I can say many things about myself. However, I don't know if I'm allowed to. I don't think I can tell you some of my aspects and I can't tell you why, either. I mean, if I could tell you WHY I couldn't tell you, I would be able to tell you, now wouldn't I?

I am single. 6'0". You're beautiful, you know that? If you're ever available why don't we meet up? I could let you pick me up and take me out to dinner. After you pay for my meal, you could take me to your place (I live in the tornado shelter of my trailer park) and let me do sex with you. I'll do anything to you. Yeah, even that. You know what I mean, you contortionist, you.

I'm an actor, which means I'm unemployed and not cast in anything. "Actor" is such a meaningless term: anyone could use it. Just like "writer". "Lead Singer". "President". It doesn't matter that you're not in a show, haven't been published, fail on Rock Band, or poll like Karl Marx would in Dallas, you are these things, damn it! Give me time! Oh, while I'm waiting: would you like fries with that?

I have a Bachelor's in History and in Dramatic Arts from UNC Chapel Hill, which means I owe tens of thousands of dollars for something I could have printed at the library for free. Ah, fuck it, GO TARHEELS!

Metallica Rules, Han shot first, Peter Jackson failed at The Lord of the Rings, Side Street Pizza is the best, screw all hipsters, or whatever you "non-conformist" conformists call the popular conformists. Actually, screw you too. Everyone should have a good screwing.

I find that humor can be found in the oddest, most unexpected places. And only there. Just like stalactites in a cave or my penis in your momma (I have no idea how it got there, I was merely taking my recommended daily dose of beer- 24- and then, well, there it was!).

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