Mormons
Mormonism, the hot religious cult that swept the nation.
Just The Facts
- Mormons believe The Book of Mormon was written by and named after one of it's supporting characters, who had the ghost of his son, Moroni, bid Joseph Smith publish it's contents, which were, essentially, Jesus fanfiction.
- Formerly the Garden of Eden and the future site of New Jerusalem, Mormons believe that God called dibs on Jackson County, Missouri, specifically, as a sanctuary for those seeking religious freedom, which may come as a shock to anyone who's ever had to live in Missouri.
- Notable Mormons include Glenn Beck, Stephenie Meyer, David Archuleta, and Aaron Eckhart.
Cracked on Mormons
In the early nineteenth century there was a Second Great Awakening in New England, the perfect time to make up a new denomination, as the local rubes were just wetting themselves with excitement about Christianity. Strangely enough, they were also dripping with piss over treasure hunting, but unfortunately for them, the metal detector hadn't been invented yet.
And Along Came Joseph Smith.
Professional scryer and purveyor of cake, beer, and the crazy white folk's yabble-dabble that was so stylish at the time. For a price young Smith could help you find your fortune with nothing but a hat full of rocks. Like the Miss Cleo of his day, his "for entertainment purposes only" hoodoo was getting him into a pant-load of trouble, but rather than feeling any understandable fear or remorse by this time, Smith was apparently filled with spiritual conflict, as he was surrounded by religions of every kind, (and by "every kind", we mean "every kind based on Christianity") and just didn't know which was the true church. Then, while on a soul searching walk in the woods, presumably on his way to a snake-oil seminar, a pillar of light in the sky, summoned by a glorious Nordic Jesus, pinned him to the ground. After the formality of a brief probing, NJ instructed Smith to create the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, a religion based on many plausible beliefs. As in the belief that magic underpants will protect you from sin, or that, after his resurrection and ascension into heaven, Jesus Christ returned to earth and -- rather than do a victory lap of the Middle East -- he went straight for Northern Missouri. Why not?
The Mormon church caught on like a wildfire of clean livin' and Manifest Destiny, but around 1844, in Nauvoo, Illinois, Smith had finally landed himself in prison on several charges, most harem-related. An angry mob came to deal him a taste of hillybilly learnin', but, assuming they were the legion sent to rescue him, Smith lost his chance to escape and was shot to death, falling out of a window.
Despite reports that Smith wished that he have no successor as President of the Church, or the fact that the next logical successor was Sidney Rigdon, Smith's First Counselor, apostle and crazy-beard enthusiast Brigham Young somehow managed argue his way into position of senior leader. Future governor of the territory of Utah, Young was what most people conjure in their minds when they think of Mormons. He put the pioneers to work building him settlements, recruited a blood-thirsty Jesus-freak militia, started a wife factory, revoked the priesthood for black church members (who he called "the seed of Cain"), waged a war on the United States Government, then deceived local Native Americans into helping him fight it, leading to the Mountain Meadows Massacre, the brutal slaughter of over one-hundred and twenty men, women and children. He also started the Tabernacle Choir.
In the insuring years, the Mormon church began to mellow out as they were allowed to carve their culture into the Utah landscape, and became a people known for their good behavior -- living clean lives, helping the needy, and baptizing dead people -- hardly ever doing a thing to draw scorn from the populous, until the late 1950s. Then the Osmonds came on the scene....
Wasn't really funny at all. I'm not a mormon but my best friend is. I've gone to his church with him a few times and seen how they do stuff. Pretty much all of this article is a bunch of s**t the writer pulled out of his ass. I expected better, not just plain bashing.
ReplyI don't mind satire, but this really seems to bash Mormons... I hope this is re-written from a less hateful (and more hilarious) perspective.
ReplyMy favorite thing about pretty much ALL religion is the blatant hypocrisy... the greed, the materialism, the judgment etc. It's all a joke. As they say in logic, whatever is MOST likely, is probably the reality. So what's MORE likely... that there's a magical floating kingdom where all the dead people go (provided they've contributed 10% of their earnings to The Machine) and live in mansions with all their dead relatives for eternity? OR... that when you die, you die. You're gone. Just like BEFORE you were here. That worms eat your remains and that's it. DONE. Hmmm...
ReplyMy wife's family is pretty much entirely Mormon... it's absolutely bat s**t crazy. And yes, even MORE so than pretty all the OTHER organized religions out there. Anyone who resides in reality knows it's all a fairy tale, but Mormons are hot on the heels of the TOP bat s**t crazy religion... Scientology. Not to mention the racism, sexism etc, etc. In my wife's extended family what bothers ME most is the mind control b.s. NONE of the children are encourage to actually THINK.
ReplyI live in Utah, my whole life.
ReplyI've never met more closed minded, judgmental, hypocritical, prejudice and ignorant people in my whole life. They turn their backs on the hypocrisy of their own religion.
They cover up any and all stories about scandals in their church.
They are one of the most profitable companies in the world.
And they do it as "NON PROFIT" not one dime goes back into this state to make it better.
I'm non religious...
I strongly believe that the Church should be separated from state.
And if you lived here you'd understand.
That Utah would be a cool place to live if the LDS church didn't have it's hand in our government.
How could a Church control Liquor regulations? Try buying a beer here 3.2% by volume.
Plus the Republican influences through the church..
It's the blind leading the blind.
I'm against all organized religions. The propaganda that is fed into these peoples heads... It's sad to live amongst these brain washed people.
no more bullshit than the other religons.
ReplyThank you! That's very nice of you to say.
who cares if he used a hat? and who cares about the race thing. Samaritans weren't allowed the same access to the gospel as the Jews were at first. God's timing is a weird confusing thing. and another thing, why should we argue about Joseph Smith when we can talk about how his personal guard invented the sawed off shotgun, thats pretty rad awesome.
ReplyTechnically, one can't invent the sawed off shotgun because it has all of the same mechanics of a regular shotgun, and all they did was shorten the barrel, which had been going on since the beginning of the shotgun. Thus, your point is very flawed. And rad awesome is redundant.
Mormons are wacko insane, not that any other religion makes any sense, but the problem with LDS is that they kinda trap their young in the church, and it becomes impossible for people who realized they've grown up in a wacko insane religion to get out. This is criminal. And this article could have been much funnier. I mean, polygamy! Comedic gold! How do you gloss over that?
ReplyI'm a convert on the way out. Took me nearly 4 years, but that's long enough.
Missouri is crawling with Mormons. As funny as that comment was meant to be it is the truth. I live within a six mile radius of THREE Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints Churches.
ReplyOk EDIT: Joseph Smith did NOT think the mob that killed him was coming to save him. That would be plain stupid. Jesus didn't tell Smith to build the Church while he was in the woods. The "hat full of rocks" you speak of didn't even exist, it was only rumor that he used a hat. And I don't think clear stones (as in LENSES) count as rocks.
ReplySmith never said he didn't want anybody to take his place; supplemental writings to the Book Of Mormon dictated by Joseph Smith himself speak of him giving the position to Brigham Young.
Oh...its not a wife-factory, its a baby-factory. Ever read the Bible where it says "multiply and replenish the earth?" Probably not.
And no, TheRunningMan, heaven is not on another planet, its actually here on earth. And all races are allowed into the church and offered all the blessings, including a place in heaven.
Um, woopzitwas me, I think you should read Elder Ballard's article called "A Treasured Testament" in the July 1993 Ensign if you don't think the rock in a hat existed.
"“Joseph Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing it closely around his face to exclude the light; and in the darkness the spiritual light would shine."
Search for "A Treasured Testament" on lds.org. The quote is 11 paragraphs into the talk.
woopzitwasme-
You need to do your homework because your ignorance is showing.
Some accounts of the martyrdom claim that Joseph sent a letter to Major-General Jonathan Dunham to lead the Nauvoo Legion in a military attack on Carthage "immediately" to free the prisoners. This same account says that Joseph thought that the mob was actually Dunham and the Legion. Believe it or not it has at least a historical reference.
All firsthand witness to the BoM translation (about 20 of them)talk of Joseph using a seer stone with his head in a hat (the same process he used for treasure digging). South Park had it mostly right. Read Elder Nelson's "A Treasured Testament" if you doubt it.
Joseph Smith was completely unclear on who he meant to succeed him. You can't show anyone writings where JS specifies BY because it doesn't exist. Sidney Rigdon had the best claim to the job but was bumped because he opposed polygamy which most of the 12 were involved in. Many thought Joseph Smith III was the heir apparent but he was 12 when his father was killed. Even BY in Utah said he expected the Smith boys (JSIII and David Hyrum) to eventually come to Utah and take their leadership place in the Church. Never happened again becuz Joseph's sons opposed polygamy.
RunningMan is referring to LDS teachings about African Americans prior to 1978. Apostle Mark E Petersen taught as late as the mids 1950s that blacks could only get to the Celestial Kingdom as servants. John Taylor (Prophet) said that blacks were allowed to live through the flood of Noah because it was "necessary that the devil should have a representation upon the earth." (JoD)
Fun stuff, eh?
Well, I was raised mormon, honey, but I can't speak for laughing boy down there.
ReplyDoes anybody here even know a mormon? This is some of the most pull-out-of-assing of wrong facts I've ever seen.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesSo you mean to say the Mormons didn't start a war with the US government, live in Utah or wear baggy underpants?
Like it or not, it's only a comedic exaggeration, not a wikipedia page, and even then, it is to shudder at the crap the church advocates.
shart_bite-
I'm reformed Mormon. What exactly do you see as a "wrong fact"? Claiming it's all BS is one thing...can you provide any specific sources that back you up???
I went to High School with seven Mormons. They aren't crazy, they aren't religious freaks, they are very nice people. Aside from that one guy who was a total ass, they are all generally nice people.
I grew up in a devout Mormon family and you don't know what the f**k you're talking about.
i wrestled a mormon once... i lost
I'm afraid you didn't even scratch the surface of all the B.S. that is Mormonism:
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesthey don't like to talk about it now, but the Book of Mormon explicitly states that all people who are not pure white are evil
if you have so much as a single drop of "colored" blood, you are forbidden from entering heaven, except as a servant
oh and also, Heaven is physically located on another planet
please cite your sources sir
Yeah...it uh... doesn't say that.
Wow, that might be the most ignorant statement I've ever heard. You do realize Mormons have many, many leaders from South America and even some from Africa and several from Asia? Or do just believe everything you hear?