1. I am the rightful Earl of Durham, currently serving as unofficial congressional delegate for the Cherokee Strip. Oh, also I love Mark Twain. I mean, I really love Mark Twain. If the managers of the Woodlawn Cemetery knew how much I loved Mark Twain, I'd probably be banned from the State of New York.

2. I come from Uncanny Valley, and dress like a lesbian with a beard.

3. I went to college in the nation's #1 school for hipsters. As a natural contrarian, it turned me into an anti-anti-conformist.

4. I'm apparently so creepy-looking that in college a female classmate I'd never even noticed once came up to me after class and gave me the "let's be friends" talk.

5. I've been a legal resident of three different countries in my adult life. Much as I love my native Massachusetts, I like even better being in a place where you can avoid awkward interactions by claiming not to speak the language.

6. I hate puppies, sunshine, and modern art.