Soccer

Yeah right, as if you are interested in learning the rules. Besides, you can pick it up in an afternoon, as long as you don't mind being arrested for scaring the kids.

Non in-game rules though, which are much more important for American tourists (which, let's face it is the only time you're gonna be bothered to go watch a game) are listed below:

1. It's called football, not soccer. Would you like it if everyone else kept calling baseball, "rounders"? Didn't think so. Well they do anyway, but that's not the point.
2. Don't get rival teams mixed up. There's a massive difference between Manchester United and Manchester City. Just like in the U.S., if there are two teams from the same city they hate each other. Rest assured, they will put aside their differences for the chance to hospitalize someone who makes that mistake.
3. Not everyone loves David Beckham. Assuming that they do would be like asking a European, "Do you like Basketball?" and them answering, "Well, I liked Space Jam."
4. Football hooliganism is passe. Seriously, it's not that big any more.

OK, let's assume you want to pretend that you like soccer--probably because you're chatting up a hot Spanish chick--and since you can't keep going on about the Spanish Armada, you're looking for something else to talk about, and so is she. Using this quick guide, you can give her manly thrusts of football knowledge that allows you to penetrate deep into the love affair that people have with the game.

Diego Maradona

Eric Cantona

Pele

Cristiano Ronaldo

Ronaldinho Gaucho

Zinedine Zidane

Skill:

Violence:

More Violence:

Extra Violence:

Of course, nobody is saying that football hooliganism is cool, what really gets our goat is that while TV networks will report on instances of hooliganism, they never have the nuance to tell us who won. For those of us who like to watch football riots, the only way of judging is by measuring which side conceded the most arrests. The higher the arrest count, the more honorable the victory.