Fedor Emelianenko

Fedor Emelianenko is a Russian heavyweight mixed martial arts fighter, who is best known for being an unbreakable machine sent from the future to stop John Connor from leading the human resistance against the machines.

Flowcharts on Cracked are as common as celebrities at cocain givaways.

Just The Facts

  1. Universally considered the best heavyweight fighter in the world for the last six years.
  2. Nicknamed "The Russian Military Experiment" and "The Last Emperor"
  3. Current World Alliance of Mixed Martial Arts Heavyweight Champion and the last holder of the Pride Heavyweight Championship.
  4. Killed a man with a single punch in a bar fight...seriously.

Evidence of Fedor's Bad Assery

In 2004 Fedor fought Kevin "the Monster" Randleman, a two-time Division 1 NCAA Wrestling Champion and former UFC Heavyweight Champion. During the match, Randleman dropped Fedor with a suplex, slamming him into the mat head first. Fedor, (after saying "fuck you" to human biology) immediately recovered and made Randleman tap out with a kimura arm lock. After the fight, a reporter scooped enough shit out of his pants to bravely approach Fedor and ask him how a mere mortal could survive such a life ending maneuver. Fedor's explanation was simple and precise;

"It didn't affect me. I train to fall great distances."

Medical experts around the world attributed Fedor's remarkable recovery to the sheer size of his balls.

Fedor's Record

Fedor's record stands at 30 wins, 1 loss, and 1 no contest.

Fedor's only loss in the sport is controversial, and came at the hands of Tsuyoshi Kohsaka at the King of Kings 2000, and only happened because Kohsaka inadvertently cheated. Seventeen seconds into the fight Kohsaka opened a cut in Fedor's head with his elbow causing massive blood loss. Elbow strikes are against the rules unless the striker is wearing elbow pads, which Kohsaka was not.

Since the fight was in a tournament format, a winner was required as draws or no contests could not be awarded. Since Fedor could not advance due to his injury, Kohsaka got to move on, and thanked his god that Fedor was incapacitated long enough for him to make a clean getaway.

Fedor vs. The UFC

Fedor has had an ongoing feud with UFC owner Dana White, which has kept Fedor from honing his craft in the perennial MMA league. White wants Fedor to sign an exclusive contract with the UFC, a contract Fedor finds the terms of unacceptable. UFC fight contracts prohibit the fighter from participating in any other organization. This is a problem for Fedor, who usually competes (and wins) Sambo tournaments in Russia since he cannot get enough blood and human misery in his MMA fights. He claims the UFC contracts are very "take it or leave it" and has no desire to adhere to these rules.

Dana White has been quoted saying, "This whole urban legend thing has happened with Fedor with some of the hard-core fans, he hasn't fought anybody real or beaten anybody real since 2005."

We here at Cracked like to believe that Fedor's response was simply, "I will break him."

Drago style.