The 20 Most Secretly Brilliant Stupid Criminals

#10. Bank Robbing Crack Dealer Foils Bank Robbery

Two guys walk into a bank. One of them hands the teller a note demanding the bank's money while his accomplice hangs back. The teller immediately begins doing as she's told, filling a bag with money and handing it over. And this is when the teller's day goes from, bad to "seriously, if I'm not on a hidden camera show right now I've probably gone insane." The accomplice -- the most likely candidate to be holding the gun to shoot her if she didn't make with the cash -- begins screaming at the robber, "Hey, don't take that woman's money!" and dive tackles his partner in crime. The guy with the note escapes but, in the scuffle, drops his wallet on the floor. The police later use it to track him down and arrest him. His accomplice? Well, he sticks around at the scene of the crime, as if he expects a tearful "thank you" from the shaken teller, and a medal of valor. Key to the city maybe?


Of course, he's immediately arrested when the cops arrive, since being half of the worst bank robbery team in history doesn't really work as a criminal defense. Wait, does it?

The Secretly Brilliant:

Harry G. Wilson was all about crack: He used crack, he sold crack, he had an official Crack Fan Club Decoder Ring (free with proof of purchase). Hell, he's such a fan he's probably reading Cracked right now (hi, Harry!). So it comes as no surprise that, on January 23, 2008, Harry was out selling crack at his usual spot at the New Orleans hotel. One of his regulars, displaying the remarkable foresight emblematic of crack enthusiasts, went all the way down to his local drug dealer without any cash. So Harry, being the understanding crack-salesman that he is, agreed to follow his client to the local bank so they could make a "withdrawal,"

Either Harry did not see or failed to understand those suggestive quote marks.

The two men went to the Bank of Louisiana, where Harry's client handed the teller a note demanding money. Harry was aghast. This was simply unacceptable; he may be a drug pusher, but Harry G. Wilson was no criminal. He initially tried to warn the fellow off, but that didn't work, and so he resorted to the only option left to a gentleman: The flying dive tackle.

When Harry was eventually arrested, it wasn't for being an accomplice to the robbery attempt--everybody agreed he saved the day-it was because they found crack on his person. Actually, "all up in his person" would be more appropriate: They found it in his pants, in his pockets, even his mouth. Harry was a veritable ghetto pinata--just absolutely stuffed to bursting with his beloved crack cocaine.

So Harry got himself busted down from armed robbery to drug possession because, rather than panicking when he realized he was an accomplice in a bank robbery and just brimming with crack, he took a moral stand. Also, we're pretty sure nobody ever told him crack was illegal. We like to imagine him as he was arrested, adamantly insisting to everyone within earshot that it was cool, those little rocks aren't C-4 or anything shady--it's just crack. And speaking of, would anybody like to buy some crack? Because man, it's great. Nothing to take the edge off an attempted robbery like good ol' crack. And why were these handcuffs still on him? It's real crack, not counterfeit or anything. What's the deal here?

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