Superheroes/superheroines Mental Illness Diagnosis files released by Dr. Jumpsuit.
Dr. Jumpsuit here. During my 35 years of work with superheroes/heroines I've come to find that just about everyone has a mental illness. As is noted by just about every other psychiatrist, every single superhero has Multiple Personality Disorder, so we're not going to address that.
I have received authorization to release the files of a certain number of super and not-so super heroes and heroines. This is intended for education debate only. Please do not use the information in these files to harass any individual listed, as the most likely result of such behavior would be what superhero circles call the "Ass-Face Punch" which is where they punch you in the face so hard, your head received a punch that forces it through your body and out of your anus. It's horrific.
Diagnosis: Body Dysmorphic Disorder -- inability to be happy with one's body
"Let me guess. You hate your body."
Symptoms: Subject constantly complaining about her blue skin, stringy-red hair and less than ideal breast size. Patient has come to sessions morphed in the form of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Barney Rubble, Jessica Alba, John Stamos' dignity, Lois from Family Guy, that chick who's on House and even Stephen Colbert all in an attempt to love her image more. So far, all have proved to be "inadequate" in some way or another.
Recommended Treatment: Stay morphed in the form of Jessica Alba, add bigger breasts. If unbelievable self-esteem isn't achieved, permanently move into the residence located across the street from the Duke University Men's Lacrosse team to remedy the problem.
Diagnosis: Borderline Intellectual Functioning -- not quite medically retarded, but close
"And how does 'Spoon' make you feel?"
Symptoms: During initial phonecall, thought subject to be either Forrest Gump or the subject of Sean Penn's movie, I am Sam, at first meeting, discovered subject to be "superhero," the Tick. Subject constantly screams, "SPOON!" Also demonstrates retard-like strength by repeatedly bashing his head into walls. During one session, hinted that he had "spooned" his former sidekick, Arthur, for eating the last of the Drama Flakes.
Recommended Treatment: Enroll in kindergarten in Japan. Most kids over there are smarter than all of the U.S. Presidents combined. Hopefully something will rub off. Worst case, he can make some Nike's in one of their day-care facilities.
Diagnosis: Derealization -- perceiving the external world in such a way that makes it seem strange
"Nope. It was the 8 of Diamonds."
Symptoms: Subject thinks he can read people's minds and control people's thoughts and actions through mind-control. I am a stinky, silly monkey with no penis who loves my monkey poo-poo. I also lika dee coconuts. Waldo is in my pants and drowing because I have officially peed myself. Also, I walk like a faggy penguin.
Recommended Treatment: Waive Professor X's remaining court-ordered sessions. Tell the judge that he is completely rehabilitated. Also, give Professor X my PIN number.
Diagnosis: Vaginismus -- affects ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration
"Leave my vagina out of this Logan."
Symptoms: Patient denies having a vagina despite the fact that it has scientifically been recorded that Subject goes through mood swings, has temper tantrums, cries, watches romantic-comedies and likes giving other girls hugs. When the issue is mentioned, subject becomes enraged and shoots concentrated lazers out of eyes. Subject has unhealthy relationship with a friend named Logan. Subject claims Logan won't stop "making fun of him" or "having sex with my girlfriends." Apparently subject is a lesbian.
Recommended Treatment: KY Gel and breast augmentation. Subject's should consider Adam Ant for his first partner if Subject is still considering men as an option.
Diagnosis: Lady Godiva Syndrome -- need to expose body parts to other people
Best... Mental Illness... Ever.
Symptoms: Subject is hesitant to wear even as much clothing as a stripper. Constantly asking me if I want to "touch it." When asked what "it" was, subject stripper naked and started pointing at random body parts. Subject states she has officially turned the X-Men into the "OHHHHH-Men" by having relations with each and every one of them.
Recommended Treatment: Too soon to diagnose; one more year of intense therapy with 5-15 sessions a week.
Diagnosis: Tourette's Syndrome -- characterized by motor and vocal tics
"Really? Ferris wheel?"
Symptoms: Subject randomly spurts out "Holy Shit Batman!," "text shitheads" and "this here arcade belongs to the fucking Batgirl!" . Subject randomly states the following words seemlessly in the middle of sentences: "camel-toe," "dick rot," "blueberry holiosis," "veiny slave," "George W. Bush," "rim-around-my-rosie" and of course, "asshole," "fuck" and the "c-word" for that female part that some people say when they're really pissed but it makes people be like, "Wow. You're really pissed." Yeah, she says that word.
Recommended Treatment: Seeing as how people only laugh at jokes if a "dirty word" is used nowadays, stand-up may help Subject lead a normal life. Either that or electo-shock.
Diagnosis: Diogenes Syndrome -- self-neglect, social withdrawl, tendency to hoard rubbish and lack of shame
"Look, you can't do that shit to senior citizens."
Symptoms: Subject has unhealthy obsession with make-up and dressing in green & purple. Subject has soiled himself during sessions, when questioned about it, claims he "just does things" and laughs, no sign of remorse or shame about the incidents. Also, demonstrated how to make a pencil disappear. Not funny. **Note: Need new secretary.
Recommended Treatment: Write an autobiography and take the "pencil trick" on a book tour, demonstrating specifically on Oprah and Dr. Phil. Keep fingers crossed.
Diagnosis: Anorgasmia -- inability to achieve orgasm, even with "adequate" stimulation
"Yes, running that fast probably creates enough friction to destroy a dick."
Symptoms: Subject runs faster than the speed of light. Subject also has extremely strong and big thighs. Subject is also male. Subject states that running as fast as he does used to actually get him off. Subject now states that he cannot "feel [his] dick" due to the constant friction that his thighs cause on his "dick." Subject states that one time his "dick caught on fire" due to the friction. Subject states that he has attempted to have sex with "every woman from Wonder Woman to Jubilee" and he "just can't feel a thing."
Recommended Treatment: Drown Subject's feet in cement and have him sit still for 2 months. After 2 months, introduce Subject to "tight-vagina patient," Cyclops.
Diagnosis: Intermittent Explosive Disorder -- uncontrollable rage disproportionate to the situation at hand
"Let me get this straight, he forgot the fruit salad and you punched his head off?"
Symptoms: Subject seems completely normal until the littlest thing makes him angry. Always reminding others that they "Won't like [him] when [he's] angry." Subject gets angry at the smallest thing, from having to meet his girlfriend's parents [note: girlfriend's father apparently trying to use him as a military weapon] to stubbing his toe. Subject turns into a green ogre, similar to Roseann Arnold, whenever angry and becomes capable of smashing everything in his path. Much like a drunk fraternity boy wearing a pink shirt with a popped collar, while in his drunken rage, the Hulk thinks what he is doing is cool, but when he returns to normal, he is embarassed and he realizes he's been shot multiple times.
Recommended Treatment: Weed and alot of chips [Doritos, Pringles, Tostito's and some Paul Newmann's Pineapple Salsa]. Should prevent Subject from ever getting angry again, unless someone steals his weed. Subject should also get combination-lock safe.
Diagnosis: Self-Mutilation -- deliberate infliction of tissue damage without suicidal intent, sometimes for attention
"Pay attention to me motherfucker."
Symptoms: Subject constantly cuts himself with his bone-blades, walks directly across shooting ranges, jumps in front of cars while they are speeding around the track at NASCAR events and talks, [as he describes it] "crazy shit" about Barack Obama on The Daily Show, all of which can cause serious physical harm to a person. Subject smokes, has ridiculous hair and hates his brother. Subject acts like he does not care what other people think about him despite the fact that he constantly pushes himself into these situations, situations where he gets injured and thus becomes the center of attention. **Note: Whenever I blink, upon re-opening my eyes, he has his bone-blades drawn and subject is staring at me, intently.
Recommended Treatment: Join community plays, read poetry, join a band, pose for local college art majors, start a local cable access TV show. Worst case scenario, Subject can start submitting articles to Cracked.com to satisfy his need to be paid attention to.
Diagnosis: Oppositional Definat Disorder -- disobedient, hostile and definat behavior toward authority figures
"Wade... use your words."
Symptoms: Subject claims that he "knows his life is just part of a fucking comic book." Subject has killed every person in his life who has ever told him to do anything. This list includes, but is not limited to: shooting both parents, who had told him to clean his room; sitting on his cat, who at the time was begging for food; slicing through 48 different Girl Scout Cookie Girls, for telling him to "buy our cookies;" gutting Puff Daddy, for telling him to "get out and vote;" murdered a number of girlfriends in various, unmentionable ways for telling him "not to stop." **Note: Subject refuses to conduct a session without having his guns drawn and laser sights directly in my eyes. Subject also tells me to "fuck" myself everytime I open my mouth to communicate with him, even when I'm just yawning
Recommended Treatment: Try to help him learn how to listen to others and teach him that sometimes, people are just giving recommendations and not telling him what to
Subject just stabbed me. No recommendation.