Roller Coasters

Everything on the wood and steel that makes you lose your lunch.

Steel Coaster
Steel Coaster
Wooden Coaster
Wooden Coaster

Just The Facts

  1. Roller coasters are decended from "Russian Mountains", icy sled courses reinforced with wooden supports.
  2. Russian Mountains were invented in Russia (no way!) during the 17th century. Because if there's one thing Russians are good at, it's finding ways to enjoy themselves when it's really fucking cold. [See: Vodka]
  3. Average cost of a new steel coaster is $6 million
  4. Once an enjoyable and family-friendly part of an amusement park, rollercoasters now pride themselves purely on evoking horrible, ball-shirveling terror.
  5. The author of this article has worked at Six Flags and Cedar Point, so he knows too damn much

Cracked on Coasters

coaster
Average coaster

Some time ago, some guy thought it'd be fun to have wheeled carts flying down tracks. It'd be like sledding, only minus the bitter wetness and ball freezing cold of winter. Little did he know, these tracks would create a natural adrenaline rush that would be good for the body and mind. So, it's getting high without getting high, and paying $100 to do it.

bushbong
You know deep inside, you're not surprised.

Roller coasters have a vast amount of fans that go along with it, like Halo and My Little Pony. As such, coaster enthuiasts make it their job to whore as much as possible, riding the tallest of the all, to kidnapping small childern to ride Sprocket Rocket.

whoreing
The author would like to apologize to the author for posting this embarrassing picture of the author

Many people gaze on the fact that with such great forces and speed, these bloody things must be dangerous. Which leads into...

Coaster Safety

This is a safety sign:

sign

These signs are required by law to be in front of every entrance to every ride in every park at every waking moment. These are safety sign, with guidelines for riding and information about the ride, such as:

  • Height required
  • Weight requirement
  • Not recommended for
  • Thrill rating
  • Legal rights and requirements

What is most times missed is the last part, where as if you enter the ride, you do agree to all safety, health, and legal warnings. What is not well know is that 98% of all accidents are caused by riders, not the ride. What makes it funny as all hell is when people who have their 17 year old son get decapitated by Batman try to sue the park.

batman
The legal arguement is that he's the goddamn batman

All that beside, roller coaster are a fun outlet and a natural stress relief. So go out, have a great time, bring some friends. They'll enjoy it when you vomit halfway through the ride.

puke
See? Just like drinking!