I was born Richard Masterson, in the small town of Cockermouth. And ever since I was a boy, people called me Dick. After I became an ordained minister, people have come from as far away as Upper Assendon to be married by Dick, and families wait in lines for months to have their loved ones funerals done with that special "Dick Touch." I have spent my life perfecting my self, working long and hard hours polishing my shaft (The incense burners get everything really sooty!) I try my hardest to make a good name for me, not just for myself, but for Dicks everywhere. Or I'll be damned.

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