What do you want from me, blood?!

...

Oh, you do. Because, you say - or rather, indicate by way of sharp and painful fangs - you have a bit of the vampiric nature about yourself. Well, that's a little bit different. Could I perhaps soothe you with a word or two about myself, instead of my precious vitae? Would you prefer a small animal to whet your appetite? I've a handful of lab rats lying around for the sake of things; not for any particular reason, it's simply expected of a Scientist. Come now, don't look at me that way, I treat them in a perfectly humane manner, and they've led full and happy lives.

You might be wondering what led me on this path towards Science, and indeed you would be right in assuming that I'm not your average scientist. My story begins in the wilds of Canada, those majestic foothills wherein lie the grizzlies, the walrii, the...

---

...and that! was how I finally perfected my first orbital death ray! A delicious device, made from the aluminium within twenty-five thousand cans of Mountain Dew. (If you're still wondering how I drank all that Dew, you haven't been paying attention.) Yes, with this, I realized, I could conquer the world!

But, alas, my machine turned out to be little more than a portable tanning array, albeit a highly efficient one. I could turn random persons into folks who looked like they'd just walked away from San Francisco - or, if I were to truly focus on them, I could potentially give them a little melanoma. Not the sort of thing which a true evil genius would produce.

But wait! That's right; you were looking for a bit of my blood. Well, if you'd just step over to this convenient little pattern on the floor, then once I've taken your picture for the gallery, I'll happily donate to the cause.

Yes, right in the middle there.

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