Hi. My name is Jimmy Holiday. Well, not really, I made that up because my real name sounds too suggestive.
When I was 5 years old, I was abducted by Jeff Goldblum and that guy from Trolls 2 (you know which one, don't play that game) and they forced me to be funny. What they found funny anyway.
Shortly after though, some people thought it would be funny to steal a kid from a McDonalds in Toronto. They then proceeded to put me through grueling tasks such as flying a missile, doing open heart surgery, and they made me choose between my non-existent girlfriend and Betty White to prove whether or not I was funny. After discovering their sense of humour was different from my previous mentors, so I studied succesful comedies, such as Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans and Schindler's List. However I quickly discovered that all of those movies were meant to be depressing rather than humourous.
When I turned 12, I discovered Blue's Clues. Shortly after, I isolated myself from society for the 3rd time, although this time it was voluntary. Shortly after, I heard that the original Steve had committed suicide and that was why that cock-juggling thunder cunt Joe was now hosting. I decided the appropriate way to react was to raid the place where Blue's Clues is being filmed and attack Joe for murdering Steve. 'But Jimmy, I thought you said Steve killed himself'. That's exactly what you were thinking, but I made the connection. Joe killed Steve to get his job. However I quickly learned while I was curb-stomping Joe's face that Steve didn't die at all. Feeling disgruntled, I kept curb stomping Joe's face, now just for shits and giggles.
When I turned 14 I lost my virginity to that super hot girl you don't know, but she totally exists. She goes to another school, you wouldn't know her.
When I turned 16 I finally passed Grade 2, but I dropped out because I had nothing better to do. Now to pass the time, rather than getting an education, I write for Cracked. Totally worth it, but my mom still thinks I'm gay.
No articles found.
No columns found.
No videos found.