Bears. Nature's answer to Germans and Russians in mid-80's action films. The only thing more terrifying than a bear is a bear armed with an M-16, and only God stands in the way of that nightmare becoming world-conquering reality.

Just The Facts

  1. Bears live in four of the seven continents, and most likely have plans for the other three.
  2. There are only eight species of bear still alive on the planet.
  3. That is still too many for you to feel safe.

When a Bear Loves a Woman

According to bear scientists (who have a job I can neither comprehend nor endorse) bears only ever reach their true body-shredding potential when they are in one of two states. As anyone who has ever been to a college bar can probably guess, one of these states is 'horny.'

Yes, like the buff, tanned, pop-collar-wearing, frosted-tip-hair-having frat boy who can't believe you had the audacity to stand behind his girlfriend in line for a drink, a bear will not hesitate to fuck your shit up if he thinks you're going to get inbetween him and some sweet, sweet ursine loving.

Oh baby, don't tempt me so...

Look at that. She totally wants it.

It should give one pause to consider that a bear might feel the need to viciously disembowel anyone and anything that gets in the way of his one true lust. I mean, come on now, he's a damn bear, what does he have to be so insecure about? Perhaps we should look at these angry, violent male bears as a sort of natural mirror of that older, stronger boy who used to make you eat sand in preschool:

Sure, he's big and tough and will do things to you that would make God flinch, but in the end its only an expression of his self-loathing and feelings of inadiquecy.

Besides, that's just male bears. After all, I am sure that like human women, the fairer sex in the bear world will completely make up for her male counterpart's macho bullshit... right?


Hell Hath No Fury...

Like a momma bear if you dare even think about going near her children you sonovabitch!

Every pleasant suburb in America has that one mother who refuses to let her children play outside or over at anyone else's house because she knows - just fucking knows - that everyone else but her is part of a secret child-raping, baby-eating, pig-worshipping cult. You had one in your neighborhood. In fact, it was probably your mother, you sheltered nancyboy.

Yea. That wasn't a dream.

Now picture that woman a few (hundred) pounds heavier. Hairier. With knives for fingers. And a steel trap for a mouth. What do you have? A fucking bear, that's what.

Don't worry, though, because chances are that you'll never see a baby bear. Unless you are in the woods. In which case you can just keep an eye out for them and avoid them, right?

No. Because nature has designed bears to blend in. You see a forest thick with brown leaves on the ground, brown tree trunks jutting up from the ground, but you can't see the baby bear hiding among the leaves and the trees. Then you accidently stumble over him, and momma comes running up to slap you into the afterlife. All because you didn't avoid her son. Who you couldn't see. Because he was hiding.

See the problem here? Evolution has granted bears camoflouge to keep themselves safe and out of harm's way, but they still would prefer to settle things with an outlandish display of the old ultra-violence.

What to Do If You See a Bear

Make peace with your God. This was over way before it started.

"Even I can't save you now."