In 1898 I designed a time machine. And...I USED IT, DAMN YOU, I USED IT! I used it to travel through time...into the future. I found the future to be a dismal place, where a mere disagreement caused someone to be branded as a "fag." I made every attempt to return to my time, but alas, my machine is broken. I attempted to repair it, traveling the world to find parts and meeting all sorts of interesting people. In Valparaiso, while looking for a flux capacitor, I was attacked by an onslaught of Russian soldiers, but escaped with the help of the doom penguin, who taught me that "Valparaiso always has four." In London, I was drugged by a special type of Brownie. However, the Browniebandit instructed me in the proper application of hamsters as an antidote for hashbrownies. Silly Americans, always trying to mix breakfast and dessert. I also met Baconbits, who saved me from the diabolical Mr. Wadsworth, the psychotic elephant trainer, by using his jet propelled, flamethrower equipped tractor. However, Wadsworth was able to destroy my time machine. Thus, I am stranded here, in a day and age where my intellectual abilities are as valued as being skillful at underwater basket-weaving. Adopting the pseudonym Inglush Mayjur, I am on a never ending quest to track down Wadsworth and defeat him, his army of elephants, and his sidekick, Kanye West.

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