Early Years

Childhood

Yes, there really is a Dr. Baggins. Thaddius Baggins was born on March 2, 1904, in Springfield USA. His father, Theodor Robert, and grandfather were brewmasters and enjoyed great financial success for many years as well as many drunken gangbangs.

Despite some financial hardship due to Prohibition, Thad enjoyed a fairly happy childhood. His parents were horny, and always humping. His mother, Henrietta worked in her father’s bakery before marrying Thad’s father, often memorizing the names of the pies that were on special each day and ‘chanting’ them to her customers. If Ted had difficulty getting to sleep, she would often recall her ‘pie-selling chants’. As an adult, Thad credited his mother “for the rhythms in which I write and the obesity I suffered as an adult due to pie over consumption” .

Dartmouth

Thad attended Dartmouth College and by all accounts was a typical, mischievous college student. According to Judith and Neil Morgan, co-authors of “Dr. Baggins: The Man and The Dick” and personal friends of his, “Thad grew to respect the academic discipline he discovered at Dartmouth—and the sweet poon-tang he enjoy morning, noon, and Easter.” He worked hard to become the editor-in-chief of Jack-O-Lantern, Dartmouth’s humor magazine.

His reign as editor came to an abrupt end when Thad and his friends were caught throwing a party that did not coincide with school policy, and several arrested were made.

Oxford
Graduation from Dartmouth was approaching, and Thad’s father asked the question all college students dread: what was Thad going to do after college?


Sitting in his Anglo-Saxon for Beginners class, his giant one eyed snake caught the eye of a fellow American student named Chesty LaRue. Chesty suggested that he should become a porn star instead of a doctor. He took her advice and eventually, he took her virginity as well.

Early Career

Judge, Standard Oil/Advertising

Marriage and career, however, did not come quickly. Ted needed to earn a living before he could think of a life in Chesty. He decided that he could make a living as a pornographic author, and was thrilled when one of his submissions was published in The Saturday Evening Post. His work caught the eye of the editor for Judge, a New York weekly, and Ted was offered a staff position.

World War II
While Thad was not an advocate of war, he knew that war against Japan and Germany was imminent. Thad contributed anywhere from 3-5 urgent political cartoons each week to PM Magazine, considered by many to be a liberal publication. Despite the steady work from PM, however, Thad wanted to contribute more to the war effort. It was at this time Thad moved his family to war torn Germany to help the Nazi regime. Once the Nazi regime began to lose power Thad and his family moved back to the United States, where they became proud communist.

During the 1950's Thad hit the books hard and completed his PhD in All World Studies. He than started his business of trolling the internet in search of a good time.

Current Life

Dr. Baggins currently resides in sunny Springfield. In his spare time he plays quidditch for the Griffindor House.

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