Ever lived in Arizona? If yes, what the hell is wrong with you?! Quick, you can still make it out, its not looking! If no, treat this state like Hiroshima after we bombed it inside out.

Anyhoo, my name's Kevin, Kev to my friends and BrundleKev as of just recently when I got a wild hair up my ass. I'm a bit of a stickler for grammar, which is pretty inconvenient for me because I can't freaking spell. Seriously, I lose my shit when I text people. Imagine looking at me, mid afternoon on a couch holding my head, saying in a dazed voice "Sweet Jesus Kev, that was grammatical genocide". I'm the only guy I know to proof read my response before sending it off, which can take several minutes (which is bad if you're into online dating)

I suffer from insomnia sometimes, so that should be qualified as a plus towards me for getting a job writing for cracked. I'm a colossal nerd, a child of the 90's (wicked awesome dude) and am annoyed by random shit. Like horror movie protagonists. Seriously? There aren't any horror movies in your universe? None what so ever? Well then I'm firing up a modified delorian and I'm going to prepare for three things:

1. I am going to scare your brains so bad they will rocket out of your ass.
Seriously, in a world without Wes Cravens, Lovecrafts or John Carpenters to help build up an immunity (for the most part) against these things, half of the viewing public will lose sleep for weeks if not years (staying up late isn't so great now, huh fuckers?) and the other will either lose their collective shit, either from pure joy of how awesome this stuff is or from the insanity induced mania

2. I am going to have more money than anyone in the damn world.
Check it, all I'll do is use a simple strategy of pumping out classics every two or three years with some lesser known cult classics in between. The scripts alone will set me for life, but the movies will triple that by infinity. I will buy Hugh Hefner's mansion and turn that into my summer home. I will pay Michell Bakmen to keep her crazy mouth shut and never give a single public statement ever. I will pull some strings and have Justin Bieber deported from this country and banned indefinitely. I will have Fred executed for noise pollution

3. I will be a creative genius the likes of which will never be seen again.
Lucas? Suck it. Spielberg? Blow me. James Cameron? Bend over. I will out rank you in every category. Drama? check. Suspense? check. Special effects? C'mon, look who your talking to. And I better not see a computer anywhere near my projects with some Tech asshole saying "well we can cut the costs by using CG-" because my fist won't let him finish that sentence. I will win all of the awards. ALL OF THEM. Hell, they'll even make an award category dedicated to me. It'll be a statue me, getting a blowjob by Eva Mendez (which will be modeled by a real life likeness of her actually blowing me) with me dressed as King Aragorn while High-Fiving Christopher Walken (hallowed be thy name). And I will be the only one who wins then. Ever. Runners up will receive a "better luck next time" certificate and a swift kick in the balls while I say "thanks for trying to steal my shit, fucker!"

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