MacGyver

Angus MacGyver was the coolest television character in the history of the medium who was not affiliated with the A-Team. He could kill a man with two wooden nickels and some Jiffy Pop and use the same tools to pleasure a lady.

Just The Facts

  1. MacGyver was produced by Henry "The Fonz" Winkler. Like Voltron, when MacGyver and the Fonz come together the awesomeness is increased. Unlike Voltron, there is no evidence that Richard Dean Anderson and Henry Winkler ever merged into an animated, Japanese robot.
  2. MacGyver never carried a gun, opting instead to murder people with a Swiss Army Knife, He never did it on screen but don't doubt people died. Horribly.
  3. In one episode of MacGyver, he uses a paperclip to disable a nuclear weapon. So fuck you, North Korea. We have tons more paperclips here.

Skill Set

MacGyver is a secret agent working for an organization that doesn't really exist and trained by a branch of the government that doesn't really exist, making them marginally more useful than FEMA.

MacGyver's shtick was the ability to solve any problem using completely preposterous methodolgy. For instance, if most people find themselves trapped by Libyan terrorists in an abandoned silo full of poisonous snakes, they would probably die before the first panic shit fully escaped the o-ring. MacGyver would fasten the snakes together with his shoelaces and beat them against the walls of the silo until achieving some kind of harmonic resonance that would collapse the silo around him, directly onto the terrorists. His hair would remain feathered the entire time.

MacGyver once stopped a sulfuric acid leak with chocolate. With fucking chocolate. This idiotic solution is made all the more idiotic by the fact it's scientifically sound and was proved correct on the show Mythbusters.

MacGyver once escaped people trying to kill him in a hot air balloon, a feat that had previously only be accomplished by cartoon characters and the insane.

MacGyver makes a defibrillator out of candlesticks and a random electrcial cable. Had the cable not been available he would have massaged the heart backt o life with his bare hands. MacGyver is sorta Jesus like that.

MacGyver apparently poses at gay art studios in his spare time.