Twilight Books

If there is one thing that the "twilight" series teaches us about books is that all you need is pretty covers, appeal, and OCD, and you can sell just about anything. Here are the four books in the series in the order from the best to the worst.

Just The Facts

  1. 80% of twilight readers are yet to hit puberty.
  2. 19% of twilight readers are chronically depressed housewives/mothers
  3. The series has sold over 42 million copies

1. twilight

Out of all the four books in the series, "twilight" is the only one that can somewhat be considered an actual book. For one, unlike the rest of the books it actually does have a beginning, a middle, and an end, as well as a conflict and a resolution. These are the key aspects that define a full length novel.

Not pictured: A novel



Notice that I fail to capitalize "twilight", that is simply because the actual title on the book is not capitalized.



"Maybe if we don't capitalize it, it will appeal to the illiterate."



In fact, none of the books in the entire series have capitalized titles, but the first one is the only book that has an actual story behind it. As for the cover; it's supposedly Eve (yes, from the Holy Bible) holding the apple from the tree of knowledge. What that has to do with the story, I have no fucking idea. But one thing is obvious, it's sole purpose is to make the book stand out on the shelves.


In case you aren't aware of the story (like oh my god) it goes like this: Bella is a teenager who for no reason what so ever decides to move in with her psychologically retarded father in the rainiest fucking town in the entirety of the US of A. There she meets a dude named Edward who completely lacks any visible emotions, ambient movement, and body heat, all while stalking his own entire fucking vampire family day and night with his god damn mind. Edward is apparently a bloodsucker who begins silently freaking the fuck out when she sits next to him in class, because her blood smells really fucking good (but only to him, romantic huh?). So instead of excusing himself from class, or simply running out fast enough for nobody to notice him, he decides to sit next to her for the next hour, hating himself. Note that while he's sitting there he begins thinking of a few dozen different ways to kill everybody in class. Yeah.



The part of Bella's life that doesn't involve vampires.



The next 300 pages consist of Bella continuing her talentless, hobby-less, unsocial life while obsessing over Edward for no apparent reason other than because he looks so fucking hot. Edward meanwhile is stalking her while she sleeps (I mean he actually breaks in to her house and watches her sleep. HOLY FUCKING SHIT) dropping her clues in his mindless clusterfuck of an obsession, and then finally revealing to her that he's a vampire.



"Oh don't mind me. I'm just like to listen to what you have to say in your sleep."



Then a bunch of other vampires come and one of them tries to eat Bella. Thing is, when they try this it's three rouge vampires against the Cullen family (Edward is a part of an entire happy vampire family) of seven vampires all protecting Bella. Instead of tearing the three vampires to shreds, they run. Yes, the Cullens also happen to be the most pathetic vampire family in the country. Then after some more illogical running they kill the vampire that wants to eat Bella while she's passed out, and that's the end.


The climax of twilight


So far so good right? I mean at least there's story and conflict right?










2. breaking dawn

Breaking dawn is the final book in the series, and is probably the biggest literary cluster fuck in existence. That is the only reason it gets the number two spot on this list, because at least it's a god damn cluster fuck. That's still something right? According the the author, the poorly made CG chess pieces on the cover are supposed to represent how Bella has grown over the four books. In other words it's a cardboard cut-out person becoming a cardboard cut-out sparkly vampire.


Don't worry too much about the story thus far, because there is no story at all in the second and third book, so nothing is lost as I jump around books. So anyway, Edward and Bella love each other a lot. Like a-fucking-lot. I mean one is a vampire, and the other is a girl that's obsessed with a fucking statue. There is really nobody on earth capable of reasonably being obsessed with one inanimate object for such a long time. Her obsession even exceeds that of WoW and Runescape players, and at least those two groups are obsessing over something social. Just imagine a person hugging the statue of David for two years straight. No personality, no warmth, nothing. Just a lot of hugging and kissing surfaces made of stone.



"If my penis wasn't made of stone, it would be totally hard right now. Oh wait... Sweet!"



Bella decides against seeing a psychologist (I like to assume she doesn't have the freedom to do so), and decides to marry Edward instead. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. A werewolf named Jacob who has no purpose in the story is for some reason running around. Nothing happens. Then she has a baby.




In case the image confuses you, yes, THE THING FUCKING CHEWED IT'S WAY OUT OF HER!!! No, it wasn't in an awesome bloody way worthy only of a classical horror novel, it was just really, really fucked up. That also raises the question of how a cluster of sperm cells managed to survive inside a pair of stone cold testicles for the last hundred and seventeen years. Perhaps the morons*cough*I mean Mormons don't belive in cell theory? After that a bunch of vampires come (sound familiar?), and then they go away. The end. That's how the entire series ends.


The climax of the entire twilight series



Oh and Jacob the werewolf falls in love with Bella's newborn baby. Just thought you should know.







3. eclipse


This is the third book in the series, and while it has no real story to it what so ever, it does take the opportunity to teach girls how to submit to abusive boyfriends just before they hit the age where they begin finding real boyfriends. This is likely because Stephanie Meyer (the author) was just trying to make up for her setting the expectations that little girls have of guys and love lives, a bit too high. You know, if you tell girls to look for boys with unreal looks and super strength, make up for it by also teaching them to happily take any abuse their boyfriends might send their way.


Twilight, a manual for women



In the book, Edward the blood drinking vampire thinks it's too dangerous for Bella to hang around a pack of werewolves who just happen to live in Forks, so she ends up being his bitch the whole time. I mean really, there's never any explanation to why the Cullens decided to move in near their mortal enemies. There is a half-assed explanation to why the werewolves (actually shape shifters as later revealed) came to be what they are, but there is none what so ever explaining why the fuck the Cullens chose to live right near them just a few years before the first book started.



But now that I think about it, I guess it doesn't really take much realism away from the book



Did I mention that the fully human wife of one of the werewolves has a half-scarred face because her husband clawed off the other half a while back? Then for several pages the author assures her readers that despite that they still love each other very much. It's relationship abuse galore here.

But no twilight book comes without it's own share of real fucked-up-ness. You see, the werewolves have this imprint bullshit where at random they become psychologically obsessed with unsuspecting people of the opposite gender in order to keep the bloodline alive. Thing is, the age of the person that they become obsessed with is irrelevant. Think about that for a minute.




That's right. Some of the werewolves end up turning into extreme pedophiles. If you remember from the previous section on breaking dawn, that's exactly what happens to the most significant werewolf in the story.


But, you may argue, becoming obsessed with babies could make one great mind fuck of a story if it's well written, right? There's two problems with that argument. One; Stephanie Meyer, the author of the twilight series, is a shitty writer. Two; the baby love has no connection at all to the story it self. In fact like I already mentioned, in this book there's no story at all.

For most of the 621 pages in the book you read about nothing but abusive relationships, baby romance, and stupid residence decisions. Only after 500 or so pages does the end begin to draw near. You learn in the second book of the series that the girlfriend of the vampire that the Cullens killed in the first book is pissed as fuck, and wants Bella dead as revenge. So she turns a bunch of people into vampires to try and kill the Cullens. At the climax of the book she attacks with her army of a dozen or so newly made vampires.


They all die. The end.


I mean really, there's no fight scene or anything. They just all die. Then a bunch of other vampires come, and then go away (sound familiar?). The end.


Oh an by the way, the Stephanie Meyer has stated that the cover image of the book holds no significance to the book what so ever.

4. new moon

New moon is the second book in the series. So you may or may not ask; how can anything be lower than the cluster fuck that was the third book in the series? It's simple really. Let's begin with the fact that just like the third book, the author has stated that the cover of new moon holds absolutely no significance to the book it self. It's just a fucking flower.


A literary masterpiece



But that aside, at the very beginning of the book the author seems to be heading in the right direction. If you made it past the first book AND decided to pick up the second one, at the beginning of it you sort of start thinking that at this point it's an upward trend.


"You know, after you eat raw shit for a while, it's not so bad"



As the story (or lack of) goes, Edward turns out to be brain damaged, and decides that he must keep Bella safe by leaving her forever, and he does. (pretty cool huh?) But since he's a brain damaged vampire he forgot one thing: Bella is psychologically dependent and unstable. Nothing much changes though because she never really had a social life to begin with. All she ever really did when she wasn't around vampires was clean the house and cook food for her father (because that's all that women are good for), therefore her life style didn't change much. But being psychologically insane, for the next half a year she became very physically unhealthy, if that makes any sense.



"It's good to teach women to know their place at a young age."



That's about the time she realizes that there are werewolves living nearby, and that the girlfriend of the vampire killed in the first book wants her dead. Bun nothing actually happens. For the rest of the book she starts putting herself into dangerous situations in order to get a rush. Kind of like cutting, but instead of actually cutting she was feigning suicide.



"Maybe this will bring my boyfriend back"



It was pretty retarded, but at least it was fucking depressing. Just really fucking sad. The whole time I was anticipating some kind of an exciting ending as a result of this depressing build up. But no. Just no. After half a thousand pages of sad shit, it turns out Edward mistakenly thought that Bella commit suicide. Well what the fuck would you expect when she was doing it to get high? So he goes to over to a bunch of other vampires in Europe to asked them to kill him. You see vampires are hard to fucking kill, so he had to get specialists just to commit suicide. She finds this out from Edward's sister who really isn't his sister, and follows him.

She then convinces him that she really isn't dead, and they live happily ever after. That's right. 560 pages later, they just live happily ever after. I'm not fucking kidding. In the next two books there is not a single mention of this depressing half a year episode. It's like the second book never happened! I read a 560+ page book for absolutely fucking nothing! HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK!?