60-some years ago, I invented the internet after a long, corn whiskey-soaked all-nighter in my humble Midwestern farmhouse. I still can't recall how I wrote the code or even how I knew what code was, but I'll never forget stumbling out of the outhouse and hearing what at the time I thought was the voice of God telling me to check my mailbox. Originally, I simply wanted to find a way to send episodes of 'The Lone Ranger' to a friend of mine at the University of Cambridge using some equipment my grandfather had bought from a man named Babbage at a garage sale. Sometimes, I even imagined creating a database where 'Lone Ranger' scholars the world over could compare knowledgability, theorize on the show's anomalies and create Top-10 lists in their spare time. What I saw before me, though, was a fully-formed, brave new world of 2-dimensional possibilities for commerce, education and the free exchange of information.

Alas, my family did not share my enthusiasm for this new and time-consuming invention. My wife insisted that she didn't need to type out her status for me to know what mood she was in and my teenage children were either too busy going to see 3-D movies or only interested in sites that led to Mr. Babbage's contraption becoming ill.

Eventually, I sold it to the military, expecting that they'd use it to find more Communists hiding in the Capitol. Now I look back with regret after seeing the eternity of listlessness and pointless arguing that my drunken misadventure has brought down upon humanity. I only hope that I can give them a few laughs as they slide into oblivion.

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