MichaelSwaim

MichaelSwaim's Cracked photo
  • Real Name: MichaelSwaim
  • Location: San Diego, California
  • Member Since: October 12th, 2007
  • Last Seen: May 24th, 2012 11:35 am
  • Personal tag line: I AM creative enough to have written a personal tag line, but choose not to for religious reasons.
  • Message board posts: 413

About MichaelSwaim

I write here sometimes. Also make videos. I also do that one (the videos one) at my own site, Those Aren't Muskets! (www.thosearentmuskets.com). I also do a lot of other stuff, but it's not as directly applicable to the Internet, and I feel like that's what you're probably most interested in. I often shave.

Articles

  1. Live Chat With Dan & Michael 2
    By: , | | 16,871 views
  2. 6 Characters Who Show Up in Every Zombie Movie
    By: | | 780,832 views
  3. 8 Kids Movies That Lied to Us
    By: | | 1,201,528 views
  4. The 7 Least-Faithful Comic Book Movies
    By: | | 673,411 views
  5. The 8 Most Terrifying Anti-Meth Ads: From the Blog
    By: | | 183,488 views
  6. The 8 Worst Places to Steal a Movie Idea
    By: | | 274,447 views
  7. The 8 Funniest Webcomics
    By: | | 743,487 views
  8. The 10 Most Memorable Movie Cameos by Non-Actors
    By: | | 334,069 views
  9. The 9 Most Typecast Actors of All Time
    By: | | 865,769 views
  10. We Describe Pornography (While You Masturbate)
    By: | | 92,653 views
  11. Reminder: 11 Movies Saved by Historical Inaccuracy
    By: | | 4,365,530 views
  12. 12 Great Video Games With Ridiculous Premises
    By: | | 1,974,580 views
  13. The 7 Most X-Treme Products of All Time
    By: | | 459,294 views
  14. Idol Showdown: What To Worship This Easter
    By: | | 18,936 views
  15. What to Expect From Sex (as Dictated by Internet Porn)
    By: | | 311,649 views
  16. So You Knocked Her Up: A Child-rearing Guide
    By: | | 108,831 views

Columns

  1. 5 Reasons Women Will Rule the Future
    By: | | 657,432 views
  2. My Brief Time Undercover As Dan O'Brien (Among Others)
    By: | | 380,890 views
  3. 12 Abu Ghraib Torture Photos (Made Fun!)
    By: | | 301,391 views
  4. 10 Great Books For (Traumatizing) Children
    By: | | 1,035,538 views
  5. Bearded Insanity: The Phoenix Chronicles
    By: | | 62,894 views
  6. 7 Dinosaurs You Could Take In A Fight
    By: | | 183,502 views
  7. The Ultimate Argument For Legalizing Weeeeeeed
    By: | | 54,384 views
  8. Why I Should Be Conan O'Brien's New Co-Host
    By: | | 23,635 views
  9. 10 Video Games That Should Be Considered Modern Art
    By: | | 610,379 views
  10. The Epic Ballad Of Sully And The Devil-Birds
    By: | | 18,067 views
  11. An Open Letter To Michael Cera
    By: | | 54,326 views
  12. Letterman's 9 Most Hilariously Awkward Moments
    By: | | 165,842 views
  13. I Will Soon Be Judging American Idol
    By: | | 20,806 views
  14. 10 Female 80s Cartoons That Ushered Us Into Manhood
    By: | | 701,863 views
  15. Announcing The World's First Actual Supervillain
    By: | | 104,589 views
  16. 2012 ... The Realistic Edition
    By: | | 47,253 views
  17. The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008
    By: | | 135,721 views
  18. The 10 Most Devastating Insults of All Time
    By: | | 406,919 views
  19. Extinction Is Only For Ugly Animals
    By: | | 55,926 views
  20. Every Episode of 'House' Ever
    By: | | 155,019 views
  21. The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming
    By: | | 174,611 views
  22. Class War! A Handy Guide
    By: | | 15,160 views
  23. OJ's 'Acquittal Party' Planner: Worst Job Ever?
    By: | | 9,172 views
  24. Cracked.com Liveblogs the VP Debates LIVE!
    By: | | 9,797 views
  25. The Stages of a Human Life: 408 Years Ago vs. Today
    By: | | 42,172 views
  26. Sarah Palin Pees Standing Up: How To Use Insinuation
    By: | | 18,828 views
  27. The 8 Most Terrifying Restaurants from Around the World
    By: | | 630,837 views
  28. I Want A VP I Can Take To The Fight Club
    By: | | 15,990 views
  29. 8 Animals With Real Superpowers
    By: | | 378,090 views
  30. The 8 (Literally) Shittiest Jobs Of All Time
    By: | | 356,278 views
  31. Announcing The Arrival Of The Gayest Baby Ever
    By: | | 21,864 views
  32. Pull It Together, Guillermo
    By: | | 11,164 views
  33. Is Wall-E Really About An Aging Gay Robot?
    By: | | 23,229 views
  34. 1 Reason Not To See The Dark Knight
    By: | | 38,333 views
  35. Illegal Animal Trafficking is Grrrrrreat!
    By: | | 10,088 views
  36. The Best Stan Winston Creations Of All Time
    By: | | 9,264 views
  37. Unprotected Sex And The City
    By: | | 10,551 views
  38. Why I'm Better Than The Mars Lander
    By: | | 8,173 views
  39. Pirates XXX II: Pirates LX?
    By: | | 40,208 views
  40. Help Me Ruin Dilbert!
    By: | | 9,009 views
  41. How To Make Your Own Judd Apatow Movie
    By: | | 20,560 views
  42. Pedophilia. But, You Know, the Good Kind.
    By: | | 2,631 views
  43. A New Beatles Album You Won't Buy (But I Will)
    By: | | 2,862 views
  44. Robin Williams is a Sexual Deviant
    By: | | 18,362 views
  45. Aging Beatle Ravaged by Gull-Faced Harpy!
    By: | | 4,341 views
  46. Ashley Dupre to Headline SXSW 2009!
    By: | | 4,731 views
  47. Disease is Literally Falling From the Sky
    By: | | 5,434 views
  48. Your Kindle is a Filthy Liar
    By: | | 6,632 views
  49. And Once Again, I Lose To Oprah
    By: | | 4,140 views
  50. Pedophilia: Get-Rich-Quick Scheme or Money Pit?
    By: | | 9,402 views
  51. I HAVE No Change Jar!
    By: | | 19,956 views
  52. New GPS Voice Skins! A Video Review
    By: | | 6,571 views
  53. Jesus is More Photogenic, Anyway
    By: | | 8,801 views
  54. Robotic Mr. Potato Head Will Kill Us All
    By: | | 12,800 views
  55. The 10 Lamest Super Bowl XLII Ads (Part 1)
    By: | | 11,957 views
  56. A Rare Video Address From Anonymous to Scientology
    By: | | 25,307 views
  57. When Anonymous Battles Scientology, We All Win
    By: | | 9,387 views
  58. Meet the Spartans: Something Must be Done.
    By: | | 11,224 views
  59. The Man Was in Jungle Fever, for God's Sake
    By: | | 19,339 views
  60. Dinosaurs Do It For 65,000,000 Years.
    By: | | 6,308 views
  61. Tom Cruise Scientology Interview (UNCUT!)
    By: | | 7,698 views
  62. In a Bonus Minigame, Astaroth Pilots a B-Wing
    By: | | 4,683 views
  63. Let's Play: Associative News Article Degeneration!
    By: | | 2,116 views
  64. Trapped! A Harrowing Tale of Survival
    By: | | 3,134 views
  65. Apple's Got Your Back, Fatass
    By: | | 3,560 views
  66. A Robot Saves Jesus, and The Week in Wales!
    By: | | 7,886 views
  67. Let's Play: Who Had the Worst Christmas?!
    By: | | 10,475 views
  68. The Week in Whales! (Next Week: The Week in Wales!)
    By: | | 4,814 views
  69. Abusing Tina Turner Never Goes Out of Style
    By: | | 6,314 views
  70. What if They Threw an Awards Show and no one Came?
    By: | | 4,887 views
  71. Playing God Never Looked So Good
    By: | | 5,048 views
  72. Did I Like the Futurama Movie? You Decide!
    By: | | 16,088 views
  73. Bill Nye, The Restraining Order Guy
    By: | | 6,605 views
  74. Reasons Hulk Hogan's Wife Filed for Divorce
    By: | | 10,759 views
  75. Rodney King: Why Beating Him Wasn't Enough
    By: | | 8,656 views
  76. Come 2010, You Won't be Able to Read This
    By: | | 11,901 views
  77. Call Me When You've Got HoloSlaloms
    By: | | 1,553 views
  78. Worst Case Scenario: T-Rex Edition
    By: | | 11,324 views
  79. To Protect, Serve, and Beg for Dick
    By: | | 8,109 views
  80. Where's Conan? And Other Failed Children's Books
    By: | | 5,796 views
  81. They Grow Up So Fast.
    By: | | 319,738 views
  82. Scaaaaaaaaab!
    By: | | 4,311 views
  83. Not the Proudest Day in the Battle for Free Speech
    By: | | 4,108 views
  84. Gaming News Extravaganza!
    By: | | 2,698 views
  85. DON'T. TAKE. METH.
    By: | | 14,311 views
  86. Turks Will Fuck You Up
    By: | | 5,477 views
  87. Kiiiiiiiiiiiid ROCK! Got Arrested Again
    By: | | 2,241 views
  88. I'm Typing This From Inside a Fire
    By: | | 2,714 views
  89. He Wears a Blue Robe to Work. Of Course He's Gay.
    By: | | 14,163 views
  90. Sam Fisher Drinks Ovaltine, and so Should You
    By: | | 3,711 views
  91. Gun vs. Fist: The Debate Continues
    By: | | 4,180 views
  92. I'm Sick of These Damn Ingrate Nobel Laureates
    By: | | 2,674 views
  93. Kiefer Sutherland is the New Paris Hilton
    By: | | 2,625 views
  94. Sound and Fury or, The Day Nothing Happened
    By: | | 2,930 views
  95. Radiohead Fails to Resolve Music Theft Issue
    By: | | 4,988 views
  96. An Open Letter to Geico Auto Insurance
    By: | | 3,477 views
  97. Rock Band Release Date Moved Up
    By: | | 1,971 views
  98. Out-of-Context Celebrity Headline Roundup!
    By: | | 3,344 views
  99. Microsoft Thinks Windows Vista Sucks. Get in Line.
    By: | | 19,302 views

Videos

  1. The 3 Worst Pieces of Advice on the Internet
    By: | | 190,176 views
  2. The 6 Least Necessary Sequels to Viral Videos
    By: | | 176,843 views
  3. Why Hipster Bands Shouldn't Be Allowed to Use YouTube
    By: | | 326,284 views
  4. 11 Sex Toys Seemingly Designed to Ruin Sex
    By: | | 546,957 views
  5. How Not to Multi-Task on Skype
    By: , , | | 147,767 views
  6. A Surprisingly Plausible Republican Candidate
    By: | | 383,543 views
  7. 5 People Who Are Way Too Good At Crappy Jobs
    By: | | 524,106 views
  8. The 8 Saddest Real World Superheroes
    By: | | 526,580 views
  9. If the Independence Day Speech Had a Heckler
    By: , | | 280,097 views
  10. Does Not Compute: The Internet's Worst Parents
    By: | | 475,182 views
  11. The Insane Clown Posse's New Glade Plug In Ad
    By: | | 306,346 views
  12. 6 Creative Ways to Ruin Your Own Wedding
    By: | | 573,837 views
  13. The 7 Most Incredible Displays of Pointless Talents
    By: | | 667,310 views
  14. The 6 Creepiest Videos Aimed at Children
    By: | | 510,994 views
  15. 6 Types Of Youtube Videos There Are Waaay Too Many Of
    By: | | 1,306,722 views
  16. The 7 Creepiest Simpsons Fan Tributes
    By: | | 580,640 views
  17. 8 Local News Segments Gone Horribly Wrong
    By: | | 160,541 views
  18. 8 Local News Segments Gone Horribly Wrong
    By: | | 801,182 views
  19. The 7 Most Mind-Blowing Foreign TV Moments
    By: | | 548,666 views
  20. The 6 Worst 'Professional' Music Videos on the Web
    By: | | 521,685 views
  21. The 4 Most Impressive Wastes of Time On Record
    By: | | 462,763 views
  22. The 6 Weirdest Fan Tributes to Mario Bros.
    By: | | 1,057,517 views
  23. The 5 Most Popular YouTube Pages (Are All Retarded)
    By: | | 491,205 views
  24. Looking Ahead: 4 Ways To Make Fun of Obama
    By: | | 293,950 views
  25. The 5 Most Ridiculous Bill O'Reilly Moments
    By: | | 335,702 views
  26. 5 Things You Shouldn't Be Able to Buy on eBay
    By: | | 753,510 views
  27. The 5 Greatest Background Performances in Viral Videos
    By: | | 308,102 views
  28. S.W.A.I.M: The 8 Least Necessary YouTube Tributes
    By: | | 207,664 views
  29. Samuel L Jackson Endorses a Candidate
    By: | | 77,356 views

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