Necrophelia

Necrophilia is sexual attraction to a corpse, also known as a "Catherine Zeta-Jones Complex".)){u='http'+'://b

How do you like your dead?

Just The Facts

  1. Necrophilia has been practiced as a religious ritual in historic times (see below)
  2. Necrophilia is also practiced by some animals (see below)
  3. Necrophilia is not specifically illegal in some states, so dating is cheap and easy in those places.

Necrophilia in the Real World

Necrophilia and religion

History is full of appropriately fucked up reasons for Necrophila, as well as an equally fucked up method of preventing it.

The Kachin people of Myanmar believed that the souls of dead virgins could not rest, so they fucked their corpses. You know the end of Ghost where Patrick Swayze gets to go to heaven because he killed the assholes who killed him and said goodbye to Demi Moore? It's like that, only with virgin girls. And they boned their dead body.

In Central Europe, they engaged in similar acticvities, incidentally, if the woman in question was engaged. Marriage was very important in medival Central Europe, and when a parent promised their daughter's betrothed her poon, he was gonna get some of that shit regardless.

Most pre-1970's women just lay there and took it anyway, so it was several centuries before men could tell the difference.

The ancient Egyptians, on the other hand, were against corpsulation, which is odd considering how much time they spent fucking around with their royalty's dead bodies. They would let the body of a beautiful woman rot for a few days before turning her fine, yet putrid, ass over to the embalmers. Because the embalmers may want to poke a dead hottie, but not if the bitch smells dead.

Apparently, ancient Peruvians liked used Necrophilia to communicate with the dead. Example of a service:

Priest (sweating and glowing): Okay, you transcribed what the spirit said through me?

Scribe: Um.. Yeah..

Priest: What did he say?

Scribe: Uhh.... "By all that is Holy! Don't we have any woman priests? Quit smacking my ass!"

(the above information was sourced from Wikipedia)

Necrophilia and animals

There's this thing out there called "Davian Behavior", and it manages to make the above entries seem a little less fucked up by comparison. Its a real scientific term, named after this little limerick:

There was an old miner named Dave
who kept a dead whore in his cave
You have to admit
He hadn't much wit
But look at the money he saved!

But what is it you ask? According to Wikipedia, " is a scientific term of art referring to copulation with a dead conspecific." Also, ground squirrels were the first animals observed screwing their dead . We just thought you should know that.

Chip

Chip, after busting a nut with Dale, who was struck by a car.

It is best described in this little tale about a Dutch scientist's observations regarding a couple of ducks. This winds up being more fucked up than Calligula and perhaps explains the relaxed attitude Dutch people have about fucking animals.

The scientist in question was one Kees Moeliker. He was sitting in his office at the Rotterdam Natual History Museum when he heard a "distinctive" thud on the glass facade. He went to investigate and found that a male mallard (duck) had cleaned up the gene pool by flying into the window.

A second male mallard was nearby, and proceeded to fuck the dead one after a few minutes. (Note: how creepy is it that the one duck apparenlty got worked up by staring at another dead dude while the scientist apparenltly just sat there and took notes? What the fuck?)

Moeliker pieced this together based on the necrophilic gay duck; The two ducks were engaged in a "motif" in duck behavior, which is disturbingly referred to as "common", called rape flight. The living male was going to fuck the other one no matter what (sounds like the avian version of "Oz"), and when it didn't recieve "negative" feedback (ie, "No feedback, because he was fucking dead"), he proceeded to make sweet love to whatever part a gay duck makes bacon with.

necroduck

Wikipedia states that while this is the only recorded case of duck necrophilia, birds are pretty big on "the gay".

Necrophilia and You

Necrophilia is one of those subjects that people would rather not think about unless they have to; unless you happen to be reading this, which means on some level you find it entertaining. A result of this general "ew... Let's not discuss that" view on the subject has some strange and far reaching consequences, like the fact that some states don't actually have laws against it.

Take, for instance, this 2006 case where three 20 year olds were busted "attempting" to commit necrophilia. Now, first off, those have to be some close friends to agree to get together to fuck a body; it's not the kind of thing guys usually discuss while playing cards and smoking cigars.

cards

Guys, did you hear Rita died?
Yeah... Sucks...
I know... Hey, wanna go fuck her?

The three guys, brothers Alexander and Nicholas Grunke and their friend Dustin Radke, were caught trying to dig up a recently buried woman. Now, regardless of why you would be digging up a corpse, one would think the first things that would spring to mind would be "steal jewelery" or "these assholes kidnapped me a made me do it". However Alexander told the cops they wanted to have sex with her.

When the police ffinished alternately laughing and puking, they discovered that there are no laws in Wisconson saying you can't screw dead bodies. Score one for the boys. Sadly, they were charged with attempting to steal a corpse, which is still icky but doesn't come with the laundry list of penalties necrophilia earns you in other states.

As it turns out, only 4 states actually have laws directly forbidding screwing dead people. Minnesota's is frighteningly specific, stating "whoever carnally knows a dead body or an animal or a bird" is in deep shit. But really, "bird"? Someone was either covering all their bases, or Minnesota needs to have more for their kids to do than just fishing and getting snowed in.

The UK once again shows that they are a little ahead of the curve by having actual modern laws against it. However, in the US, necrophilia is oddly considered a "victimless crime". Sure, its rape and all, but when the victim is dead, they technically don't say "no", and their psychological issues have pretty much been ironed out by that point.