I have not yet written an 'About Me' because a major studio owns the rights to my remarkable story. I have hence illegally reproduced my own story as follows.

(based on a true story)

Thousands of years ago, at the dawn of man and also the Earth, there was nothing. Later, there was something. I bore witness to such things and was not amused. For eons, I moved the forces of the planet behind the scenes. Punishment ought to be dealt to the heathens that have arisen from their humble beginnings and elevated to the status of sentience. After a pretty long time, that punishment has come. I hath decreed that Cracked become an internet phenomenon, and henceforth I shall post shitty comments that all cannot help but read. And so, for all time, trolls and innocents shall have their eyes bleed from my duplicitous words and their fingers ground into dust from eternal revenge-typing. Unless they are typing with their boners.

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