Some people say that I should be a stand-up comedian. Which is weird, because the dog tells me I should shoot Joe Biden to impress Anne Hathaway.

I once accidentally slept with a hooker. Well, it wasn't really an accident. I slept with her on purpose, but she didn't tell me until after the fact that she was an "escort." Fortunately, I was able to put that incident behind me due in large part to a frantically scheduled physical and the Trojan corporation. Also, I didn't pay. Just so we're clear.

• Home
• Friends