Born on October 8th, 1886, Eric Davidson Alexander Jackson Sloss VII was a man destined for glory. Born to a poor Irish family outside of Dublin, Eric learned how to swing a shalalee stick and boil a potato better than any other man in all of Ireland. He grew up with his best friend Liam Neeson by his side at all times, as they roamed the plentiful foothills and stomped on leprechauns. When the potato famine struck, his family was forced to move to Boston, Massachusetts, USA and start life there. Eric had great hopes of what could be accomplished in The Land of Opportunity, but ended making the baked potatoes at Wendy's because that was the only job he could get. While Liam neeson eventually used the force and jumped all the way to Hollywood in a single bound, Eric was stuck in a small tenement in Boston's gay district with his 12 older siblings and 12 younger siblings. A short while after 1918 (nobody is quite sure of the year) Eric was chatting it up with Babe Ruth over a few Sam Adams at Cheers. Both were completely inebriated, and Eric bet Ruth $5 to curse the Red Sox with a losing streak. Eric claims having no recollection whatsoever of that night.
While Eric was running a barber shop in Los Angeles in 1927, he welcomed in a regular client, Walter Elias Disney, with a complomentary shave. Walt was an animator, and a whiny bitch at that. That day, he spent the entire time whining about how Universal "stole" his Oswald the Lucky Rabbit character. He came up with an idea for another character named Mortimer Mouse. Eric stopped shaving at the half-beard point and said: "Walt, that is the stupidest fucking character I've ever heard of. I'm not finishing this shaving until you come up with a better name." Him and Walter argued long into the night, eventually settling with the name "Mickey," which was totally Eric's idea. He has yet to be paid the royalties from Disney Enterprises Inc.
Many years later, on a vacation through Western Europe, Eric came across a small bunker. Confusing it for an outhouse, Eric went inside to drain the lizard. Upon finishing urination, he discovered Adolf Hitler polishing a pistol in another room. Expecting a humorous reaction, Eric let out a deafening roar, startling Adolf who fumbled his gun and accidentally popped his head open. Eric is still waiting to be hailed as WWII's greatest hero.
In the early sixites, Eric became a huge fan of the Beatles. He met John Lennon on a bus and said "hey, if you guys keep it up, someday you'll be more popular than Cheez Itz snacks!" Lennon misheard Eric's compliment, bringing him a few minutes of shame. In 1971, Eric was working at a YMCA camp as a counselor. He had just finished reading the Catcher in the Rye and was highly disappointed. His friend, Mark, asked him about it, and being the accepting guy he is, Eric told him to check it out for himself. Eric has not seen Mark since.
In 1986, Eric had returned to Boston and landed a job working in Fenway park. The Red Sox were doing well that year, and to commemorate, he bought his best friend, Mr. Buckner, a new glove. He found out later that the glove was a few sizes too small. Eric apologizes profusely.
In 1996, Eric was working on an oil rig. It was his job at the moment, but he really didn't have to do anything. He discovered that his terrible singing voice was instantly made perfect when he stuck the intercom mic into the computer running co-worker Andrew's sesmic rythym detector. Andrew immediately ran into the room, yanked the computer from the wall, and rapidly rowed away with it in a rubber dinghy. Eric still has no clue what happened.
One year later, he struck up a conversation in an Orlando Denny's with a depressed George Lucas at 1 AM. Eric complimented about how amazing his movies are, but Lucas continually complained about how he wish he made them later in order to "catch up with technology." Eric suggested he could try again with a prequel of some sorts, and they spent the rest of the morning discussing ideas. After writing a whole script that surpassed every level of the original Star Wars films, the two departed as friends. Eric, though, being an amatuer cartoonist, tended to doodle as he spoke and drew a 7 foot tall retarded bunny/frog hybrid he named "Jim James Binecio" on a napkin, completely unrelated to what both men were discussing. As he pulled out of his parking space, he noticed in confusion George staring at the napkin, looking at him with an unsettling grin, and waving farewell with his fingers. Please do not kill Eric Sloss.


Today, Eric Sloss resides in Bashton, Massachusetts. He resides with his wife and identical triplet daughters in a large villanova in Bashton's diamond disctrict, paid off by his royalities from selling Grit Magazine as a child (thanks to the advertisements in the back of Richie Rich comics). He owns his own chain of adult restaurants, comedy clubs, and a few Little Ceaser's restaurants here and there. He is also a renowned curator of many lost segments from classic cartoon shows, including the films reels explaining the Krabby Patty Secret Formula in detail, the location of the Secret Spot, Charlie Brown actually kicking the football, the animated portion of "Bye Bye Beavers," the second half of "Hey Arnold: The Jungle Movie," and two unaired bedroom scenes involving Ash Ketchum with Misty and Jessie.

• Home
• Friends