I am a man of faith. By which I mean that I have faith that I am indeed a man, but honestly who can be certain of these things in the uncertain times which we live. I have favorite pass times but no hobbies. Hobbies are gay. Old men who like to stick their thumbs up 12 old boys' butt holes have hobbies...and usually their hobbies involve their thumbs being stuck up little boys' butt holes. I like snowboarding. It isn't gay. In fact I am 74% sure that gay people aren't even allowed to snowboard in most states. (citation needed) I like shooting guns because I'm a man god damn it and that is absolutely the manliest thing that can be done at any given time. I shit standing up and piss sitting down. I mix beer and wine, but never for myself. I am a accomplished artist, but not the type that gets paid or is acknowledged by anyone as accomplished...or as an artist. I am a scientist. This fact cannot be legitimately disputed since taking a junior high level chemistry class qualifies you as a scientist. Well, actually it qualifies you as a chemist, or more accurately, a 32 year old man who returns to junior high, fails chemistry, and declares himself to be a certified chemist. I love science any everything it has given us such as Gatorade and triple ribbed extra small condoms. Science isn't all fun and games though. I cry out for a society founded on science, but officer Josiah Buchio pretends not to hear me as he shoves me in the back of his cruiser. Science save us.

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