WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?
It's a bit creepy, but my bitchin' spider-stache is enjoying the attention. Damn bugger always steals my show. I'd shave it off, but I need it to hide my horrible buck teeth...
Wait, you can still see them can't you? Are they just peeking up from under my 'stache? They are? THIS IS THE LAST STRAW, MOUSTACHE. I'M GETTING THE RAZOR!
..All right, fine. You make a good point moustache. I suppose growing a beard'd do the trick.
*mumble mumble grumble*
...Oh! You were still here? What kept you? My tantalizingly eyes? Real pretty aren't they? Deep too. Like the darkest depths of the ocean. You can keep staring into 'em, but you can never quite reach the botto-
Hah! Your soul is mine! And I'm not giving it back. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaahhhhh...I'm just kidding. Here, take it back. Just be glad I consider you good enough company to be worth keeping around.
Oh wait. This doesn't work anymore now that I've changed my avatar. Dang. Time for a new leaf, I guess.
Hello. What you see up there, in that little square box is the screencap of a B-grade movie featuring you, in which I loom dramatically out of the shadows behind an unsuspecting top-heavy college co-ed (who may or may not be you*) to the merry tune of a thousand violins squealing a cacophonous warning come far too late. A warning that, at most, succeeds in signalling said co-ed to slowly turn around and to cower in the wake of my existence, before being shortly relieved of her terror by the gentle embrace of my mandibles...
At which point I jauntily whisk her away into the sunset for an extraordinarily happy happily ever after in which we settle down in a spacious, yet cosy cottage on the shore of some forgotten land and live out the remainder of our lives unfettered by the cruelties of movie conventions which would demand her death at my hands and mine at the hands of some predesignated ultimate hero asshat whose action figures would inevitably outsell my own.
*: In the scenario that this is in fact you, please feel free to leave your contact details and/or any risque or otherwise compromising photographs of yourself in my email.
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