got my ass kicked in the Matrix.

Now, I'm chained up in a cellar under a Lousiana club operated by vampires so they can feed upon me. This is good, because I need to lay low until the Michael Jackson investigation blows over.

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